OK, so here's some news. Lynne and Matt were going to try out for the Amazing Race on Saturday. (Known, locally as “The Great Race”.) The Race is a great show. People travel all over the world and there’s a minimum of infighting and pettiness, for a reality show.
It’s also basically the only show Lynne and Matt watch, except for the occasional American Idol or Antiques Roadshow. Each week, Lynne and Matt speculate: “Which detour would you pick?” (The one without goats.) and “Who would do this roadblock?” (Matt does the ones that require running or patience; Lynne does the ones that require problem solving or smarts.)
It’s also basically the only show Lynne and Matt watch, except for the occasional American Idol or Antiques Roadshow. Each week, Lynne and Matt speculate: “Which detour would you pick?” (The one without goats.) and “Who would do this roadblock?” (Matt does the ones that require running or patience; Lynne does the ones that require problem solving or smarts.)
Anyhow last week Lynne and Matt were watching The Race when they noticed a little ad.
“Have you ever wanted to be on the Amazing Race? Come down to Champion Windows in Elmhurst where you can try out between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.” And so on...
“Have you ever wanted to be on the Amazing Race? Come down to Champion Windows in Elmhurst where you can try out between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.” And so on...
Travel the world on someone else’s dime? That sounded about perfect to Lynne and Matt. And Lynne and Matt would obviously win the $1 million prize, since they’ve already developed fool-proof plan for winning the Race:
- Never take directions from someone who is talking in slow motion. Inevitably, they will turn out to be wrong.
- If your partner is a little person, no problem. But if that is the case, do not stand on the little person’s shoulders when you need to reach something high. That makes no sense.
- No matter what is happening, this is the not the worst day of your life ever, or the worst person you’ve ever met in your entire life, ever. It can’t be, since you said the same thing last week. So, stop whining and start running!
- Avoid obstinate camels. (Applies to Merediths only.)
- Finally, if you're an old man and you have to jump across a muddy river, do not strip down to your underwear. There is absolutely no reason being in your tightie whities will help you vault a mud river. Seriously, that makes no sense.
- Never take directions from someone who is talking in slow motion. Inevitably, they will turn out to be wrong.
- If your partner is a little person, no problem. But if that is the case, do not stand on the little person’s shoulders when you need to reach something high. That makes no sense.
- No matter what is happening, this is the not the worst day of your life ever, or the worst person you’ve ever met in your entire life, ever. It can’t be, since you said the same thing last week. So, stop whining and start running!
- Avoid obstinate camels. (Applies to Merediths only.)
- Finally, if you're an old man and you have to jump across a muddy river, do not strip down to your underwear. There is absolutely no reason being in your tightie whities will help you vault a mud river. Seriously, that makes no sense.
The next season is likely going to be taped before The Big Day, but while Lynne was still in school. She wasn’t sure about trying out, but Matt said: “What the heck? It’ll be a fun thing and we can always turn them down later.”(It should be noted here that Matt’s an old hand at The Race. He and his college roommate Nathaniel, seen at right, actually tried out for The Race a few years back and made it to the interview round. But they weren’t controversial enough and didn’t have pink hair so they didn’t make it any further. )
Anyhow, Lynne and Matt printed out the THIRTEEN PAGE questionnaire, spent the night filling it out and planned to get to Elmhurst by 9:30 am. Plenty of time, right? I mean, who even watches this show? (That’s called foreshadowing, kids.)
Lynne and Matt got to Elmhurst around 9:45 a.m. It’s freezing. Like, cows spitting out milkshakes cold. Not only that, but there’s a pretty darn long line. Probably 80 people lined up to the doors.
Lynne says, “Do you want to stay?”
Matt does not want to stay. He is cold. And the line is long. But he thinks: What would Phil do? The Race wants to weed out the people who won’t stand in line just because it’s cold. They want to cast off the weaklings. A little cold is nothing compared to opening 590 Chinese locks, smashing 3,000 plates or tuning a classical piano.
Matt grins and says, “Sure, let's stay.”
So….then, after a while, people start coming out of the store. Oh that’s right, there's a line inside the store, too. And, at 11 a.m., the first people are coming out of their taped interviews. People who got to the store at 3 a.m. Three o’clock in the morning! Maniacs!
Lynne and Matt got to Elmhurst around 9:45 a.m. It’s freezing. Like, cows spitting out milkshakes cold. Not only that, but there’s a pretty darn long line. Probably 80 people lined up to the doors.Lynne says, “Do you want to stay?”
Matt does not want to stay. He is cold. And the line is long. But he thinks: What would Phil do? The Race wants to weed out the people who won’t stand in line just because it’s cold. They want to cast off the weaklings. A little cold is nothing compared to opening 590 Chinese locks, smashing 3,000 plates or tuning a classical piano.
Matt grins and says, “Sure, let's stay.”
So….then, after a while, people start coming out of the store. Oh that’s right, there's a line inside the store, too. And, at 11 a.m., the first people are coming out of their taped interviews. People who got to the store at 3 a.m. Three o’clock in the morning! Maniacs!
Lynne and Matt are then told that inside the store there are people who have Number 220. And the people coming out - after an hour - were number 40. Meanwhile, Lynne and Matt are nowhere near getting inside. But Lynne is still smiling and cute and really wants to try out because it’s an adventure. And Matt tries to be tough. Phil would be tough.
But the one thing that Matt learned from The Race is this: you got to know when to bail out of a challenge that’s going nowhere. Let’s say you’ve just unrolled 112 bales of hay, or eaten 456 Belgian cookies, or milked a cow for three hours, or you’re screaming at a donkey, but you still can't find the Fast Forward. Sometimes you’ve got to try the other detour. You may have to shave your head or paint an Indian goddess, but hey, Phil will still be there in the end.
But the one thing that Matt learned from The Race is this: you got to know when to bail out of a challenge that’s going nowhere. Let’s say you’ve just unrolled 112 bales of hay, or eaten 456 Belgian cookies, or milked a cow for three hours, or you’re screaming at a donkey, but you still can't find the Fast Forward. Sometimes you’ve got to try the other detour. You may have to shave your head or paint an Indian goddess, but hey, Phil will still be there in the end.
So Lynne and Matt gave up. Matt thawed out. (And then got sick! See how it came full circle?)
And rather than a great TV story, maybe you’ll enjoy some of the answers to the truly stupid questions The Race puts on the try-out forms. Let’s just say that Matt got a little bored/offended by some of the questions and didn’t give max effort. Perhaps, Lynne vs. Matt’s answers will shed some light on this relationship.
There’s a bunch of standard, name, occupation questions, and then…
What famous person reminds you of yourself?
Lynne: Blank. (Considered putting Hillary Clinton, since she’s smart and successful.)
Matt: “Met Ott. Both have last names that would work well in crossword puzzles.”
Lynne: Blank. (Considered putting Hillary Clinton, since she’s smart and successful.)
Matt: “Met Ott. Both have last names that would work well in crossword puzzles.”
What is your biggest pet peeve about your partner?
Lynne: “He takes a long time to make decisions.” (True!)
Matt: “Her hair is everywhere. It haunts me. It’s on my coat, in my car - even when I haven’t seen her for days.”
Lynne: “He takes a long time to make decisions.” (True!)
Matt: “Her hair is everywhere. It haunts me. It’s on my coat, in my car - even when I haven’t seen her for days.”
What is your opinions of foreigners?
Lynne: “They have life experiences different than mine, so they are people I can learn from.”
Matt: “I don’t like people from Indiana, if that’s what you mean. I’m fine with everyone else.”
Lynne: “They have life experiences different than mine, so they are people I can learn from.”
Matt: “I don’t like people from Indiana, if that’s what you mean. I’m fine with everyone else.”
Describe your perfect day.
Lynne: “Waking up in a place I’ve never visited before, then spend the day with Matt seeing historical sites, meeting new people and trying new foods.”
Matt: “Wednesday.”
Lynne: “Waking up in a place I’ve never visited before, then spend the day with Matt seeing historical sites, meeting new people and trying new foods.”
Matt: “Wednesday.”
What are your phobias?
Lynne: “Scorpions. Irrational, but true.”
Matt: “Fear of questionnaires. Aaaaaaaaahh!!!”
Lynne: “Scorpions. Irrational, but true.”
Matt: “Fear of questionnaires. Aaaaaaaaahh!!!”
What are your favorite topics of conversation at a dinner party? What topics are off limits?
Lynne: “Favorite: Books. Off limits: The details of child birth (ew).”
Matt: “Journalism, politics and baseball are good topics; I will not talk about decapitation.”
Lynne: “Favorite: Books. Off limits: The details of child birth (ew).”
Matt: “Journalism, politics and baseball are good topics; I will not talk about decapitation.”
Well, Great Race you missed out on those Great Answers. Maybe next time.
