Book it!

Are you struggling to find a decent coaster for your favorite drink? Do you find yourself thinking: "I wish my bathroom reading material included a little bit more about obscure Illinois murders"?
Having trouble starting your campfire?
Are you one thin book short of finally filling out that shelf on your book case?
Is one of the legs on your favorite table one-quarter inch shorter than all the others?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, and if you have $19.99 ($20.36 Canadian), then we've got just the book for you!

True Tales of Aurora, Illinois
by Matt Hanley

Hey, you know that guy!

Over the last few months, Matt has put together a book of short stories about historical events in Aurora, Illinois. All the stories are true, but their written in a narrative style. In other words, they're dramatic and have full rich characters. (At least that was the intention.)

For instance, you can read about the day that one of the most influential blues songs of all time was recorded in Aurora's tallest hotel. Or, the day the Wright Brothers amazed an Aurora crowd with their new invention. Or the season in Aurora that may have saved the career of future Hall of Famer Casey Stengel.
Also included, for no additional charge, are stories about: a tall, skinny Springfield lawyer's work on an Aurora patent case; the death of John Dillinger's best friend; some really gruesome murder mysteries; and the incredible heroism of Aurora's only Medal of Honor recipient.
In all, The Book is 37,064 words...or 53 pages...or 1,150 paragraphs...or 181,244 characters without spaces... long. That may seem like a lot, but it's a fast 37,000 words. (The last sixty four are a bit of a grind.)
Some of the stories were previously printed in the Beacon, but four are brand new. And since there is essentially zero overlap between the Beacon's readership and this blog's readership, they'll all be new to you!

Pretty soon, you'll be able to order it here.
The book is scheduled to be published in August. Not sure the exact date when it will be available , but the publisher said it will be "in the stores" by Aug. 8. What stores? Not sure.
But if you see it, consider buying eight copies, just in case the first seven get ruined.
For more information and exact dates of publication, search for "True Tales of Aurora, Illinois" on Facebook or click here.

Mark of Fridays: Visiting with Elyse

On the way back from Cincy, the Hanleys got to visit with Nathaniel and Elyse in Indy.

It was fun to see Nathaniel and Elyse. Karrie was missed, but the New Kids were calling.

Elyse is adorable and smart. She really likes reading about gorillas, too. Now, if she can teach Mark to eat meat...
And, yes, everyone commented on how amazing it was that these two guys have their own kids. There should probably be a test or something.

Mark of Fridays: I-L-L ugh-hiss-boo

Well, it's November and that means another trip to Champaign for the sheer torture of watching Illinois football. Thankfully, good friends show up, too. Otherwise, the pigskin follies might be overwhelming.

After a one-year hiatus, it was back to Chambana to see the Illini play the hapless Minnesota Golden Gophers. You'll notice that the team was not called the "Fighting" Illini. Alas, there was no fight in the team this year. In addition to being 400 degrees below zero, Illinois found a way to lose to a one-win Gopher team that was ranked among the 10 worst teams in all of college football. That's hard to do.

There was some thought that perhaps children should not be exposed to Illini football. Fear not: most of them spent the game safely tucked away in their hotel rooms.

It was a great weekend and Matt was very grateful that so many people were willing to travel far and pay ludicrous prices for average hotels so everyone could hang out. Seeing all the kids was not only fun, but reminded all the dads of how very, very ancient they are. (10 years out of college!) Thankfully, all of the wives still see the guys as the young, vibrant, agile He-Men they married.

All in all: a great trip. Looking forward to losing to St. Mary's School for the Misdirectional next year!

As far as the pictures, at the top right is Mark and Elyse Theoharis. To the left is Michael and Katelyn Farmer, Elyse and Mark. The irony here is that all the dads had the exact same expressions as the kids. Nathaniel/Kramer was even wearing a similar top.

One last note. Here's the record at UFW's.
2000: Michigan 35, Illinois 31
2001: Illinois 33, Penn State 28
2002: San Jose State 38, Illinois 35
2003: Wisconsin 38, Illinois 20
2004: Michigan 30, Illinois 19
2005: Michigan State 61, Illinois 14
2006: Iowa 24, Illinois 7

2007: Illinois 31, Wisconsin 26

2008: Illinois 55, Indiana 13

2009: Cancelled on account of babies

2010: Minnesota 34, Illinois 30

That's 3-6 through 9 games.

And that doesn't even count a Bears loss to the Saints in 2002 and an Illini basketball loss last year. We're like a reverse horseshoe!

Mark of Fridays: I-L-L I-N-I N-I-T

Ok, so, it's not the NCAA Tourney. Bummer.
And they didn't win it. Oh, well.


But I'm still the Illini's No. 1 fan!

Oskee wow wow!

A real diaper dandy, baby! Whoa Illini!

Matt isn't claiming that just because Wednesday night was the first Illinois basketball game Mark ever watched, and it happened to be game in which the Illini set a school record for the biggest comeback in school history - overcoming a 23-point deficit in the second half to beat No. 19 Clemson (on the road!) - means that Mark is an Illinois good luck charm and that he will go to the U of I, where he will be the point guard on the 2029 National Championship team. No, Matt cannot guarantee that.

After all, Mark could conceivably be a shooting guard.

Oh, and Mark will never know that Matt almost turned the game off at halftime. When he hears the story Matt will have never given up on the Illini.

Book review - God Save the Fan

Book: God Save the Fan by Will Leitch, 295 pretty-good-then-not-so-good pages

By Matt

For full disclosure I should say that the author of this book, Will Leitch and I went to the University of Illinois at roughly the same time and overlapped briefly at the Daily Illini student newspaper. I read his work in college - awesome - but I never knew him,and he wouldn't know me from Ron Zook. Also, my boss, and friend, is very good friends with Leitch.
I should further admit that I was in no way biased by the fact that I thought it was awesome that on page 138, Leitch mentions - for no reason I can find - the Aurora Beacon News. Booya! All of which really had no impact on this review being posted for six people.
I started out wanting to dislike this book. Leitch is the former editor of Deadspin, an interesting and addicting sports blog that, of course, makes me uncomfortable because I work for a little newspaper that is being eaten alive by blogs. I don’t hate blogs, at all. (Obviously.) But I’m alternately amused and disgusted by Deadspin, which reports rumors and wallows in the mud too often for my taste.

But, on the other hand, I know Leitch is a fantastic writer, a funny guy and very smart. And for the first quarter of God Save the Fan I was hooked. The book is divided into essays about players, owners, the media and fans.
In the players sections, Leitch is fantastic, combining personal experiences, anecdotal evidence and strong logic into insightful essays about sports. I couldn’t stop reading and I was learning about the sports I love. He took on owners and players in insightful, humorous ways. He told me steroids didn’t matter and I was with him. The reason people actually don’t like most blogs (outside of anonymity and no accountability) is that they’re boring. Being an essayist - which is what many bloggers are - is probably the hardest form of writing. But for the first quarter of the book, I was ready to concede that Leitch was the great sports essayist of this generation.
And then he fell off the tracks, in the strangest of places. He went after sports media. Where there had been logic and insight, there was contradictions and pettiness. Consider the chapter called Beware Those Who Come Bearing the Tag "Experts", where he declares there are no experts. To summarize, Leitch says no one knows what they’re doing and no one really has any more information than any other person who wanted to research a topic. Sorry, that makes no sense at all. Someone who studies the subject material, talks to other experts is an expert. This kind of weak logic is littered through the second half of the book, along with petty barbs and no-duh conclusions.
The worst comes out in the chapters about ESPN. I watch ESPN for the game scores, maybe a game, then I move on to other things. But both Deadspin and this book have a full-out obsession with ESPN’s anchors and programming. Leitch clearly delights in embarrassing these people. For what reason, or purpose, he never articulates. (Is Scott Van Pelt's love life really interesting to anyone, including Scott Van Pelt?)

The worst part is that the ESPN stuff is neither well-sourced nor well-thought out. Leitch picks the worst ESPN analysts and eviscerates them, then dismisses the real experts (like Ron Jaworski) with a brush off - “no one cares about experts”. Weak and inaccurate.
Leitch is quick to dismiss sports reporting because - I swear this is in the book - he once had the penis of University of Michigan’s fat center Robert “Tractor” Traylor’s in his face during an interview. It depressed Leitch and so, therefore, sports reporting is dead and irrelevant. Well, bad sports reporting is dead and irrelevant. But I read Mark Tupper of the Dectur Herald and Review because he tells me things about Illinois basketball - and college basketball - that help me better understand and appreciate what I’m watching. I listen to Peter Gammons of ESPN because he knows about baseball and helps me put players and games in perspective.
With great intensity, Leitch tells us ESPN is a big corporate empire that is mean, protects its brand and likes to make money. Well, duh.
The ESPN rant goes on and on. And on and on. (At one point, he watches 24 straight hours of ESPN programming in what’s supposed to be an ironic experiment, but you have to wonder.)

By the end, I came back to the cover of the book, which is a foam finger that is putting up the middle finger rather than the traditional “We’re No. 1” indexer. It was be provocative, surely. It was clever, of course. But what was the point of that image? I sort of felt the same way about this book.

Good for: Fans of Deadspin, although some people say this book is a rehash of what's been up there. (I don't read faithfully enough to know for sure.) People who live on ESPN, fantasy sports or their favorite team. People who want to poke fun at the often too-serious world of sports and sports journalism. People who want to read the first half of a book. Checking out of the library.
Skip it if: You don’t obsess of the sports media landscape. You want in-depth, new reporting on sports.

Two Illini videos

Did you know that before Matt met Lynne, she had never heard of the NCAA Tournament/March Madness? It's not that she saw it and just didn't care. She didn't even know it existed.
That seems impossible, since it's on constantly on TV in March and everyone in just about every office is filling out a bracket with the Illini, Albany, Indiana and Northeastern Illinois in the Final Four.
Just another way that marrying Matt has broadened Lynne's horizons.
In the meantime, enjoy these two YouTube videos. The first is a commercial that's been running constantly during the tournament. And even though it brings up that devastating 2005 national championship game, it's pretty funny.



The second, for hardcore Illini fans, shows the future. This video is awesome. These two high school teams were playing to go the state finals. Brandon Paul's team is down two with he gets fouled with 4.7 seconds left. He makes THREE free throws to put his team ahead. Then Jereme Richmond makes takes the ball up and...well, watch it.
And both Paul and Richmond are scheduled to join the Illini very soon. Good times.

It's gotta be the pants!

Matt finished his run Thursday night and got home just in time to watch the Illini square off against the lowly, pitiful, pathetic, no-good, very-bad, never-even-MADE-the-NCAA-tournament Northwestern Mildcats.
For the first 20 minutes, Matt was paying some bills, only halfway paying attention to the game. Illinois was down. Yawn. Seen it before. Only a matter of time.
Only...
They kept losing. And losing. And so Matt took drastic steps. He went upstairs and got out the Illini pants. They were a Christmas gift, but they are not to be used lightly. Only when a win is really needed. The pants are undefeated.
The Illini fell behind by 12.
But the Illini pressed, and Demetri McCamey tossed up a floater...and the Illini win!
Nice to win a game when you're only ahead for 2-1/2 seconds.
The pants remain unbeaten. It's gotta be the pants!

(Luckily, the pants will not be necessary when the Illini face the terrible, no-good, very-bad Loosiers this weekend.)

Indiana still has a football team?

Ah, the Ultimate Football Weekend. Or, as it is sometimes known, the annual Josh and Megan Humiliation Game. Last year, Illinois did pretty well. Remember that?
But certainly Josh had learned his lesson. He couldn't really root for the team in red, could he?
He could. He did. Well how'd that work out?
Matt thinks it worked out pretty well. Like 55-13 well.
That's right, the Orange ran wild all over the Red again this year. It was a massacre, right from the beginning. You might think a result like that would deflate the visiting team, discourage them or - heck - just give them pause. But, nay, not the Indiana Hoosier band! Each time - each and every single time - Indiana got a first down, they'd launch into some sort of torturous fight song. Bwahaa be bah be bahhhhhh be BAHHHHHH. Merciless.
Even Megan and Josh had fun at the game, it is believed. Sadly, Lynne lost interest pretty quickly. Even from the second row, the blowout meant she was thinking about other things. Like practicing saying the name of Illini's massive tight end Michael Hoomanawanui. Uh-oh, ma now a noowie!!
But the weekend was about more than football. It was about realizing how old we were. It was about realizing how glad we were that the game started at 7 p.m., and how we all pretty wanted to go to bed immediately afterward. It was about realizing that Legends - Legends! - has a life-sized Chief inside. (Very sad, Matt'll never step foot in there again. Probably.) It was about seeing the Jazz and the Bulls play a game in...Champaign? (Odd, but cool.) It was about grillmaster Dave and stretching the babysitter's hours and Lynne abdicating the Oreo crown to...who remembers that sort of thing when you're this old?
Anyhow, it was another great weekend with great friends, including people who flew in from Colorado and Texas, and drove in from Iowa and Wisconsin. Matt was both thrilled and honored that everyone took time out of very busy schedules to visit. Yet another reminder this year how lucky Matt is to be surrounded by great friends.
But the fact is Matt should have written this post right after the game, as he intended to. Instead, Matt waited until after Illinois lost to Wisconsin and then WESTERN MICHIGAN. The Western Michigan Broncos?!? Ugh. From the Rose Bowl to losing to the MAC second place squad.
Butkus, Grange, Mendenhall vs. Jason Babin and John Harbaugh. Again with the torturing, I see.
Looks like it's back to the .commers for the Illini. Insight.com Bowl. GarbageRemoval.com Bowl. Com.com Bowl. The possibilities are .com less.

In other, non-wedding news

This is not an update on pink limos, or music selection, or flowers, or cake, or tastings, or dresses, or rings, or John Dillinger (bet you thought that would say Johnny Depp!) or Illini football.
This post is quite simply about good news.
The first piece of good news is that Lynne recently had her year-end review and to say it went well would be a massive understatement.
Quite frankly, the head of the department and the vice principal say she's a superstar. They love her style and demeanor and composure with the kids. This is no joke: they are going to videotape her and show it to new teachers as the right way to run a class. That's as big as compliments get.

Other good news, including some (very to only somewhat) belated congratulations:
Belated congratulations to Luke and Tracy, who got engaged and will be getting married this summer. Matt went to college with Luke and thinks he made a great choice. But you have to question Tracy's judgement, saying 'yes' to a Twins fan, don't you?

And very belated congratulations to Katelyn, for meeting her fantastic parents, Dave and Angela, and her brother 2-year-old Michael. Lynne and Matt finally got to meet Katelyn recently - what a fantastic little girl and great family.

And congratulations to Kevin and Angie, who are "with child," as the kids are saying. A fantastic couple who will make fantastic parents.

As long as we're talking babies, congratulations to Mark and Kate(s) who have a beautiful new baby girl, Phoebe Joanne.

And congratulations to the Mets for being so awesomely great.
As long as we're talking baseball, did you know Matt has another blog now? He's addicted. He kept it a secret because it. is. so. very. nerdy. But, if you're so inclined and love baseball cards, enjoy.

And congratulations to Lynne's sister, Laura, who got a fantastic internship at the prestigous Marco Island resort. Apparently, unlike many of her Western Illinois classmates, Laura had several offers for internships. It's not surprise a lot of people wanted to hang out with her - she's a blast. If it weren't for this pesky wedding Lynne and Matt would definitely be visiting.

More good news to share? Post it below!

I-L-L

Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, etc. It was amazing for Matt to wake up today and realize it's 2008, the year he'll be married. Cool.

However, in the immediate moment, it's the day that Matt's beloved Fighting Illini will be playing the hated (not really, but for this game) USC Trojans in the granddaddy of them all, the Rose Bowl. It's impossible for Matt to find anyone, anywhere picking the Illini. So, Matt will do it here:

MATT'S OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Illinois 29, USC 27.

Probably more with heart than head, but still.

Maybe USC is overconfident, or looking toward the NFL draft. Or maybe since no one, anywhere was picking Illinois to beat Ohio State (and they did), Juice will have the mojo going.

Either way, the gnome believes. The gnome believes.

UPDATE: Um, no. It was USC 49, Illinois 17. What's the worst part of that loss? The record books will always show a blowout, but the game was closer than that. Just a bounce or two the other way in the third quarter and it would have been a good game. But USC showed their veteran savvy and all that stuff. Blah.

When Matt was a freshman, Illinois lost to USC (at home) 55 to 3. And then only beat the Akron Zips the rest of the year. (Goodbye, Lou Tepper.)

Now the Illini are in the Rose Bowl and looking like a top 15 team next year. So, this is a lot more fun than it used to be. But, still, it would have been cool to win in the Rose Bowl.

Meanwhile, the gnome abides. The gnome abides, dude.

Back you to stand, against the best in the land

OK, you were promised some important wedding info in our next update. It's coming later today, honest. But would what sort of Matt Hanley blog would this be if there was nothing written about this:

Illinois 28, No. 1 Ohio State 21.

Wow. Juice Williams promises to get the extra inch on fourth down and delivers. Illinois beats the No. 1 team in the country for the first time since 1956, which is just slightly before Lynne and Matt were born.

Now, a lot of people are saying this win makes up for another Illinois-Ohio State game, where another No. 1, undefeated team lost. Matt's not so sure there's a connection, but he'll say this: Matt and Lynne drove to that 2005 game - the infamous detour through Michigan. Illinois basketball was undefeated, ranked No. 1. It was the first time Lynne thought Matt (and Alex and Luke and Keith) would cry because of a sports team. (They didn't. Much.) Afterwards the group was wearing orange in Columbus. Junior high kids were making fun of them. Matt is out looking for those kids right now.

Here's the only bad part of the big win: Every year, the Beacon News reporters have to sign up to work one holiday. Matt always picks New Year's Day, because he gets to write about the first baby of the year. After a year of arrests, stolen shrimp and murder trials, it's a nice change of pace. Of course, Matt never had to worry about Illinois playing in a New Year's Day bowl game before. Amazingly, that could actually happen this year. Matt feels a touch of the plague coming on already.

Oh yeah, the sandals? We just wanted to prove Matt can be clad head-to-toe in Illini gear and he isn't the least bit ashamed.

Oskee wow wow!!

Lynnfidential: a brief history of the bride-to-be

Lynne Seago hates surprises. Consider, for instance, that she wanted to be interviewed for this little biography. Allegedly, this was so she could see what Matt is like when he’s working as a reporter. The truth? She was trying to figure out what Matt was going to write. She can’t wait - she needs to know Right! Now!

Don’t bother watching a movie you’ve already seen when she’s around. She'll only wants you to tell her how it ends Right! Now!
When she was a little girl - around third grade - her mom hid Easter baskets. For many kids this would be a quest. For Lynne it was simply an annoyance. She wanted the basket Right! Now! It should be noted that the basket was “hidden” on the back of the couch, covered by a blanket. It looked liked a Volkswagen hiding under a Post-It Note.
No matter. Lynne literally put her foot down until Mom had to get the basket herself.
With that in mind, let’s get to Lynne’s mini-memoir Right! Now!

Our lady hero, Lynne Elizabeth Seago, was born as a baby on Sept. 27, 1979, in Wheeling, West Virginia. (Motto: “Our state looks like an electrical plug.”)
She was an average baby: two arms, two legs, one head. And all in the right order. As an infant, people immediately noticed her red hair, just like her mom’s and her granddad’s. She was - and continues to be - a genuine cutie.



From left to right, Lynne Seago at 16 weeks, six months, one year and 18 months. Except for a brief period in the late 1980s Lynne Seago has remained extremely cute to this very day.

Lynne was a happy child who learned her multiplication tables when she was just 15 months old. Imagine that! Unfortunately, she forgot them and had to start over when she got to junior high.
Lynne is the first child of Barry and Sue Seago - two West Virginia natives. The family of three lived on the Ohio River. However, even as she took her first steps in the world, little did Lynne know that she would not be alone for long.

And by not alone, we mean that Leslie Seago was born in March of 1982 and Laura Seago was born December 1985. Lynne was a big sister, a role she fit into nicely and has always been very proud of.

(On the left, the Seago family in 1986. On the right, the Seagos in 1992, when Lynne had moved into better hair days, and pockets apparently.)

Although the girls were young when the family moved away from West Virginia some parts of the state never left them. Mainly, the dialect. Below follows a very quick guide to translating Lynnese:
- “Red up” = To clean or “ready” up the house just before the company comes over.
- “Gettie guys” = There is really no literal translation for this phrase. Gettie guys are anything that might attack you. Gettie guys are bugs that get in your sleeping bag. Gettie guys are whatever makes your breath smell like cabbage when you wake up in the morning. For your purposes, just know that gettie guys are bad.
- “Motee” = Remote control for TV.

- "Catch a bounce" = At the end of the day when you're wearing out, you need to catch a bounce to keep going.

After two years in Connecticut, the Seagos moved to the Cleveland area. But, as they soaked up the atmosphere of the Mistake by the Lake, little did Lynne know that looming in her future was a city that can only be described as existing in two counties, with the fourth largest population in Illinois and an elevation 751 feet above sea level.

The Seagos were about to become Napervillians. It's like Lilliputians, only bigger.

To make a long story only slight shorter, in 1989, the family moved to Naperville, Illinois, the home of more than few TGIFriday’s. Lynne enrolled at Naperville Central High School, excelled, and then headed to Illinois Wesleyan University (Motto: “No, it's not cool to call us Illinois Wes!”) in Bloomington, Ill., where she majored in English literature and history. She was also a member of Kappa Delta sorority.
After college, her first two years of teaching were spent at Leyden High School in North Lake, Illinois. Lynne taught there for two years before deciding to head back to graduate school in Chicago.
At that point, Lynne moved to Wrigleyville, got a job at Caribou Coffee and earned her master’s degree in political science.
Little did she know, that a man with uneven facial hair was waiting around the corner.
Of course when we say a man was waiting around the corner, when mean the metaphorical corner. And the man is Matt.

Yes, in July of 2004, she met Matt Hanley on a canoe trip with friends. Since, then life has been a series of never-ending wonderfuls. That’s right, things are so good that she had to noun an adjective. Each day has been a cascading waterfall of excellents followed by a slow drip of amazings. It’s that powerful.
While Lynne went through life with a smile on her face, little did she know, that an ancient building from her past was about to re-enter her life.

And by that, of course, we mean she got a job at her alma mater Naperville Central High School, in the history department. Lynne is a very good and dedicated teacher, who is always using Tootsie Rolls, Monopoly boards and Styrofoam balls that teach you about the seasons.
And, if you made it this far, you’re caught up to about five minutes ago.

But, is that it? Is that what makes Lynne Seago, Lynne Seago? A collection of address and dates, a few diplomas and some points on a resume?
That’s the broad outline, but the fun of Lynne is in the details. Like the fact that she can’t stay up past 9 p.m.
Or that she has an infectious smile.
Or that her celebrity crush is White Sox third baseman Joe Crede, even though she’ll never admit it.
Or that Lynne loves flowers, her dog Jack, crossword puzzles, carving pumpkins and scoring baseball games.

Or that Lynne was a Girl Scout, and earned the top rank.
Or, did you know that Lynne is an excellent cook?
Or that Lynne would rather watch the commercials than the TV show?
Or that Lynne has been to at least 16 countries (U.S., England, Ireland, Scotland, France, Germany, Belgium, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Czech Republic, Hungary, Romania and Mexico)?
Or that she thinks President Martin Van Buren looks like a monkey?

If you ever met her, you probably do know that Lynne is supportive, happy, brilliant, enthusiastic and creative.

Really, that’s only a little about Lynne. If we told you everything, there’d be no reason to see her in person, right? And trust us, she’s even more fun in person.
But if you feel like you didn’t get enough, then surprise her by mentioning your own favorite Lynne story, using the 'comment' link below.
You know how much she likes surprises, so do it Right! Now!

One football weekend, two major upsets

Sure, this blog is supposed to be all about weddings and love and veils and floral centerpieces, but we're taking a break today for something unbelievable (with a promise to swing back around to the marriage stuff):

The University of Illinois football team beat No. 5 Wisconsin. Amazing. Shocking. But it happened. There were stories in the paper about it. Matt and Lynne were even there.

Memorial Stadium in Champaign, Illinois, as the clock runs out. Kindly disregard the Cubs logo that inadvertently slipped into this photo.

For those of you who are unaware, Illinois has had a bad run of it for the past ... well, a long time. And yet, somehow they ran, and fake ran, and faked a fake run only to run with a fake running back, all the way to a 31-26 victory. And it wasn't even the biggest upset to happen this weekend in Champaign. More on that later in this post.

Matt was really looking forward to The Ultimate Football Weekend for a few reasons:
1. Matt loves to pack a car. He actually considers that a talent.

2. Matt had not seen some of his friends, post-engagement. He wanted to prove that, indeed, this whole event was not another elaborate gag and that Lynne was not some actor he hired on a four-year contract to dupe his friends. She really, actually said yes.

3. Matt is thrilled about marrying Lynne beyond words. He is also excited to plan The Big Day, which is essentially (after the bonding together of two lives, etc., etc.) a fantastic celebration among family and friends. And Matt enjoys a good party. He is honestly excited to make party favors and find a hall and pick a color (orange and green looks nice, right?) and demand the DJ plays Celine Dion on The Big Day.
But Matt cannot live weddings 24 hours a day. And after The Big Question, life went from la-da-let's-go-out-to-eat to EAT?-HOW!-CAN!-WE!-EAT!-WHEN!-WE!-DON'T!-HAVE!-A!-RECEPTION!-HALL!-YET!
It's not the amount of tasks, but the sudden jolt that is stressful. You get engaged at noon. At 12:15 p.m., you already don't have a florist or a location or seating arrangements.
Here's a story to prove Matt was losing his senses.
On Friday, Matt began to notice someone smelly lurking over his right shoulder at work. It took a while, but Matt figured out that Stinky Joe was, in fact, Matt himself. Somehow, he had forgotten to put deodorant on his right armpit. And it was hot on Friday, so this was particularly bad timing.
Now, this could be blamed on Matt rushing around, trying to get started on the wedding planning and organize The Ultimate Football Weekend. But really, when you think about it, how could Matt miss a pit? Even if he was distracted, even if he's not the most organized person in the world, the whole deodorizing process only takes a few seconds and it has a natural flow. Uncap, left pit, right pit, recap. Not too tricky. And really crucial for total coverage.
And yet, Matt went A, B, D. 1, 2, 4. Bonds, Aaron, Mays. John, Paul, Ringo.
You might forget deodorant altogether. That can happen in a rush. But to start and never finish? Not a good sign.
So, anyhow, Matt was looking forward to a weekend of watching football, grilling burgers, singing fight songs, taking PoliSci 356 finals. You know, dumb college stuff.

Karrie Theoharis (top left), Nathaniel "Kramer" Theoharis (cowboy hat), Dave Farmer (bottom left) and Matt cheer during the Illini win. Although it was 150 degrees (approximately) during the game, by this point, Matt had deodorized both arms and was able to raise his hands in a proper celebratory position.

Now, before this post is over, we promised to swing it back around to marriage and happiness and Rainbows in Loveland, etc. We'll do that by mentioning that among the many traditions at The Ultimate Football Weekend (hot dog trick, Meijer runs, blowout losses) is an Oreo eating contest. The premise is simple: Eat your stack of Oreos first. Mouth empty, tongue out required for authentication purposes.
There have been many great battles in the past, including the epic Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant match-up. This year's contest lined up to be one of the finest ever:
- Matt "Big Mouth" Hanley was in.
- Megan "Kenosha Kruncher" Hanley was entering for the first time.
- Her boyfriend, Josh "Ha Ha, He Cheered for Wisconsin" Jankiewicz was in.
- Shaft "Eric" Miller was in.
- The heavy favorite, Nathaniel "The Cookie Killer" Theoharis was back.
- At the last second, Lynne decided to join, her first attempt at the contest.
In the past, there's been stacks of 10 or more Oreos. But, theoretically, we've gotten smarter. This year, we had to eat four.
There are many different theories about the best Oreo Eating Technique. No milk is allowed so the "dipping" technique perfected by Coney Island Hot Dog champ Kobayashi is out.
The best strategy is to eat slowly, but consistently, one at a time. Every year, Matt intends to follow this plan, but panics and stuffs all four (or 10) Oreos in at once. Disgusting.
(No one yet has been brave enough to try eating the cream, then the cookie. It's just too risky!)

At right, the start of the 2007 Ultimate Football Weekend Oreo Eating Competition. Notice that Matt has already abandoned all sanity and is just haphazardly shoving Oreos into his mouth. Megan (far right, top) is also in trouble and would ultimately eat only three. She spent the rest of the day in isolation, thinking about her failure. Meanwhile, the three favorites (middle) eat confidently. Almost a little too confidently, don't you think? Lynne (bottom right) lurks.
Finally, notice that Josh is wearing a Wisconsin shirt. What a dork!




Matt eliminated himself early, once again plagued by Oreo Overextension Syndrome (that's what killed Marlon Brando, too). Megan never really had a chance. She earned some credit for trying, but then lost that credit by not finishing. She has shamed her family.
Most of the crowd focused their attention on which of the three favorites - Shaft, Josh and Kramer - would finish first. As all headed for their last cookie, Nathaniel suddenly noticed an Oreo Assassin.
In an upset worthy of wiping Buster Douglas, David and Jethro Tull off the books, this blog's lady hero took the title.
Nathaniel noticed Lynne was ahead, but it too late. Her tongue was out; mouth empty. It was over. The King is dead. Long live the Queen.

Kramer tries to warn the others about Lynne, but he has a mouth full of Oreos.

"Mmmfh," he said. "Lynftr ish arghlmoshhht dhurnghfl!"

Here's the point of this excessively long post. Just when you think The Big Day is going to swallow you whole in an unending pit of Stressylvania, Lynne beats four grown men in an Oreo eating contest.
And then Matt remembers what a great girl he found - a girl that is up for anything, afraid of nearly nothing and silly at just the right times. Matt remembers that if she'll put up with this insanity - indeed participate and at times dominate it - then everything is going to be just fine.
Of course, it also makes Matt think: The cake tasting is going to be interesting.