Least supporting actor: Man on Train Platform

Matt will post a very short review of Public Enemies later this week. For now, enjoy a pre-publication of a column Matt wrote about looking for himself in the movie.

For least supporting actor
By Matt
In case you hadn’t heard, a movie called Public Enemies opened this week. It’s hardly gotten any media coverage, so it should be noted here that parts of the John Dillinger biopic were filmed in Aurora and Chicago.
Allegedly, the movie stars Johnny Depp and Christian Bale. I saw Public Enemies when it opened Wednesday, but I have no way of knowing if these two fine actors made the final cut. I was too busy looking for the real star: me.
More than a year ago, I tried out to be an extra. Initially I thought I’d been rejected, but I ended up getting the call.
In May 2008, I spent two nights walking back and forth in Union Station and outside the Biograph Theater in Chicago . Most of the time I was so far away from the cameras, I never heard anyone yell “Action!” or “Cut!” and never had any idea what was going on.
It was like working security at the Super Bowl — great seats, but you’re facing the wrong way.
At some point, I did spot all the male leads: Bill Crudup passed me in Union Station, I glimpsed Johnny Depp at Biograph, and I actually walked past Christian Bale during a scene. If an extra tells you they don’t care about seeing the stars, or it doesn’t matter if they end up on camera, they’re terrible liars. That’s the only reason to do it.
That being said, an extra’s life isn’t glamorous. On set, we were never called “extras,” which would at least imply we were some kind of happy bonus. We were “background” — the mobile equivalent of a tree or a telephone.
It was a very strange, monotonous experience punctuated by moments of seeing something — or someone — exciting. So although I knew it would only last a split second, I was eager to look for myself. (Oddly, I can not find the same level of enthusiasm for locating myself every morning in the bathroom mirror.)
I thought there were two possibilities: I was in a large crowd of people waiting for a train to pull into Union Station. The odds weren’t good there. But, I had ended up very close to a scene where Bale is organizing FBI men outside the Biograph. I put the odds at 50-50 the back of my head might appear in that scene.
I had enlisted my family to assist in the hunt, although I was a bit discouraged when my mom left the theater, pointed to a picture and asked if that was the Public Enemies poster. It was an ad for the new Harry Potter film.
In the theater, I kept my eyes wide. (Think Clockwork Orange .) I’ve watched thousands of movies, but for the first time, I looked right past the stars. I found myself admiring the subtle work of Woman On Bench, Confused Bank Customer and Man with Hat. I was even jealous of Reporter Who Asks Dumb Question. (My real-life specialty.)
Soon enough, the credits were rolling without a glimpse of my ugly mug. Still, I enjoyed seeing how “my” scenes looked in a real movie.
As we walked out, my wife said: “I think I saw you.” Surely, she was joking.
“Were you wearing a brown coat?”
“Yes.”
“Were you wearing a tan hat?”
“Yes.”
“Were you holding a suitcase? And you were standing, like this, facing the train? And were there two guys behind you?”
Yes, yes, yes.
I couldn’t believe it.
I had missed me, even though I knew where to look. I had waited a year, then whiffed.
But I’m told Man on Train Platform was brilliant. Is there an Academy Award category for that?

Cinematic stunner! Ads for boffo gangster film axe main movie man!

HOLLYWOOD - The cinematic community was stunned by a prominent omission in the recently released commercials for the upcoming summer blockbuster Public Enemies (coming out in one month - get your tickets now).

Neither the film's trailer, which was leaked on the official site for Public Enemies (you can go on almost any website and start planning which theater you'd like to go to) nor the three commercials planned for television feature one of the key players in the film: Matt Hanley. Hollywood insiders were stunned.

"I was stunned," said co-star and three-time Academy Award nominee Johnny Depp. "Just stunned."

Likewise, Christian Bale, an up and coming actor who also has a role in Public Enemies (July 1 isn't that far away, really) echoed Depp's thoughts.

"Like Johnny, I could only say that I am wholly stunned," Bale said. "This is stunning."

Academy winning director Michael Mann, who directed Public Enemies (seriously, tickets are going fast - this movie is going to be big) says the oversight was not only planned but intentional.

"We're trying to stun people," Mann said, while cutting Hanley's name out of the opening credits of the film. "Stun them!"

Reached for comment at his palatial Naperville estate Hanley declined comment.

A star is born

So, Matt was on Yahoo or some such website today and he noticed they had a list of the 10 most searched phrases. It was your standard boring stuff: Taylor Swift, Belly Bandit, Chris Brown (side note: I never heard of this guy a month ago), meatless recipes. Blah, blah, blah.
But then...Number 6... public enemies.
What? Why were people searching for Public Enemies, the film starring Matt and co-starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale and Billy Crudup?
Could it be? Is it possible? Is the trailer out?
Yep!

Pretty good trailer (side note 2: Matt once wrote a paper in college on trailers in film noir - he got an A, so that makes him an authority on such things). Only one quibble, really: It appears they left Matt's name off the credits. But this is only the first cut so there's time to get that corrected.
All three scenes Matt acted in appear in the trailer if you don't blink. Matt is not shown directly, probably becuase the director wants to save at least one big surprise for the audience.
The first scene is a very brief shot of the Biograph Theater, where Matt spent hours walking back and forth, back and forth - having no idea what was going on. It's about 20 seconds into the trailer, when Johnny Depp is saying, "I like baseball, movies..."
The second scene is a high overhead shot of Union Station, just after Billy Crudup says, "John Dillinger has given us a second chance..." Matt spent about an hour outside that room walking back and forth, back and forth - having no idea what was going on.
That shot is followed immediately by a very brief clip of a steamy train pulling into Union Station. Matt spent about five hours walking back and forth, back and forth next to that train. Needless to say, he had no idea what was going on. But he did get to carry a suitcase.
OK so, yes, it's infantile, but Matt has watched the trailer approximately 80 times since Thursday afternoon. It is awesome. Probably the best movie Matt has been in.
And, well, it was more fun than the end of that Penn State game.

The Backgrounder, Part II

OK, so here's the rest of the story - Part II of Matt's Movie Adventure.
Like any good sequel, it promises to be shorter, with more pictures and maybe a celebrity cameo here and there. Unlike most sequels this will be more exciting than The Original.
If you need to catch up, first Matt was rejected by Johnny Depp, then mocked with Johnny Depp, then embraced (figuratively) by Johnny Depp's people, before the first day of shooting.

So, Matt returned for the second day of shooting, which promised to be more exciting, since it was at the Biograph. For those of you who don't know - spoiler alert! - John Dillinger got shot outside the Biograph Theater on July 22, 1934.
That little fact made Matt excited about this shoot for two reasons:
- The two big stars (Depp, Christian Bale) were probably going to be there.
- This scene was probably not going to get cut from The Movie.
Matt had a strategy this time. On the first shoot, Matt kept ending up just outside of the group that was picked to do something interesting - like walk past the real stars, or get a shoe shine next to Christian Bale.

The assistant director would say, "you you you you and you come with me." And they'd pick everyone standing right around Matt. Or they'd ask for a group of 10 people, Matt would walk over and be the 11th. It starts to give a guy a complex.

So on Day Two, Matt was ready. He would be on alert for any chance to get in the action. Or to even hear someone say action.

After calling in the secret number at a secret time (no joke - it was like a spy code to find out where you were supposed to be, when) at 5:30 p.m. Friday, May 23, Matt reported to Brookfield Zoo, where he caught a studio shuttle over to DePaul's gymnasium for costuming. The gym had been divided into two areas. On one side was a holding area for people waiting to go on set. On the other side was an Army of hair stylists.

Matt got another trim, got his "summer" costume (same as the winter, but no jacket, hat or tie) and was ready to go by probably 7 p.m.

Next up was props and they had some good ones. At the train scene people got tickets or suitcases, at the theater they had umbrellas, bags of candy, pipes, eyeglasses, programs, etc. Matt got a newspaper to carry. (All the headlines were authentic, but the words were gibberish - just like a real paper!) A newspaper man carrying a newspaper? Could it be a sign? Were things lining up for Matt?

Next, it was off to the Biograph Theater on Lincoln. The crew had shut down the street and turned it into a 1930s scene. It was moments like this when you get a feel for how big of a production a movie really is. You know about the director, the actors. But there's literally hundreds of other people working on a movie set, and probably hundreds more back in the office.

The crew had laid down rubber road with rubber trolley rails. All the store fronts - including a CVS - had been changed to barber shops, hat stores, etc. This guy and this guy took a bunch of great pictures of the street.

Then, all the Backgrounders were sent to a Mexican restaurant to wait. And wait. And wait. Until it was dark. By then (around 9 p.m.) it was also cold. This was a problem because the scene was supposed to be a sweltering hot summer day. That's why they call it acting, folks!

With his sleeves rolled up, collar open and breath visible, Matt would steel himself to stop the shivering before each shot. This time Matt got paired up with a random guy to play "Guys walking away from the theater."

And so, Matt and Walking Guy played this scene over and over and over. They were fairly close to the theater when they'd start walking so there's a chance they might be in the shot. But there were no Stars out there and, again, Matt had no idea how the shot fit into The Movie, so who knows. Still, they walked. And walked.

The time was a little more enjoyable because Walking Guy was a film student who said he had been a co-star in a $2 million independent movie called St. Petersburg or Randomosity. (A later Google search by Matt would cast doubt on this story. Walking Guy also said his girlfriend was a model, but in the surreal setting of walking down a 1930s summer street on a 2008 cold night, it seemed to make sense.)

True or not, Walking Guy's stories were just fine for passing the time because he knew all sorts of movie names for regular things. Like "stingers" are extension cords and "C-47s" are clothes pins. (Why they need clothes pins to make a movie, is still a bit of a mystery.) Walking Guy even had an elaborate, slightly off-color story on why they're called C-47's but since he may have made it all up, we'll leave that for another time.

And, still, they walked.

They walked so many times that Matt and Walking Guy started to make up back stories for their characters to pass the time. Matt and Walking Guy were old college friends, who gone to the local bar to catch up. Matt was playing Patchee Barnes, a supervisor for the Tollway Authority who seemed to dress a little too nice for his pay scale. Was he skimming a little off the top?

Walking Guy played Ralph, a local math professor who - besides secretly lusting after Patchee's wife - was concerned that one of his pupil's research into the theory of infinity was surpassing even his own impressive work. It was all very existential and a great way to forget how very cold it was.

And, still, they walked, even as the road choked with the exhaust of Model T's rumbling through the scene. Ralph and Patchee would walk so far they never knew when the scene was over. It was like being a security guard at the Super Bowl, with great seats close the action, but you're facing the wrong way.

Every once in a while all the Backgrounders would get to duck into the theater lobby to warm up. That was where all the Backgrounders were sitting - hungry, cold, tired - during a particularly long break around 1 a.m. As most stared silently into space, a guy in a straw hat walked by. Matt looked him in the eye, then wondered if they'd ever serve dinner.

"That was Johnny Depp," said Ralph, the possible liar, as the door closed.
Indeed as several ladies started to hyperventilate it became clear that it had been Johnny. He was wearing a straw hat and funny little mustache. Matt had looked right at him -nearly made eye contact with the guy from two feet away - and never recognized one his favorite actors. Matt had missed his Star Sighting. Coming back with Billy Crudup last time was cool, but everyone wanted a Johnny sighting. Heck, Matt wanted a Johnny sighting. (Click here to see Johnny. Maybe you can understand why he was tough to ID.)

That near miss woke Matt up a bit, but it was to no avail. All the Backgrounders were sent back to the Mexican restaurant (which had a false front nailed over pinatas decorating the real windows) for dinner. Matt lined up with everyone else when a crew member suddenly said, "We need 30 people for this scene." Matt rushed over. He was #31.

No problem, there will be other chances, Matt thought. And every once in a while someone would pop in to announce they needed one more person. Matt would jump up, a second too late. By now, it was 2 a.m. and Matt was really tired. Still, he was determined to stay up. Since he was here anyhow, he might as well get in the movie. Then, at about 3 a.m., they started collecting everyone's props.

Matt slipped out between takes and stood in the background. About 15 feet in front of him, getting a makeup check was Johnny. Ralph was walking right past him in the scene! (Surely, he'll later tell others he was the co-star.) Matt couldn't help but be jealous.

He had never been anywhere near one scene with a star in it. Matt never expected to see himself in the movie, but he wanted to watch how a real movie scene is shot, hear a director give instructions. It didn't look like that was going to happen. Matt went back inside, propped himself up in a booth decorated with festive cacti and started to plan the drive home.

Then, out of nowhere, they needed 10 people. Matt ran like he was on fire. He followed an assistant director right through the main set, until they were across from the Biograph. Unexpectedly, Matt ended up standing right next to Academy Award nominated director (for The Insider, an awesome journalism movie) Michael Mann. And 10 feet ahead was Christian Bale. Holy lucky placements, it was Batman! The American Psycho! (Also, oddly, he's going to star in Killing Pablo, the very book Matt had been reading to fill the hours on set.)

From where Matt was standing, he could look at the screen Mann was watching. In other words Matt got the first viewing of how it will look on the big screen . Matt could see as Mann positioned actors in the frame, and heard him give instructions. In the scene, Bale - as FBI director Melvin Purvis - gives the signal to his G-Men to spread out.

Finally, Matt had his elusive bit of Movie Magic. Worth every blister, every shiver and definitely worth stealing all those nickels from the Toll Booths.

By now, the sun was rising and people were running around like crazy trying to get the shot before it got too light. The Backgrounders had to walk past the agents and Matt ended up right next to Bale at few times.

By 5:30 a.m., it was a wrap - they really say that - and by 7 a.m., Matt was on the road. He drove to Lynne's house - who was already up, getting ready for her bachelor party by then - and crashed for about two hours before Alex arrived for Matt's bachelor party. Sleep is for suckers and non-Movie Stars.

It's not something he wants to do every weekend (especially not the night before a bachelor party) but Matt would definitely consider being a Backgrounder again. In fact, the Extras Company called Matt - while he was still napping - to beg him to come in Tuesday through Saturday for overnight shoots. Being on a movie set was fantastic, but Matt will keep his day job.

OK, so you want to know: Will you be able to see Matt in the movie? If you buy the DVD...and play it frame-by-frame....there's still almost no chance you'll see even the back of Matt's head.

But so what? Guarantee: Matt will be there in July 2009 when the movie opens, waiting to see Melvin Purvis give the signal to his agents.

Then Matt'll lean over and to they guy next to him and say, "Yeah, I kept on eye on Mann while he was shooting this scene, just to make sure I liked the way it looked." And the guy next to Matt will undoubtedly say, "Aren't you Patchee Barnes? I love your work."

Total movie haul: Twenty five hours of shooting, two free haircuts, three celebrity sightings, one small case of frostbite, one foot blister, one fake paper (returned), one validated parking, two free meals and a great - albeit long - story.

That's me in the background...

(Note: No, you didn't miss a bunch of posts. Taking a cue from his friend Mark, Matt has backdated a couple posts so he can get a bunch up at once. A lot has happened!)

So here is a picture of - in case you can't tell - the top of Matt's foot. Gross, right? Well, there's a point. Matt has run seven marathons, hiked the Grand Canyon and danced like a crazy person. But it wasn't until he became a Movie Star that he got a blister on top of his foot.
What follows is a true account of Matt's first day as an extra. It is filled with (not much) drama, (some) comedy and (mostly) standing around thinking about feet.

After the initial fitting and haircut, Matt was told to report to the movie set at 7:30 a.m. Sunday, May 18. The Extra Coordinators had warned there was a possibility of a 4:30 a.m. call, so Matt was relieved that he could sleep in a little bit. But bright and early, he was driving downtown for his first day as a Movie Star, with visions of scenes with Johnny Depp and Christian Bale dancing in his head.

The reality checks started almost as soon as he got to the set.

"Are you background?"

No, Matt was not background! He was an Extra! A wonderful, proud tradition that included thousands of nameless, faceless people desperate to see themselves on the same screen as that guy who was in Benny & Joon.

Background! Trees are background. Mailboxes are background. Dogs are background! Not Matt. Matt was an Extra.

"Um," Matt said. "Yeah...um...background."

"Sign in here," the disinterested woman replied. "Take a seat."

OK, so Matt was not going to be a Big Movie Star after all. From the start, the crew made it clear Matt and the Extras really were background, extraneous, expendable. The directors and assistant directors and sub directors weren't mean, but they didn't learn names, didn't worry all that much if you were in pain and definitely didn't want to hear your opinion on anything. (Which is perfectly understandable.)

However, that being said, there's a decent chance that some Joe Extra walking in off the street will actually end up displayed prominently in the movie. And if any extra tells you they don't care about seeing the stars, or they don't care if they end up on camera, they are huge - and terrible - liars. It's in the back of everybody's mind. That's why you're doing it. That's the only reason to do it.

That very thought crossed Matt's mind as he filed into the big dressing room tent set up on a Chicago parking lot. Among hundreds of train conductors, FBI agents and pedestrians, Matt located the costume he had been fitted for, only to discover the suspenders had vanished. Matt panicked. Surely, he would be pitted in a critical scene with Mr. Johnny Depp when - wham! - his pants would fall down. Matt didn't know director Michael Mann personally, but he imagined that he frowned on extras - pardon, Background - depantsing themselves in key scenes.

As Matt sweated this, he noticed the guy next to him (who, it turned out, was a reporter for the Tribune) had no shoes. Seeing that, the suspenders didn't seem as bad. Still, it could be a problem. Matt and Joey No Shoes commiserated about their bad fates when they saw that a man across the dressing room - a portly fellow with boxers struggling to rise above crack level - had no pants.

Someone had stolen this man's pants.

I wept because I had no suspenders. Then I met a man with no shoes. We wept because we had no shoes or suspenders, until we met a man with no pants and low boxers. Then we really wept.

Finally, someone found suspenders and shoes and - thankfully - pants for all concerned. Next it was over to hair and make-up. Hair - as you can see in these two odd self portraits - was pretty much short on the sides and cemented across on the top. Matt's stylist was, no joke, cross eyed. Still, Matt ended up wearing a fedora, so that didn't matter much.

After that, the next five hours were spent doing not much of anything. All the Backgrounders sat in an empty warehouse, and waited. And waited. They got served a pretty good free lunch, then waited some more. Matt read about another gangster killed by the feds, Pablo Escobar, and kept waiting. Finally, all the Backgroundistas walked back five blocks to the tent, for a costume check. A slightly unpleasant but extremely efficient woman ripped off men's hats ("this is from the 40s!" she yelled) and told Matt he better button up his shirt. ("Tighten up," she scolded. "You're working.") Then, everyone walked back to the warehouse and waited. Then, back to the tent and they checked all the costumes again. Then more waiting.

Finally, around 1:30 p.m., Matt and the Backgroundettes got the call. Show time! Everyone hiked over to Union Station, where three tracks were blocked off for the scene. Regular people (see how quickly Matt slipped into that!) took pictures of the Backgrounditos, which was pretty cool. Everyone was excited and bumping into each other as onlookers tried to see if anyone was Anybody Important.

A crew handed Matt a prop - a large suitcase - and Matt finally walked into Union Station for his first movie shoot. Life goal #45 - check!

Union Station looked cool. A giant coal-burning engine was on the middle track and the two outside tracks had antique green passenger trains. For a few seconds, it was like walking back into the 1930s. Amazing. (You can see some 'pretty sweet' video of one of the trains here.)

Then, ADs (assistant directors to you regular people) started placing people all along the platform. The basic scene - as Matt understood it - was everyone was just arriving in Chicago, amazed by the big city. The ADs started giving everyone little stories.

"You two stand together. You just got married and you're waiting for the train."

Then, to Matt: "You're their brother. You're traveling with them."

So, this was movie acting.

Matt wanted to know about this character. Was he traveling to Chicago or away from it? Why would he be tagging along with newlyweds? And why were his shoes so darn uncomfortable?

But before any of these questions were answered, the ADs gave Matt a new character: Guy standing further away. No, further. Furrrrther.

By the time the ADs finished moving Matt, he couldn't see the cameras anymore. Matt ended up standing with a very nice lady who was a nurse from Indiana - in real life, not in the movie.

This post is really long, so we'll take a break from the narrative to interject this: One of the "rules" of being a Backgrounditis was you were not supposed to talk to the media about the shoot.

To Matt, this is funny for three reasons:

One, Matt IS the media. And he's constantly talking to himself.

Two, Public Enemies is a true story. No one's going to be too surprised by the details of what happens to John Dillinger.

Third, Matt couldn't reveal any details about the filming even if he wanted to. Why? Well, back to the story.

Matt could not reveal any details about the filming because he had no idea what was going on. For the most part, he was so far away he never saw the cameras. He definitely never heard them say "action" and only heard them say "cut" two or three times.

Hour after hour, Matt and the other Backgroundians walked up and down the platform.

Someone would shout "Rolling!" and Matt would get ready.

Then "Background!" and Matt would start walking toward the front of the train. He'd walk until someone said stop. None of the Big Stars seemed to be there. Matt saw the director a few times, but he had no idea what this scene was about or where it fit in the movie until hours later, when someone else explained it. (It was about the Texas Rangers arriving in Chicago.)

To break the monotony, the train eventually moved and when it did, whoa boy. It shot dirty, sticky, awful soot all over Matt. Half of his face was almost completely black. Ahh, the glamour, the glory.

After about five hours of back and forth, back and forth, they finally moved the Backgroundians out to the beautiful main room of Union Station, seen at right. In this scene - Matt was told later - the Texas Rangers meet Melvin Purvis, played by Christian Bale. Some people even got to hear the director yell at Bale.

Not Matt.

Matt was walking back and forth, back and forth at the end of the hallway. Why? To "build a human wall" so some ATMs further down the hall wouldn't show up. It was true background work.

Around 7:30 p.m., the crew took a short break and offered everyone pizza. But by the time Matt got from where he was stationed in ATM blocking Siberia, every slice was gone. Still, the Backgroundillas had a few minutes for a bathroom break, so Matt scoured the area looking for place to wash off some soot and use the facilities, which they hadn't been allowed to do for hours. It was on the way to this bathroom break that Matt passed Billy Crudup.

That's right, Billy Crudup! Mr. Prefontaine! Mr. Almost Famous! Mr. MasterCard-is-Priceless commercials! Anyways, he's one of those actors where you'd know him if you saw him.

Matt was pretty impressed, especially since Crudup is playing J. Edgar Hoover and as you can see here they don't really look alike. But, well, makeup did a pretty good job and Matt could have swore he was walking past J. Ed himself.

Finally, at 8:30 p.m. someone yelled "that's a wrap!" (or so Matt was told) and they sent everyone home for the night.

As the they waited in line to turn in their costumes one of the other Backgroundoramas tried to figure out how much he got paid. He estimated about $100.

"By the time I buy the DVD, a movie ticket and a small popcorn, I'll break even!" he laughed.

All in all, the experience reminded Matt a lot of running the marathon and not just because of the nasty blister he got after his newlywed brother and sister-in-law left him with crummy shoes. At the time, it was tiring and monotonous. When Matt called Lynne on the way home, he wasn't sure if he wanted to even go for the second shoot, at the Biograph.

But the next day, Matt was thrilled he had been part of it and the stories kept pouring out.

So, yes, Matt went back for the overnight shoot at the Biograph, determined to spot Johnny Depp or Christian Bale (two of Matt's favorite actors). But that's for another long post later...

Tally for Day One of Public Enemies shooting: 13 hours of shooting, one free lunch, one free haircut, no Johnny Depp, a top of the foot blister and one celebrity sighting.

All in all, priceless.

Dear Mr. Johnny Depp - I'm sorry

So, you may remember this little post about Matt's rejection by the folks at Public Enemies, the movie starring the one and only Johnny Depp, the greatest actor of our generation.
(To summarize for those of you too lazy to click a link: Matt has a misshapen head, one that is too freakishly grotesque to appear on screen with Mr. Depp.)
So, even though he was secretly hurt after being rejected by Sir Johnny Depp, Matt had a little laugh on the blog and in the newspaper, then moved on. Forgot about it. Left Depp behind.

Until... about two weeks ago he got a call. The number was blocked, so Matt figured it was a cop or a prosecutor calling him for work. (The following is a recreation of actual events.)
Cheery voice: "Hi, this Emily from Public Enemies calling to see if you can come in for a shoot on the 18th and the 23rd."
Matt: Stunned silence.
Cheery voice: "We're going to be filming at Union Station on the 18th. And then, on the 23rd, we'll be at the Biograph Theater. And that would be the scene where he gets shot."
Matt: Stunned silence.
Cheery voice: "I just talked to your dad like three times. So, we were wondering if you were available for any of those dates."
Matt (interior): Wow! Yes! Woo hoo! Yes! With bells on! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!
Matt (out loud): "Why, yes, that might work. Um, did you say you talked to my dad?"
Cheery voice: "Yes, Tom Hanley."
Matt: "That's not my dad."
Cheery voice: "Yes, Tom Hanley."
Matt: "That's not my Dad."
Puzzled voice: "Yeah, I talked to him this morning. Tom Hanley."
Matt: "That's not my dad's name."
Further puzzled voice: "Tom Hanley."
Matt: "My dad's name is Mark."
Quizzical voice: "Well, I talked to Tom Hanley."
Matt: "Um...I'm sure that's not my dad's name."
Perplexed voice: "Your name is Matt?"
Matt: "Yes."
Perplexed voice: "I talked to Tom Hanley. Tom Hanley has a son named Matt."
Matt: "Well, that may be, but that's not me. I really want to do this. I just want to let you know that's not my Dad, in case you're looking for someone else."
Flummoxed voice: "Please hold."

Matt was on hold for at least three minutes and he spent the time pondering how he would convince this woman that, in fact, he did know the name of his father. Matt figured this was all about to fall apart again. Instead, when she came back, she gave him a confirmation number and a time to show up. This was getting kind of real.
Still, Matt kept this all under his hat, sure the movie folks were going to call back and say they'd made a mistake, that the Horse Face doesn't belong on the big screen, or Tom Hanley has come back to claim his son. But neither of those things happened. Instead, they called back and told Matt when he could come in for a fitting. This was very, very real.
Matt had to go to this certain address in Chicago. They told Matt he couldn't wear scented deodorant or cologne and he couldn't take pictures and he had to wear underwear (apparently that was a problem with some other folks) and he had to come alone.
Matt: "Can I bring my guide dog?"
Cheery voice: Stunned silence.
Matt: "Just kidding. Ha-ha."

So, about a week ago, Matt went in for a fitting and Matt again almost blew it. For, you see, when someone is fitting you for clothes they want to know your sizes. Not Matt's strength. They wanted hat and neck and in-seam and arm length and on and on. Matt doesn't even know his own shoe size because, why bother to learn when it's printed in the shoe? Right? Right? (Matt guessed 10; it was 7-1/2. The cheerful fitting woman rolled her eyes.)
But, luckily the people were very forgiving and they found clothes, even though the shirt neck is two sizes too small because Matt guessed 14-1/2 (he knew it had a half in it!) then was too embarrassed to admit it was way off. The room was this odd, unfinished office space with hundreds of suits, shirts and hats from the 1930s. Matt couldn't help but think that, somewhere, there was a group of naked grandfathers wondering who stole their clothes while they were napping.
They gave Matt a suit (gray with pinstripes), suspenders, a brown tie, a brown fedora, a giant light brown overcoat that weighs eight pounds, and black shoes. You weren't allowed to take pictures so instead Matt posted a picture of his grandfather to approximate the look. Suffice to say, he looked cool.
Finally, they shaved Matt's sideburns (oh, those beautiful sideburns!) and gave him a check-in date. Holy moly, this was going to happen!

The first day of shooting was this past Sunday and it was pretty fascinating...and weird...and dull...and awesome. But Matt will post more about that later because this post is far too long already and he's still trying to see if anyone's posted pictures of the shooting at Union Station. (Yes, people were taking pictures of the extras.) Plus, suspense is good for increased readership.

So in summary, Mr. Johnny Depp, you are a great actor, director and humanitarian. And all those nasty things that Matt said about you - and he said a lot of horrible, profane, terrible things - are water under the bridge as far as Matt's concerned. The Horse Face forgives you.

Lynne horrified! Wedding called off!

We here at LynneandMattblog have the sad task of announcing the dissolution of the Lynne-Matt pending nupitals.
Lynne and Matt hate to make this kind of announcement on a blog, but your phone was busy. And when we came by, you were out, so we felt uncomfortable leaving a note with your secretary. And, also, someone stole our car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts!

Anyhow, how it all happened was...

As you all know, Matt was rejected by Mr. Fancy Pants Johnny Depp.

Matt was really angry and he called Johnny every bad name in the book. Stupid head. Bongo brain. Bongo butt. Pig face.

But Lynne was willing to work with Matt. She understood his hurt, his rejection.

Then, Matt decided to hold a one-man protest of all Johnny Depp movies, which was troubling for Lynne because she really likes Finding Neverland.

Still, she was willing to work with Matt. She understood his pain, his anger.
And then.... Matt started to get a little too obsessed with Johnny Depp. He talked about being a Pirate. He wanted to move to 21 Jump Street. And he started wearing pink sweaters.

And then these pictures appeared in the local paper....

And then, there was this picture....

So....that was a little hard to explain. Matt claimed, "It was just Photoshop, honey!"

But really. Does that look Photoshopped to you?

And well, when you've seen that, can you really blame Lynne?
Of course, the "break-up" is all April Fools...

But those pictures really were published in the paper. Oh yeah, it's easy to serious journalism after that!

Matt oughta be in pictures

OK, so this story will be printed in Matt's paper in the next few days, but the readers of LynneandMattBlog will get a sneak preview (thereby skirting any copyright violations as well).
The background: It was recently announced that Public Enemies, starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale and Marion Cotillard will be filming for a day or two in Aurora. (Read all about it here.)
Then, a few days later, they announced they were looking for extras (read about that here).
Since being an extra has long been a dream of Matt's, he jumped at the chance. And, well, you can read the rest of the story below...

I got dumped by Johnny Depp
By Matt
Staff Writer
Somewhere on my list of Life Goals - sandwiched between visiting every Major League Baseball stadium and learning to snorkel - is a simple wish: appear as an extra in a movie.
I don’t want a line. I don’t want to act.
All I ask is to have a chance at being the slightly obscured man standing on the edge of the frame in a major motion picture in a scene that may or may not be cut. A dream come true.
So, like a lot of other people, when I heard they needed extras for “Public Enemies”, the Johnny-Depp-as-John-Dillinger movie that’s filming in Aurora next week, I was ready.
If I have any talent, it’s blending in. You can barely be find me in my high school yearbook. In Little League pictures, I’m just a bit player jersey, barely more than a glorified blur.

So I called Joan Philo Casting, left my information but I never expected to a call back, for two reasons:
First, I’m a reporter which tends to make people unreasonably nervous. Even my family feels compelled to inform me Christmas dinner is “off the record.” I figured if the casting agency knew, they’d assume I was going to harass Depp about his opinion on Darfur and what was he wearing and how does he pick his roles and…so on.
Second, I have no acting experience. The closest I got was working on the crew for a church production of “Brigadoon.” I forgot to put the hill out, which was a problem because the song was called “The Heather on the Hill”. Awkwardly, I slid the hill on stage mid-song. Now, I had to pray no one from “Public Enemies” casting was at St. Hubert’s 1997 show.
To my surprise, I got a call Wednesday afternoon. They wanted me to come in the next day with my measurements, a pen and recent picture.
“Just so I’m clear,” I asked. “Does this mean I’ll be an extra, or are there still more steps?”
“If you show up tomorrow you have a really good chance.”
Really good chance? That’s better odds than I have most days, so I let myself get a little excited. That night, I found myself quietly practicing “peas and carrots”, a phrase that someone somewhere once told me is what extras say to simulate background conversation.
I had to remind myself: Don’t get your hopes up. They may not pick you. You might be the wrong size. They might already have all the people they need.

Thursday morning, with my boss’s permission, I drove to a bland building on West Randolph in Chicago. Around 10:30 a.m. I walked into their makeshift office pretending I was relaxed. But I was geeked out. A sign said “Quiet, screening taking place.” Wow. There were pictures of the stars next to the 1930s gangsters they would be portraying. Wow. Everything was fascinating.
A tall, blond woman directed me to a table and told me to fill out a card with some biographical information. I knew I was in trouble when I saw the first question: Can you ballroom dance? If ‘yes,’ which styles?
If you answered ‘no’, they wanted to know: Do you think you could learn quickly?
I had some options here, and they all involved lying. I can’t dance if my shoes were on fire, but I assumed admitting that lessened my chances. Still…something told me lying would be worse. I pictured showing up for waltz lessons and there would be Captain Jack Sparrow, shaking his head in disgust.
“Did this kid read the card? That waltz is rubbish.”

OK, so that was unlikely. But why take the chance? Best to admit I had two left feet.
The card didn’t let up. Next, they wanted to know if I had any talents, and the card suggested knitting and juggling as possible answers. I don’t know all of John Dillinger’s story by heart, but I don’t recall a juggling FBI agent catching him a big, crocheted net. I wrote “standing” as a joke, since it seemed to be a highly applicable talent in the extra business.
While I worked my way through the card, across the table, an Aurora woman was already finished. After taking her picture, the tall blond casting company employee immediately started signing the woman for different shooting dates - and could she get fitted today?
A few minutes later, the tall blond was telling an older, balding non-actor guy sitting to my right that he would be playing a jailer. Jailer? That sounded awesome. I realized: I might get picked.
I couldn’t help but imagine a year down the road, buying the “Public Enemies” DVD, bringing it home and freezing my quarter second.
“See that, right there,” I would say. “That’s where I was eating cardboard popcorn.”
“Amazing,” a star-struck bystander would say. “What was your motivation?”
“Well, I always believed in method acting, like Brando, Dean. Mainly, I drew off my own life experiences - what does popcorn mean? Is it just an exploded kernel, or is it really a metaphor for something larger?”

Enough - back to the story. Finally, the tall blond came back and I could hardly wait. Could “Man With Dog” be in my future?
“Can you grow your hair?” she asked me.
“Um, I guess,” I stammered, a bit confused.
“Great, well, we’ll try to call you in June,” she said. “Don’t cut your hair until then.”
“You don’t have anything for the Aurora shoot?” I asked.
“Sorry - we have really strict hair length requirements. If you grow out your hair out until June, maybe we can give you a call then. I‘ll mark ‘growing‘ on your card.”
I sat there, stunned. While the tall blond was extremely polite I’m pretty sure she was shoveling some heavy manure. The balding guy got to be a jailer, this wasn’t a hair length issue. And while I wasn’t alive then, it doesn’t seem that the 1940s were filled with shaggy hippies.
As I drove back to the office - trying to come up with a better story than “They turned me down” - I was reviewing my don’t-call-us-we’ll-call-you day. Had I made a mistake? Should I have bluffed on the dancing or the talent questions?
A quick glance, and they made up their mind. My family has always told me I have a misshapen head - extra storage in the back. A girl in college once told me a horse face. (That might have been an asset for “Seabiscuit“.)
When I got back to the office, everyone wanted to know how it went, so I re-told the story of the tall blond and the balding jailer and the ballroom dancing. I think everyone felt a little sorry for me. Then, one of my brilliant co-workers offered a theory.
“Maybe you’re so good looking that they didn’t want to distract the viewers from Johnny Depp.”
Of course! They’re paying Depp a boatload of money and it doesn’t do the studio much good if everyone’s looking at Man With Dog instead. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Probably saved the guy a lot of humiliation. I can live with that.
But just in case someone cancels, my misshapen horse-face head will be ready.
Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots.