Sure, this blog is supposed to be all about weddings and love and veils and floral centerpieces, but we're taking a break today for something unbelievable (with a promise to swing back around to the marriage stuff):
The University of Illinois football team beat No. 5 Wisconsin. Amazing. Shocking. But it happened. There were stories in the paper about it. Matt and Lynne were even there.
Memorial Stadium in Champaign, Illinois, as the clock runs out. Kindly disregard the Cubs logo that inadvertently slipped into this photo.
For those of you who are unaware, Illinois has had a bad run of it for the past ... well, a long time. And yet, somehow they ran, and fake ran, and faked a fake run only to run with a fake running back, all the way to a 31-26 victory. And it wasn't even the biggest upset to happen this weekend in Champaign. More on that later in this post.
Matt was really looking forward to The Ultimate Football Weekend for a few reasons:
1. Matt loves to pack a car. He actually considers that a talent.
2. Matt had not seen some of his friends, post-engagement. He wanted to prove that, indeed, this whole event was not another elaborate gag and that Lynne was not some actor he hired on a four-year contract to dupe his friends. She really, actually said yes.
3. Matt is thrilled about marrying Lynne beyond words. He is also excited to plan The Big Day, which is essentially (after the bonding together of two lives, etc., etc.) a fantastic celebration among family and friends. And Matt enjoys a good party. He is honestly excited to make party favors and find a hall and pick a color (orange and green looks nice, right?) and demand the DJ plays Celine Dion on The Big Day.But Matt cannot live weddings 24 hours a day. And after The Big Question, life went from la-da-let's-go-out-to-eat to EAT?-HOW!-CAN!-WE!-EAT!-WHEN!-WE!-DON'T!-HAVE!-A!-RECEPTION!-HALL!-YET!
It's not the amount of tasks, but the sudden jolt that is stressful. You get engaged at noon. At 12:15 p.m., you already don't have a florist or a location or seating arrangements.
Here's a story to prove Matt was losing his senses.
On Friday, Matt began to notice someone smelly lurking over his right shoulder at work. It took a while, but Matt figured out that Stinky Joe was, in fact, Matt himself. Somehow, he had forgotten to put deodorant on his right armpit. And it was hot on Friday, so this was particularly bad timing.
Now, this could be blamed on Matt rushing around, trying to get started on the wedding planning and organize The Ultimate Football Weekend. But really, when you think about it, how could Matt miss a pit? Even if he was distracted, even if he's not the most organized person in the world, the whole deodorizing process only takes a few seconds and it has a natural flow. Uncap, left pit, right pit, recap. Not too tricky. And really crucial for total coverage.
And yet, Matt went A, B, D. 1, 2, 4. Bonds, Aaron, Mays. John, Paul, Ringo.
You might forget deodorant altogether. That can happen in a rush. But to start and never finish? Not a good sign.
So, anyhow, Matt was looking forward to a weekend of watching football, grilling burgers, singing fight songs, taking PoliSci 356 finals. You know, dumb college stuff.
Karrie Theoharis (top left), Nathaniel "Kramer" Theoharis (cowboy hat), Dave Farmer (bottom left) and Matt cheer during the Illini win. Although it was 150 degrees (approximately) during the game, by this point, Matt had deodorized both arms and was able to raise his hands in a proper celebratory position.
Now, before this post is over, we promised to swing it back around to marriage and happiness and Rainbows in Loveland, etc. We'll do that by mentioning that among the many traditions at The Ultimate Football Weekend (hot dog trick, Meijer runs, blowout losses) is an Oreo eating contest. The premise is simple: Eat your stack of Oreos first. Mouth empty, tongue out required for authentication purposes.
There have been many great battles in the past, including the epic Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant match-up. This year's contest lined up to be one of the finest ever:
- Matt "Big Mouth" Hanley was in.
- Megan "Kenosha Kruncher" Hanley was entering for the first time.
- Her boyfriend, Josh "Ha Ha, He Cheered for Wisconsin" Jankiewicz was in.
- Shaft "Eric" Miller was in.
- The heavy favorite, Nathaniel "The Cookie Killer" Theoharis was back.
- At the last second, Lynne decided to join, her first attempt at the contest.
In the past, there's been stacks of 10 or more Oreos. But, theoretically, we've gotten smarter. This year, we had to eat four.
There are many different theories about the best Oreo Eating Technique. No milk is allowed so the "dipping" technique perfected by Coney Island Hot Dog champ Kobayashi is out.
The best strategy is to eat slowly, but consistently, one at a time. Every year, Matt intends to follow this plan, but panics and stuffs all four (or 10) Oreos in at once. Disgusting.
(No one yet has been brave enough to try eating the cream, then the cookie. It's just too risky!)
At right, the start of the 2007 Ultimate Football Weekend Oreo Eating Competition. Notice that Matt has already abandoned all sanity and is just haphazardly shoving Oreos into his mouth. Megan (far right, top) is also in trouble and would ultimately eat only three. She spent the rest of the day in isolation, thinking about her failure. Meanwhile, the three favorites (middle) eat confidently. Almost a little too confidently, don't you think? Lynne (bottom right) lurks.Finally, notice that Josh is wearing a Wisconsin shirt. What a dork!
Matt eliminated himself early, once again plagued by Oreo Overextension Syndrome (that's what killed Marlon Brando, too). Megan never really had a chance. She earned some credit for trying, but then lost that credit by not finishing. She has shamed her family.
Most of the crowd focused their attention on which of the three favorites - Shaft, Josh and Kramer - would finish first. As all headed for their last cookie, Nathaniel suddenly noticed an Oreo Assassin.
In an upset worthy of wiping Buster Douglas, David and Jethro Tull off the books, this blog's lady hero took the title.
Nathaniel noticed Lynne was ahead, but it too late. Her tongue was out; mouth empty. It was over. The King is dead. Long live the Queen.
Kramer tries to warn the others about Lynne, but he has a mouth full of Oreos.
"Mmmfh," he said. "Lynftr ish arghlmoshhht dhurnghfl!"
Here's the point of this excessively long post. Just when you think The Big Day is going to swallow you whole in an unending pit of Stressylvania, Lynne beats four grown men in an Oreo eating contest.
And then Matt remembers what a great girl he found - a girl that is up for anything, afraid of nearly nothing and silly at just the right times. Matt remembers that if she'll put up with this insanity - indeed participate and at times dominate it - then everything is going to be just fine.
Of course, it also makes Matt think: The cake tasting is going to be interesting.
