By MattThe schools are closed. No mail and no murder trials. Banks will (hopefully) re-open tomorrow.
Because – in case you didn’t know - today is Columbus Day. Are we still celebrating this holiday?
Yes, Christopher Columbus was courageous and daring. It had to be pretty tough out there on the ocean for months, with no place to recharge your cell phone and, presumably, no wireless signal. But is this really still among our top holidays, worthy of a precious day off from work?
OK, so his voyage changed the relationship between two continents, opening up trade routes that reshaped the world. Big Leif Erikson’ deal. At best, Columbus happened upon a continent that had already been populated for – I’m approximating here – millions of years. At worst, he accelerated the acculturation of the American Indian.
Columbus isn’t even the Italian American most deserving of a holiday. He couldn’t hit a curveball like Joe DiMaggio; couldn’t storyboard his way out of a paper bag compared to Martin Scorsese; didn’t clean up any part of Times Square, ala Rudy Guliani; couldn’t play the first 10 notes of a Chuck Mangione riff; and wasn’t 10 to the negative eighth power the atom smasher that Enrico Fermi was. Heck, even Guglielmo Marconi did more for America – how else would we have met Casey Kasem?
Now, I don’t want to be misunderstood: I’m not advocating for an extra working day. And I don’t even want Columbus Day off the calendar. It can just be shuffled off to Flag Day Land where we see it, smile, then get back to turning out widgets and sprockets (or whatever you do for a living).
I’m saying if we’re going through all the trouble of creating a federal holiday, let’s get our money’s worth. Here’s my suggested replacements:
- First day of the World Series. (late Octoberish) I think we can all agree there’s not enough Wednesday holidays. So, I propose the national pastime championship starts on a Wednesday, giving us a nice breather in the middle of a late October week. This tradition can continue until the Cubs make the World Series, which would clearly mean the end of days is upon us. Who cares about an extra day of paid vacation with the wailing and gnashing of teeth on its way?
- Patriot’s Day. (Sept. 11) My sister suggested we use Patriot’s Day as a day to remember those less fortunate than us – sort of a national volunteer day where we go to work in the recycling centers and sock kitchens (opening soon). A great idea…but if the terrorists see all the good deeds being done because they struck American soil, I can only assume that will lead to more vengeance. No good.
Instead, I propose we use Patriot’s Day to be truly American: order a pineapple pizza online while watching reality TV (Is Joe Millionaire still on?) as you sip bottled water then flip the empties into the neighbor’s yard. Let’s show those that would hate America that even their worst attacks can’t stop us from leading our full throttle USA lifestyles.
- Matt Hanley Day. (June 28) A day to celebrate all things me. The day would start with the Wearing of the Hair Gel, followed by the Cursing of the Tailgaters and end with the Lamenting of the Mets Season. No? Don't like it? You’re missing out. You would have loved the midday Diet Coke Bath.
- International Talk Like A Pirate Day. (Sept. 19) Already being celebrated in small ways, but I think it’s time to expand this holiday. It would give me the perfect opportunity to tell me favorite joke: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
R?
Nope. P – it’s an R, but it’s missing a leg!
- Newspaper Day. (Sept. 25) Everyone will have to turn off their American Internet and go buy a newspaper or seven. We don’t care what you do with all those dead trees – paper mache is still popular – but just buy the newspaper. (Beacon only, of course.)
- Election Day. (Nov. 4) My wife – a history teacher – suggested Election Day be our newest holiday, so we can all participate in “the democracy” without claiming we had to stay after and clean the coffee bean cooker so it’s not our fault The National Outlaw Bacon party candidate won by a single vote. That’s my wife: very practical.
So, that’s what I’ve come up with so far in my new federal holiday campaign. I’m off to hit some curveballs.
