Mark of Fridays: AU graduation

As many of you know, Matt has changed his career course. About two years ago, he started taking elementary education classes at Aurora University. His last day at the Beacon-News was Jan. 4.

The reasons for leaving the newspaper industry are pretty obvious, but so is the choice to go into education. Matt loved newspapers because it was a chance to make his community a better place. Hey, schools do that, too!
And a second reason: Matt has a plethora of incredibly gifted teachers in his family that he can steal good ideas from!

Anyhow, after a year and a half of night classes, and four months of student teaching in a fifth grade class in Naperville, Matt graduated from Aurora University with his family in the audience.

There were so many people who helped make this proud day possible. Grandparents who babysat kids, offered up meals and gave support; sisters/cousins/sisters-in-law/wives who suggested lesson plan ideas and activities; bosses who let Matt out early; teachers who mentored Matt; and a wife who said, "Sure, let's turn our lives upside down!" Lynne did a yeoman's work without complaining.
Matt just feels like the luckiest guy in the world.

Mark wearing his dad's "funny hat".

Book it!

Are you struggling to find a decent coaster for your favorite drink? Do you find yourself thinking: "I wish my bathroom reading material included a little bit more about obscure Illinois murders"?
Having trouble starting your campfire?
Are you one thin book short of finally filling out that shelf on your book case?
Is one of the legs on your favorite table one-quarter inch shorter than all the others?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, and if you have $19.99 ($20.36 Canadian), then we've got just the book for you!

True Tales of Aurora, Illinois
by Matt Hanley

Hey, you know that guy!

Over the last few months, Matt has put together a book of short stories about historical events in Aurora, Illinois. All the stories are true, but their written in a narrative style. In other words, they're dramatic and have full rich characters. (At least that was the intention.)

For instance, you can read about the day that one of the most influential blues songs of all time was recorded in Aurora's tallest hotel. Or, the day the Wright Brothers amazed an Aurora crowd with their new invention. Or the season in Aurora that may have saved the career of future Hall of Famer Casey Stengel.
Also included, for no additional charge, are stories about: a tall, skinny Springfield lawyer's work on an Aurora patent case; the death of John Dillinger's best friend; some really gruesome murder mysteries; and the incredible heroism of Aurora's only Medal of Honor recipient.
In all, The Book is 37,064 words...or 53 pages...or 1,150 paragraphs...or 181,244 characters without spaces... long. That may seem like a lot, but it's a fast 37,000 words. (The last sixty four are a bit of a grind.)
Some of the stories were previously printed in the Beacon, but four are brand new. And since there is essentially zero overlap between the Beacon's readership and this blog's readership, they'll all be new to you!

Pretty soon, you'll be able to order it here.
The book is scheduled to be published in August. Not sure the exact date when it will be available , but the publisher said it will be "in the stores" by Aug. 8. What stores? Not sure.
But if you see it, consider buying eight copies, just in case the first seven get ruined.
For more information and exact dates of publication, search for "True Tales of Aurora, Illinois" on Facebook or click here.

Matt as firefighter

We know what you've been wondering: would Matt make a good fireman? Their motives weren't exactly pure (they were in the middle of contract negotiations) but the local firefighter union invited Matt to pretend to be a fireman for a day. Read the story here.

OK...it doesn't matter if you read the story. Matt just wanted an excuse to post this picture, which is officially as close to manly as he will ever be. (And it still wasn't that close.)

Tweet me!

Did you know that those of you who are on Twitter can follow Matt at MattHBeacon? Didjaknowthat?
Of course, it's a work account so it's lots of links to murder trials and roaming chicken stories. But if that's your kind of thing, then follow away!

Oscarama: Because not every post can star Mark

Stolen from the pages of the Beacon, here's Matt's annual list of Top 10 movies. For Matt, 2009 was a wonderful year in so many ways. But it was not a wonderful year for going to the movies. It was actually a better year for being in the movies than attending them. It was worth it.
So, if you want some likely dead-on predictions, check out Tripp's thoughts here.
No predictions from Matt, but if you want to see who Matt thought was slighted by the Osar nominations (yes, even with 10 best picture nominees), you can read the story here.
And, no, Matt did not list himself as best supporting supporting actor.

10. Food Inc.
I’m tempted to put the Baby Mozart DVD here, since it can hold my 5-month-old son’s attention for 15 minutes, providing cover while I eat dinner. That makes it one of my favorite movies this year. Sadly Mozart was released in 2000. Instead, I’ll choose this year’s best documentary. This movie made me take a second look at everything I eat — and gave me ideas on how to affect change.
9. Bruno
Bruno is far less accessible and far more biting than Sacha Baron Cohen’s previous character, Borat. It was easy to laugh at bystanders in Borat, but audiences seem hesitant to laugh at the homophobia in Bruno. But that’s the movie’s uncomfortable brilliance, right?
8. The Hurt Locker
There’s a lot to like in “Hurt Locker,” the best fictional movie made about the Iraqi War. The movie was tense, challenging and had a point of view. Jeremy Renner was spectacular.
7. The Invention of Lying
OK, this wasn’t the perfect movie. But it was the most ambitious piece of writing this year. Ricky Gervais takes the funny, inventive idea implied by his title and uses it to challenges viewers. This is not the movie portrayed in trailers: I’m surprised there weren’t protests.
6. Where the Wild Things Are
How this didn’t get an adapted screenplay nomination for turning a nine-sentence book into a 101-minute movie is beyond me. Writer Dave Eggers and director Spike Jonez found a way to film the wonders of childhood imagination and the terror of impending adulthood. A deeply symbolic movie that kids and adults can appreciate.
5. Sugar
In a down year for documentaries, “Sugar” was a fictional film that felt very real. I’ve been a huge baseball fan for years but I’ll view the International Pastime differently after this movie about young Dominicans trying to make it to the big leagues. This isn’t a sports movie. It’s about outsiders trying to find their home.
4. Goodbye Solo
The third movie from the director of “Man Push Cart” and “Chop Shop” returns to similar themes: immigrants living on the fringe of society. This time it’s a joyous taxi driver (who wants to be a flight attendant) that picks up a fare with few prospects. This is a touching film about what it means to be a friend and what we owe strangers.
3. The Hangover
This was the funniest movie I’ve seen in years. Unlike a lot of “dumb comedies”, it had great writing and a real plot. Zach Galifianakis created one of the all-time great characters.
2. Away We Go
I’m glad to see this on Andre’s list. I was afraid I was too biased seeing a movie about a pregnant couple trying to figure out their life while I was a dad-to-be trying to figure out his life. But this beautiful movie was funny, poignant and perfect.
1. In The Loop
Here’s a brilliant little dark comedy about the U.S. and Britain misusing assumptions and half facts while on the verge of war in Iraq. That would never happen, right? Outstanding performances and pitch-perfect writing.

The Elevens: A Serious Man; Up; I Love You, Man; Invictus
Some worthy movies I didn't see: Avatar, Up In the Air, Crazy Heart, The Messenger, Precious (Yes, that’s some big misses. I blame the baby. He only wants to see independent films.)

Election Night update

Since he was snubbed in the Academy Award nominations, and since it's late on Election Day/Night, Matt thought he'd take a moment to remember his one-in-one encounter with Alexi Giannoulias, now the Democratic nominee for Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat.

About four years ago, Giannoulias - then a candidate for treasurer - called a press conference with State Sen. Linda Holmes in Aurora. It was about gas prices or something. Matt has already forgotten because...it didn't make much sense at the time. (In fact, the more questions Matt asked, the less sense it made. )

Anyhow, Matt showed up at the "press conference." Just Matt. Well, Matt and the photographer who snapped this picture off Matt dutifully scribbling notes at the "press conference" where reporters were outnumbered by speakers. As the photographer said: It's a lonely job but somebody has to do it. She could have also noted: It's a lonely job, but we still have to fill the paper.

Even though Matt was alone, Holmes and Giannoulias still set up a podium (although if you look closely it's just a cardboard box), still spoke from prepared notes and still thanked everyone for coming. Not "Matt." Everyone.

Still, the true highlight was the location. The pols picked an abandoned lot across the street from a gas station, again, so they could highlight whatever they wanted to say about gas or gas prices or gas fumes. Well, it turns out this "press conference" was on private property. And the property owner - who ran the ice cream shop next door - wasn't notified of the big press gathering.

So, he chased all three of us off the lot. And so the "press conference" ended, not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Matt's criminal tendencies

From the letters to the editor section at the Beacon:

Good to see investigative team
"It's good to see The Beacon's award-winning investigative team back in the news. I've missed veteran...Matt Hanley. Anyone at all acquainted with Matt knows he has an excellent criminal mind."

Hmmmm....perhaps that could've been worded a bit differently...

Matt saw a guy get skewered on a fence

A cable guy is leaning his ladder up against a telephone pole. He falls off the ladder and lands on a metal fence with 6-inch spikes on top. The spikes went THROUGH HIS LEGS.
The guy was just dangling there.
And he was still conscious.
And Matt was right there. He almost had to help the paramedics unstick him.

It's true. Read the news story here, and then Matt's column about it here.

And after it was all over, Matt called his mom.
"Mom, you'll never believe what just happened."
"What?!" she answered, excitedly thinking about the grandchild on the way.
"Oh wait, it's really gross."
"Ok, well now you've got to tell me..." she said, hesitantly.
"A guy got impaled on a fence! It was unbelievable!"

I'll take Things I Never Thought I'd See for $1,000, Alex

So, this has to be pretty high on the list of things no one ever wanted to see. Matt holding a gun. And pointing it at some dude who looks a little upset.

And - to be honest - it's pretty high on the list of things Matt never wanted to be part of.

It was for work, of course. Matt did a story about police use of deadly force and he got to use the police shoot/don't shoot training program, which you can read here. (The main story is here.)

Although the gun was "real" (it was just like the ones the cops carry) it was obviously disabled. The gun had a laser you pointed at a TV screen so you could practice scenarios where police might have to use deadly force.

When Matt walked into the training room, the officers asked if he had shot a gun before. From the tone they used it was clear they meant: well, of course, you've shot a gun before, right? Who hasn't?

Well, Matt had fired a gun. When he was a child. In Cub Scouts.

The reason the photo was shot from that angle is so you can't the pee running down his leg.

Oscarama

So, you're saying you want to read everything that Matt wrote about movies this year?
Well, you're in luck.
Right here, you can read his annual Overlooked for the Oscars column, written for the Beacon, written with his friend, Andre. You can also gander at yet another critique of the The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, the worst movie ever made.
Right here, you can see Matt's list of 11 Great Running Movies, compiled on his running blog.
And just below these words, you can see Matt's list of the best movies of 2008. (With notations/exceptions for movies he couldn't see because Hollywood believes the best way to promote films is jam them all into the last two weeks of the year.)
And below those words, Matt listed his should win/will wins for tonight's show. Not as comprehensive or accurate as Tripp's list, but with twice the vowels!

Matt's Top movies of 2008

10. The Band’s Visit
I could have put Dark Knight here. But you’ve all seen Dark Knight, right? It’s good. Now go see The Band’s Visit on a night when you’re feeling thoughtful. It’s the story of a small Egyptian band that gets stranded in Israel .
9. Ghost Town
Another great little comedy that came and went, poof. Ricky Gervais is the key to the film – the cynic who changes without abandoning himself. Great writing. A movie that made me laugh. That's nice.
8. W.
This movie sort of faded away, didn’t it? I enjoyed this look at the 43rd President and I actually felt I understood him better. Josh Brolin should have been nominated for this movie, not Milk.
7. Iron Man
This was a good, old-fashioned enjoyable action movie with Robert Downey Jr., as the perfect superhero - a guy who thinks it's awesome that he has superpowers, a man of ego rather than humilty. I had no idea I would like this that much. I am actually looking forward to the sequel. Downey Jr was really good in Tropic Thunder, but should have been nominated for this movie.
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
This was a year for great comedies and none were better than this early year tribute to love. And when they finally make the movie version of Dracula’s Lament, that will probably make my Top 10, too.
5. The Visitor
This is a fantastic movie with spot-on direction and great acting all around. I was totally engrossed and for the most part never knew where the film was heading, but never felt cheated when it got there.
4. Milk
Years ago, I had seen a documentary on Harvey Milk and yet there were times when I forgot I was watching Sean Penn acting as Harvey Milk. A very powerful film with the best acting of the year. The speech Milk/Penn makes in Washington is fantastic.
3. Wall E
Another brilliant movie, visually and emotionally from the Pixar folks. Can we finally get these movies out of best animated film and into Best Picture?
2. Slumdog Millionaire
I don’t think many of the movies I saw this year will have much lasting power. The Top 10 is weaker than year’s past. Maybe it was the writer’s strike. But, I won’t forget this movie’s compelling storytelling. Jon Stewart was right: most depressing feel good movie of the year.
1. Standard Operating Procedure
Along with last year’s Taxi to the Dark Side, these two movies best explain why the United States policies in Iraq have not worked as well as we originally hoped. Somehow, director Errol Morris got interviews with Lynndie England the other members of the Abu Grahib scandal. And you know what? They had some smart, powerful things to say. A must see.

The Elevens: Baby Mama, Tropic Thunder, Man on Wire, Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired, Rachel Getting Married
Worthy movies I haven’t seen: The Reader; Gran Torino; Doubt; Trouble the Water; Pineapple Express; Frozen River; Synechdoche , New York

Should win/Will win

Best Picture
Should win: Standard Operation Procedure. Of the five nominees, Slumdog
Will win: Slumdog

Best Actor
Should win: Sean Penn, though Richard Jenkins was great, too
Will win: Mickey Rourke

Best Actress

Should win: Sally Hawkins for Happy Go Lucky. Since she's not nominated, Anne Hathaway was awesome
Will win: Kate Winslet because she's going to win eventually (admittedly, Matt hasn't seen Doubt or Frozen River or The Reader)

Supporting Actor
Should win: Heath Ledger
Will win: Heath Ledger (Yeah, he was awesome.)

Supporting Actress
Should win: Amy Adams, because even though Matt hasn't seen the movie, she's awesome
Will win: Penelope Cruz (Matt thought Cruz was good, but in fairness he hasn't seen the other contenders. Plus, Tripp says she'll win.)

Supporting Supporting Actor in a Johnny Depp Film That Has Not Yet Come Out
Should win: Matt
Will win: Christian Bale

2009! Woo hooo!

Happy New Year everyone!

2008 was a great year for the Hanleys, even if we didn't start as the Hanleys. 2009 will be even better. We've already made an addition to the house, which will be announced here soon. Oh, the anticipation is brutal.

In the meantime, one of Matt's resolutions is to run more often in the coming year. As part of that goal, he's started yet another blog. But this one is about running and it's for work, not play. At 1:09 am. Jan. 1, a post will show up right here on the brand-new, never-before-seen Off and Running blog. Later in the day, Matt will add Post #2. What would be great is if everyone went on there and looked at the blog - comment if you like - so that Matt's bosses will know why they pay him the big bucks.

Sadly, this means the Ugly Baseball Card Blog may have seen it's final set. Well, all weird things must come to an end.

Hope 2009 is a safe and joyous year for everyone!

This blog would like to express condolences to the family of Studs Terkel. You will be missed, Studs!

Christmas miracles

Matt doesn't like to post his real work on this blog, unless the stories are connected in some way to Johnny Depp, or at least Barack Obama. Matt figures if you wanted to read stories in the Beacon, then you'd probably buy a copy. Or nine. (Please!)
But Matt heard the grumblings about the lack of posts, and last week he covered a particularly memorable event.

Matt was on the night shift, a time when reporters can be assigned to anything that comes up. Matt's boss asked him to write about a doctor at Rush-Copley Medical Center who visits all the kids in the hospital's Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Basically, these are babies that were born way too soon and face a whole host of challenges. Obviously, they have no idea they're being visited by Santa, but the doctor stops by to make sure each family gets a picture with The Big Guy on their first Christmas.
With that kind of story, you never know what you're going to get. After all, you can't interview the kids and they're the most interesting people involved. But, Matt was pretty lucky that he found a family willing to share a difficult time in their life, for just a few minutes.
Hopefully, you'll find a little Christmas spirit in their story.

Here's the link to the story Matt wrote for the Beacon News.
(By the way, make sure to click on the pictures. They're not the babies I wrote about, but they're still fantastic photos.)

Some more Obama

Matt wrote a little in this weekend's Beacon about Obama's appearances in the Fox Valley. The formatting is a little strange online and you'll notice some familiar phrases, but it's still an interesting read. It wasn't so long ago that Obama was saying he wasn't going to run for President. (He did.)

What's more fun is the photo gallery the Beacon ran of all the pictures taken by staffers of the pre-President. Obama always seems rather relaxed, but if you want to know how tough the campaign trail is check out how young he looks just four years ago. Check it out here.

Also, one of Matt's friends wrote a fascinating column - from Africa - about the reaction to Obama's election on the other side of the world. A great read.

Happy Bogus Holiday Day

By Matt

The schools are closed. No mail and no murder trials. Banks will (hopefully) re-open tomorrow.
Because – in case you didn’t know - today is Columbus Day. Are we still celebrating this holiday?
Yes, Christopher Columbus was courageous and daring. It had to be pretty tough out there on the ocean for months, with no place to recharge your cell phone and, presumably, no wireless signal. But is this really still among our top holidays, worthy of a precious day off from work?
OK, so his voyage changed the relationship between two continents, opening up trade routes that reshaped the world. Big Leif Erikson’ deal. At best, Columbus happened upon a continent that had already been populated for – I’m approximating here – millions of years. At worst, he accelerated the acculturation of the American Indian.
Columbus isn’t even the Italian American most deserving of a holiday. He couldn’t hit a curveball like Joe DiMaggio; couldn’t storyboard his way out of a paper bag compared to Martin Scorsese; didn’t clean up any part of Times Square, ala Rudy Guliani; couldn’t play the first 10 notes of a Chuck Mangione riff; and wasn’t 10 to the negative eighth power the atom smasher that Enrico Fermi was. Heck, even Guglielmo Marconi did more for America – how else would we have met Casey Kasem?
Now, I don’t want to be misunderstood: I’m not advocating for an extra working day. And I don’t even want Columbus Day off the calendar. It can just be shuffled off to Flag Day Land where we see it, smile, then get back to turning out widgets and sprockets (or whatever you do for a living).
I’m saying if we’re going through all the trouble of creating a federal holiday, let’s get our money’s worth. Here’s my suggested replacements:

- First day of the World Series. (late Octoberish) I think we can all agree there’s not enough Wednesday holidays. So, I propose the national pastime championship starts on a Wednesday, giving us a nice breather in the middle of a late October week. This tradition can continue until the Cubs make the World Series, which would clearly mean the end of days is upon us. Who cares about an extra day of paid vacation with the wailing and gnashing of teeth on its way?

- Patriot’s Day. (Sept. 11) My sister suggested we use Patriot’s Day as a day to remember those less fortunate than us – sort of a national volunteer day where we go to work in the recycling centers and sock kitchens (opening soon). A great idea…but if the terrorists see all the good deeds being done because they struck American soil, I can only assume that will lead to more vengeance. No good.
Instead, I propose we use Patriot’s Day to be truly American: order a pineapple pizza online while watching reality TV (Is Joe Millionaire still on?) as you sip bottled water then flip the empties into the neighbor’s yard. Let’s show those that would hate America that even their worst attacks can’t stop us from leading our full throttle USA lifestyles.

- Matt Hanley Day. (June 28) A day to celebrate all things me. The day would start with the Wearing of the Hair Gel, followed by the Cursing of the Tailgaters and end with the Lamenting of the Mets Season. No? Don't like it? You’re missing out. You would have loved the midday Diet Coke Bath.

- International Talk Like A Pirate Day. (Sept. 19) Already being celebrated in small ways, but I think it’s time to expand this holiday. It would give me the perfect opportunity to tell me favorite joke: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
R?
Nope. P – it’s an R, but it’s missing a leg!

- Newspaper Day. (Sept. 25) Everyone will have to turn off their American Internet and go buy a newspaper or seven. We don’t care what you do with all those dead trees – paper mache is still popular – but just buy the newspaper. (Beacon only, of course.)

- Election Day. (Nov. 4) My wife – a history teacher – suggested Election Day be our newest holiday, so we can all participate in “the democracy” without claiming we had to stay after and clean the coffee bean cooker so it’s not our fault The National Outlaw Bacon party candidate won by a single vote. That’s my wife: very practical.

So, that’s what I’ve come up with so far in my new federal holiday campaign. I’m off to hit some curveballs.

Matt oughta be in pictures

OK, so this story will be printed in Matt's paper in the next few days, but the readers of LynneandMattBlog will get a sneak preview (thereby skirting any copyright violations as well).
The background: It was recently announced that Public Enemies, starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale and Marion Cotillard will be filming for a day or two in Aurora. (Read all about it here.)
Then, a few days later, they announced they were looking for extras (read about that here).
Since being an extra has long been a dream of Matt's, he jumped at the chance. And, well, you can read the rest of the story below...

I got dumped by Johnny Depp
By Matt
Staff Writer
Somewhere on my list of Life Goals - sandwiched between visiting every Major League Baseball stadium and learning to snorkel - is a simple wish: appear as an extra in a movie.
I don’t want a line. I don’t want to act.
All I ask is to have a chance at being the slightly obscured man standing on the edge of the frame in a major motion picture in a scene that may or may not be cut. A dream come true.
So, like a lot of other people, when I heard they needed extras for “Public Enemies”, the Johnny-Depp-as-John-Dillinger movie that’s filming in Aurora next week, I was ready.
If I have any talent, it’s blending in. You can barely be find me in my high school yearbook. In Little League pictures, I’m just a bit player jersey, barely more than a glorified blur.

So I called Joan Philo Casting, left my information but I never expected to a call back, for two reasons:
First, I’m a reporter which tends to make people unreasonably nervous. Even my family feels compelled to inform me Christmas dinner is “off the record.” I figured if the casting agency knew, they’d assume I was going to harass Depp about his opinion on Darfur and what was he wearing and how does he pick his roles and…so on.
Second, I have no acting experience. The closest I got was working on the crew for a church production of “Brigadoon.” I forgot to put the hill out, which was a problem because the song was called “The Heather on the Hill”. Awkwardly, I slid the hill on stage mid-song. Now, I had to pray no one from “Public Enemies” casting was at St. Hubert’s 1997 show.
To my surprise, I got a call Wednesday afternoon. They wanted me to come in the next day with my measurements, a pen and recent picture.
“Just so I’m clear,” I asked. “Does this mean I’ll be an extra, or are there still more steps?”
“If you show up tomorrow you have a really good chance.”
Really good chance? That’s better odds than I have most days, so I let myself get a little excited. That night, I found myself quietly practicing “peas and carrots”, a phrase that someone somewhere once told me is what extras say to simulate background conversation.
I had to remind myself: Don’t get your hopes up. They may not pick you. You might be the wrong size. They might already have all the people they need.

Thursday morning, with my boss’s permission, I drove to a bland building on West Randolph in Chicago. Around 10:30 a.m. I walked into their makeshift office pretending I was relaxed. But I was geeked out. A sign said “Quiet, screening taking place.” Wow. There were pictures of the stars next to the 1930s gangsters they would be portraying. Wow. Everything was fascinating.
A tall, blond woman directed me to a table and told me to fill out a card with some biographical information. I knew I was in trouble when I saw the first question: Can you ballroom dance? If ‘yes,’ which styles?
If you answered ‘no’, they wanted to know: Do you think you could learn quickly?
I had some options here, and they all involved lying. I can’t dance if my shoes were on fire, but I assumed admitting that lessened my chances. Still…something told me lying would be worse. I pictured showing up for waltz lessons and there would be Captain Jack Sparrow, shaking his head in disgust.
“Did this kid read the card? That waltz is rubbish.”

OK, so that was unlikely. But why take the chance? Best to admit I had two left feet.
The card didn’t let up. Next, they wanted to know if I had any talents, and the card suggested knitting and juggling as possible answers. I don’t know all of John Dillinger’s story by heart, but I don’t recall a juggling FBI agent catching him a big, crocheted net. I wrote “standing” as a joke, since it seemed to be a highly applicable talent in the extra business.
While I worked my way through the card, across the table, an Aurora woman was already finished. After taking her picture, the tall blond casting company employee immediately started signing the woman for different shooting dates - and could she get fitted today?
A few minutes later, the tall blond was telling an older, balding non-actor guy sitting to my right that he would be playing a jailer. Jailer? That sounded awesome. I realized: I might get picked.
I couldn’t help but imagine a year down the road, buying the “Public Enemies” DVD, bringing it home and freezing my quarter second.
“See that, right there,” I would say. “That’s where I was eating cardboard popcorn.”
“Amazing,” a star-struck bystander would say. “What was your motivation?”
“Well, I always believed in method acting, like Brando, Dean. Mainly, I drew off my own life experiences - what does popcorn mean? Is it just an exploded kernel, or is it really a metaphor for something larger?”

Enough - back to the story. Finally, the tall blond came back and I could hardly wait. Could “Man With Dog” be in my future?
“Can you grow your hair?” she asked me.
“Um, I guess,” I stammered, a bit confused.
“Great, well, we’ll try to call you in June,” she said. “Don’t cut your hair until then.”
“You don’t have anything for the Aurora shoot?” I asked.
“Sorry - we have really strict hair length requirements. If you grow out your hair out until June, maybe we can give you a call then. I‘ll mark ‘growing‘ on your card.”
I sat there, stunned. While the tall blond was extremely polite I’m pretty sure she was shoveling some heavy manure. The balding guy got to be a jailer, this wasn’t a hair length issue. And while I wasn’t alive then, it doesn’t seem that the 1940s were filled with shaggy hippies.
As I drove back to the office - trying to come up with a better story than “They turned me down” - I was reviewing my don’t-call-us-we’ll-call-you day. Had I made a mistake? Should I have bluffed on the dancing or the talent questions?
A quick glance, and they made up their mind. My family has always told me I have a misshapen head - extra storage in the back. A girl in college once told me a horse face. (That might have been an asset for “Seabiscuit“.)
When I got back to the office, everyone wanted to know how it went, so I re-told the story of the tall blond and the balding jailer and the ballroom dancing. I think everyone felt a little sorry for me. Then, one of my brilliant co-workers offered a theory.
“Maybe you’re so good looking that they didn’t want to distract the viewers from Johnny Depp.”
Of course! They’re paying Depp a boatload of money and it doesn’t do the studio much good if everyone’s looking at Man With Dog instead. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Probably saved the guy a lot of humiliation. I can live with that.
But just in case someone cancels, my misshapen horse-face head will be ready.
Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots.

Looking inside the Fridge

It's pretty safe to say that Matt has a very interesting, but very odd, profession. For instance, last Monday, Matt interviewed a man who says he was in World War I. If it checks out, this guy would be one of less than 10 WWI veterans left in the entire world (he's 103) and possibly one of two or three who saw actually combat.
Pretty big story, right?
That's nothing. Last Tuesday, Matt walked in to work and checked the fax machine.

"A Geneva dentist is restoring William 'Fridge' Perry's smile today. After 20 years of not seeing a dentist...The Fridge will be able once again to eat anything he wants and bite into apples with his front teeth. As he said 'I have waited for 20 years to fix my smile. ...Christmas will be extra special this year.'"

For those of you who don't know, The Fridge is sort of a Chicago icon. The big, friendly offensive lineman was on the 1985 Super Bowl champions, and inexplicably scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl rather than the immortal Walter Payton. Ditka never forgave himself.

So when Matt saw the press release, he wanted to turn away. He wanted to say, "With all the children starving in the world, do we really need to write about this guy? Are we really that obsessed with fat celebrities in this country?"

And yet, Matt - who's normally the police and courts reporter - was drawn to the story. These weirdo tales used to be Matt's specialty. Every day, his editor would pop up at his cubicle and ask something like:
- "Matt, I just heard there's a chicken running around on the West side. Can you chase that?" (That story included bonus facts - Chicken Nuggets.)
- "Matt, the new buffalo nickel is coming out this week, and the buffaloes at FermiLab are giving birth? Can you do a story about that?" (Although those might seem connected, trust Matt - they're not.)
- "Matt, a guy just shoved shrimp down his pants and ran out of a store. Do you have time?" (That one actually won an award!)

Matt eventually moved on to the blood and guts and murders of the police beat.
And yet... Matt somehow couldn't turn away from this Fridge story. The only explanation is that Matt was caught in the Fridge's gravitational pull. He is a big man, after all.

So Matt went over to the Geneva dentist's office where the Fridge was getting his new teeth. Now, it's important to note that the Fridge had NO TEETH before this. They had fallen out, been knocked out, or pulled out by the Fridge himself. And yet, having no teeth did not seem to slim down the Fridge. He is a big man, after all.

So, the dentist was busy screwing new teeth into a plate that had been surgically implanted in his jaw. It was disgusting. On top of that, two photographers and a reporter (Matt) are standing in this 8-by-10 office staring into Fridge's mouth. (No joke - a TV camera showed up later.)

Then, while the Fridge was getting his teeth screwed in, other people are bringing in footballs for him to sign. Between inserting incisors, he's writing "To Johnny and Tommy, The Fridge, TD, Super Bowl XX." The woman who designed his teeth brought her 8-year-old daughter to meet the Fridge. The little girl had no clue who he was, but at Mom's prompting she wished him a happy birthday. That's right, Mom wikipedia-ed The Fridge's birthday before making her 8-year-old daughter take a picture next to a giant's open mouth. The girl, undoubtedly scarred for life, probably assumed once all the Fridge's teeth were in, he would eat her. The Fridge is a big man, after all. Especially to 8-year-olds.

By the end, Matt felt a little bad for the Fridge, who was really a nice guy. Sure, he makes his money off his reputation (and he was getting free teeth), but that means he has to do whatever dance anyone wants him to. "Fridge, sign this." "Fridge, take a picture." "Fridge, gives us a thumbs up." He's a 400-pound puppet.

You can read what Matt ended up writing here, although Matt felt some of his best stuff got cut from the final version. But, hey, Matt's no dumb cookie. He can write, you will see. The others, they all learn from me.