The Things Pregnancy Taught Me

So we're rounding the corner on Month 9. We've entered the 9th inning. We're measuring the distance to D-Day in mere weeks. And since Lynne is nearly done--finally--she thought she'd impart on you, our loyal readers, some lessons she has learned from being storked.

Lesson 1: The People Who Design Maternity Clothes Have Clearly Never Been Pregnant.
Before Baby Hanley was even a twinkle in her eye, Lynne had some gripes with women's clothes manufacturers, like the people who designed the miniskirt (looks good on no one over 15), nylons (start tearing before you even get them on), and high heels (generally painful). But maternity clothes are in a category all their own, particularly maternity pants.

As a pregnant lady, you have a choice between two pant styles:

a. The over-the-belly variety, which have a huge stretchy panel built in above the hips. You're supposed to pull the stretchy part up practically to your armpits, allowing your larger-than-life belly to hold up the weight of the pants. There are several problems with this. First, the belly is already quite heavy already, since it is full of Baby. Second, the body temperature of a pregnant woman is generally 400 degrees hotter than a normal person, since she's carrying a little built-in furnace right out in front. The over-the-belly pant adds an extra, skin-tight layer of clothing onto someone who's already boiling up.

b. The under-the-belly variety. This type of pant is held up by an extra-thick band of elastic that fits right across the hips, under the baby. While cooler than the over-the-belly pants, wearing this style means you must have hips expansive enough to keep the pants from falling down. Apparently, Lynne doesn't: when she wears this style, she practically has to keep one hand in her pocket at all times or risk getting caught in her skivvies. Another negative: the elastic band sits right above the bladder, which a pregnant lady already has to empty every 15 minutes. It's basically a no-win situation, unless your mom has some maternity muu-muus leftover from the '70s.

Lesson 2: Everything is More Difficult When You're Pregnant.

Before Lynne was pregnant, she considered a lot of things to be difficult: running a marathon, doing quantum physics and trigonometry, bench-pressing 300 pounds, negotiating peace in the Middle East, assembling furniture purchased at IKEA.

Now that she's pregnant, that list has changed entirely. Daunting tasks include: climbing stairs, going from laying down to standing up, bending over to pick something up off the floor, putting on her own pants, staying awake for 10 straight hours.

Lesson 3: A Big Belly = A Stranger's Open License to Talk to You

Lynne has always been a little bit shy, a little reluctant to approach strangers or to open a conversation with someone she doesn't know. She's never really liked to attract attention. But, since she's been pregnant, people have come out of the woodwork to talk to her. Neighbors come out of their houses as she's walking the dog to ask her when she's due. People at checkout counters ask her the gender of the baby. While riding down the escalator at Macy's last month, the lady behind the perfume counter called out to her - from over 10 feet away - and asked how she was feeling, as if the two had been friends for years.

This is all very nice and well-intentioned, Lynne realizes, but usually these well-wishers end up talking to her for at least 10 minutes. Their original inquiries into her health or the baby's due date lead to long stories about the birth of their own children, the pregnancy of someone they know who's due around the same time, stories about someone from their family who might end up sharing the baby's birthday, or - Matt's favorite - a crazy story they once heard about someone who failed to make it to the hospital in time and had to deliver the baby in the car.

Lesson 4: Most People are Certain They Can Predict a Baby's Gender Without the Use of an Ultrasound Machine.

Lynne and Matt do not know the gender of Baby Hanley. Matt doesn't even try to guess. And although Lynne has heard that "mother's intuition" can help her to determine the baby's sex, she hasn't got a clue. In fact, the only person who does know the baby's gender is the Ultrasound Technician, who Matt and Lynne haven't seen for months and who didn't write down her findings anyway. Regardless of all these facts, most of the other people in Matt and Lynne's life - including the strangers who approach them on the street and in the mall - have conclusively determined the baby's gender. Most of these people are certain, beyond a doubt, that they are correct.



Some strategies people have used to determine Baby Hanley's gender:
- ESP
- Lifting Lynne's shirt and feeling her sides (Lynne's mom's method of choice)
- Sizing Lynne up from the back
- Dream analysis
- Determining the gender of Lynne and Matt's siblings
- Having Lynne stick out her tongue
- Analyzing the shape and position of Lynne's belly
- Asking which set of grandparents will live closer to the baby (a girl in Lynne's class tried this)

The funny part is that, despite such sophisticated methods, results are still mixed: about half of these experts say Baby is a boy. The rest say girl.

Lesson 5 (and perhaps the most important lesson of all): Pregnancy Changes Everything.

Lynne and Matt have always heard that being a parent changes everything. Lynne thinks, however, that pregnancy has made drastic changes in her--even if some of them will (hopefully) change again after Baby is born. Lynne had always assumed that her personality was pretty established after 30 years: as a pregant lady she'd be practically the same person, only larger. Wrong-o, Bongo.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne wore a size 8 shoe. Now, she can barely squeeze her Polar Bear Feet into a size 9 wide. And only if it's a flip-flop.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne had a heart of steel. She didn't cry when she got engaged, or married. Not even Steel Magnolias could crack her composure. As a pregnant lady, she's a mess. Commercials make her cry. She falls apart when country music plays, especially if it's a sappy one about a dad and his kid.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne would pass up candy, sweets, and cake in favor of veggies. In fact, she's been known to pass up the fries at Chili's in favor or two sides of broccoli. As a pregnant lady, Lynne + broccoli + digestion + open flame could wipe the whole neighborhood off the map, and there must be chocolate morsels in the fridge at all times. Matt nearly lost his head the day he took to work the Secret Snickers that she'd hidden behind the eggs.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne could sleep like a log through anything: crashes of thunder, the dog barking, a marching band practicing 3 inches from her nose. Now she wakes up at least 3 times during the night, every night. And she snores.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne could remember details. She had a super-computer in her head that could keep track of her own and Matt's monthly calendar, people's birthdays, the first and middle names of all of Matt's friends' new babies. Since she's been pregnant, she's got nothing. So far, Lynne and Matt have paid for - and forgotten about - tickets to tour Wrigley Field and a breastfeeding class at the hospital. Oops.

The good news is that Matt says pregnant Lynne finds him even funnier than she did before she was pregnant.

She can only imagine how funny he - and life - will be after she's done being pregnant. Of course, at that point she'll have even more to learn.

No offense if your name actually is Broom Hilda

Holy moly - one month until D(elivery) Day!
The bags are packed by the door with care and the nursery is more or less ready. The stroller is assembled and the playpen is put together.
Now all we need is a baby.

So, everybody wants to know what The Baby's name is going to be. Well, truth be told, Lynne and Matt have picked out a name for Baby Hanley. But they're not telling.
Of course, that doesn't mean people aren't trying to guess.
Perhaps, it would help to point out what the baby won't be named. Inspired by Mary Beth (who really is responsible for a lot, since she's the one who introduced Lynne and Matt), here's a list of names Baby Hanley won't be sporting, listed alphabetically.

Without a doubt, The Baby will not be named:
Adolph Hanley
Broom Hilda Hanley
Cassius Hanley, Chewey Hanley
Dorkus Hanley
Ebenezer Hanley, Englebert Hanley
Fabio Hanley
Gilligan Hanley, Groucho Hanley, Gargamel Hanley, Ghengis Hanley
Hanley Hanley, Humphrey Hanley, Hubert Hanley
Ichabod Hanley
Jesus Hanley
Kinsey Hanley
Lester Hanley
Murray Hanley, Millard Hanley, MacGyver Hanley, Mulva Hanley
Napoleon Hanley
Osama Bin Hanley
Poindexter Hanley, Popeye Hanley, Pugi Hanley
Quigley Hanley
Rudolph Hanley, Rutherford B. Hanley, Roland Hanley
Seymour Hanley
Tutankhamun Hanley, Tito Hanley
Ursula Hanley, Ulysses Hanley
Vito Hanley
Whitey Hanley, Woody Hanley
Xerxes Hanley
Yolanda Hanley, Yogi Hanley
Zeppo Hanley

What else should be crossed of the list?

Not a joke, really

Blatantly stole this link from my friend Mark's page. And yet, it's funny.

A visit to Dodger Stadium and Petco Park

A few weeks ago, Lynne and Matt finally, finally got to visit their very good friends Alex and Ann, who live in Irvine, Calif. Although that entire state appears to be nuts - how can anyone drive so fast? - it was so wonderful to see friends. Not to mention the weather was perfect every day, you could drive to the ocean and you can eat fresh seafood for breakfast, lunch and dinner if you wanted. Still, they're nuts out there.
But going to California was also a great opportunity to add to Lynne and Matt's (OK, Matt's) baseball stadium quest. On July 18 and July 20, everybody went to Dodgers Stadium and Petco Park (home of the Padres), respectively.
And, without further ado, the evaluations.

STADIUM ONE - Dodger Stadium
Although it was built in 1962, Dodger Stadium is the third oldest ballpark in the majors. But unlike some other 60s stadiums (ahem, Metrodome, ahem), Dodger Stadium doesn't feel old. Basically, it's held up well.
Matt went to a game against the Astros, which the Dodgers won 5-3. Manny was back from suspension and it happened to be Joe Torre's 69th birthday. One of the highlights of the game was when Astros pitcher Mike Hampton - annoyed about giving up a double - angrily whipped the ball into his glove...and missed. A run scored on the play. Never saw that happen before.
The best thing about Dodger Stadium is the beauty. All of California is beautiful, but Dodger Stadium is scenic. From the parking lot in Chavez Ravine, you get a perfect view of downtown Los Angeles - from there it really does look like the City of Angels.
Inside the park is equally magnificent. The Dodger logo has weight and the team uses that well. The logo at the top of the fifth level behind home plate, 'Dodgertown' in block letters outside the stadium and the retired numbers placed perfectly in the outfield. The view was good from nearly any part of the park and Matt would have liked to try the seats in Mannywood, just for fun.
The park was exceptionally clean and the food was good and reasonably priced, considering it was Los Angeles. Plus, as shallow as this may be, it was neat to see celebrities in the stands. Fred Willard, Calista Flockhart were there and one of the ladies from Desperate Housewives almost bumped into Matt on the way out. Even if it wasn't Marlon Brando, it added a bit of Hollywood feel to the game.
From the top of the upper deck on a clean, fresh night, it was quite a sight.
The downsides? Really, there were two and a half.
Now, maybe Matt just was there on the wrong day...but one problem was the fans. It was strange. Even though it was a Saturday night game, most of crowd showed up late. Like the fourth inning. And most of them left early. Like the seventh. It was odd. Alex said it happens all the time.
Second, Matt was surprised that for a team with as much history as Dodgers have, very little is on display. There were pictures of the great Dodgers (Fernando, Garvey, Duke, Koufax, Pee Wee) on some of the beams, but nothing like the statues at Comerica Park. Jackie Robinson played for this team and there's hardly a mention of him! Matt has the same complaint about Wrigley Field. Fans would spend hours looking poring over these connections to the legends - even pay separate admission to a museum - but there's not a statistic, not a statue, not a pair of spikes. There wasn't even a cool tribute to the World Championship teams. It seems like a missed opportunity. To be fair, the Tigers are one of the few teams that actually do celebrate their past.
Finally, there was the little things: Dodger Stadium does not sell scorecards. Oh sure, you can buy a program and there's a scorecard in the middle, but it's virtually impossible to write in the book. Yes, Matt does counts that against the park because it seemed to fit in with the game-as-a-secondary-event feel that Dodger Stadium had. Everyone was rooting for LA, but if they lost, hey, we're in California and it's beautiful. The vendor even sold Matt the wrong month's program which wouldn't have been a big deal except the correct month had a big feature on longtime broadcaster Vin Scully, which would have been cool to read.
Finally, Dodger Dogs? Overrated. But Matt ate two of them.
Overall, it was a nice stadium in a lovely setting. Nothing spectacular and none of the bells and whistles of the newer parks. Although the above doesn't seem like a ringing endorsement, going to Dodger Stadium was a treat and Matt would happily go to another game there. He'd even stay for all nine innings.

STADIUM TWO - Petco Park
Heading to Petco Park, home of the Padres, Lynne and Matt had no expectations. Matt's Dad had said it looked nice when he visited in the winter. Otherwise, Matt didn't know much about the park, which opened in 2004. By the time Matt left, he had fallen in love.
The Pads lost to the Florida Marlins 3-2, and the highlights on the field were a moon shot by Hanley Ramirez and a back-to-back homers by Adrian Gonzalez (so good) and Kevin Kouzmanoff.
As for the park: amazing. Fantastic. One of the best.
Where to start?
Let's start in the city of San Diego itself, which is delightful. If you don't know - and Matt didn't - San Diego is a huge Navy town. Giant air craft carriers line the shore and there are salutes to the military everywhere. The back of the park (behind home plate) faces the ocean, which provides a beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean sunset on most days. Stupendous.
In the outfield, there is a just-right Tony Gwynn statue: arms extended, pushing a double towards left center. There is also a miniature stadium where all game long, Padres staff pitches whiffle ball to kids. And if the kiddies get tired of that, they can go play in the giant sandbox in right field, where seats are $10. Great.
Petco Park, as a structure, is impressive. There are no bad views. An old warehouse is built in to left field, with decks to watch the game. It gives the park a very unique feel. There's plenty of Padres history inside the park, even though there really isn't much Padres history to celebrate. Two National league pennants only go so far. But that's supplemented by a history of the grounds the park was built on (what was found during the dig) and a general history of the area. Classy, San Diego.
Finally, the prices. You could buy a nice Padres shirt and hat for $15. Then you could get the five-for-five deal: hot dog, peanuts, popcorn, cookie and a drink for $5. And not some tiny drink or wimpy hot dog - quality food. (They also had something called "All you Can Eat Seats", but Matt never did figure out how true that was.) So, a family of four could get tickets, a hat and shirt, as well as dogs, cookies and drinks for ... are you ready... $120. Cut the souvenirs out and it's $60 for a family of four to eat and see the Padres. Two Sox tickets or one Cubs ticket run you that much. $120 is still a lot of money, but compared to every other park, that's good value.
Of course, you have to watch the Padres. And that was one of the only sad parts of game. Yes, it was a Tuesday. And, yes, the Padres are terrible and the Marlins weren't much better. And, sure, the Tim Stauffer-Rick VandenHurk pitching matchup wasn't super sexy. But there was no one at that game. Announced attendance was 17,184, but thousands of fans were disguised as empty seats. It was sad.
The only other strike against Petco was that they didn't have a Penny Smasher, which is absolutely one of Matt's favorite souvenirs. Clearly, that's not much of a complaint.
So, Petco was one of the best parks Matt's visited, behind only the parks (or maybe teams) with more history to show off. Still, it's a must see if you get the chance.

Here's Matt's updated ratings of the fields he's visited:
First tier: Fenway Park (Boston Red Sox), Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles), Petco Park (San Diego Padres) and PNC Park (Pittsburgh Pirates)
Second tier, and close behind: Busch Stadium (St. Louis Cardinals), Comerica Park (Detroit Tigers), Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs)
Third tier, still close behind: Coors Field (Colorado Rockies), Miller Park (Milwaukee Brewers), Citi Field (Mets) and Dodger Stadium (Los Angeles Dodgers)
Fourth tier and further back: Shea Stadium (New York Mets), U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago White Sox), Yankee Stadium (New York Stinkees)
Fifth and this is a bad stadium: Metrodome (Minnesota Twins).
You can read ESPN Page 2's review of all these stadiums right here, although it's getting a bit dated!

You thought Lynne and Matt were the cutest couple

That's Matt's childhood toy, Humpty Dumpty, and little Lynne's best friend, Baby Cuddles. They're best friends.

Or at least what's left of them are best friends.

Better Know A Baby: The Answers

And now the answer to The Baby quiz!

1. Baby Hanley is likely to be:
A. a Mets fan
B. a White Sox fan
C. a Brewers fan
D. anything but a Cubs fan
Sorry Grandma Hanley, it's not gonna happen.

2. Lynne and Matt get free tickets to a White Sox game. What is likely to happen?
A. They buy a third seat and take Baby Hanley along.
B. Lynne stays home with the baby and allows Matt to take a friend to the game
C. They call in the grandparents for some babysitting service.
D. They stay home and watch the game in HD.
Pass up something free? Matt's not going to let that happen.

3. Jack and Baby Hanley meet for the first time. What is likely to happen?
A. Baby Hanley is lulled to sleep by the smell of Jack’s breath.
B. Baby Hanley pulls on Jack’s tail.
C. Jack licks a whole meal off Baby Hanley’s face.
D. Jack steals one of Baby Hanley’s socks.
Jack does like socks, but Baby will be wearing a onsie. Jack has terrible breath and stump tail, but he does love to lick faces. It's kind of weird.

4. Lynne leaves newborn Baby Hanley at home with Matt for the first time. For what reason is he most likely to call for backup?
A. He doesn’t know how to change the baby’s diaper.
B. He can’t figure out how to snap the baby’s onesie.
C. He doesn’t know where to find the baby’s bottles.
D. He can’t remember his shoe size.
Or how to turn on the stove. Or what size shirt he wears. Or where the checkbook is...he's clueless.

5. Which Peanuts character will newborn Baby Hanley be most like?
A. Snoopy
B. Pigpen
C. Sally
D. Charlie Brown
Bald and big head. That sounds about right.

6. Grandma is watching Baby Hanley. Which of these is most likely to happen?
A. Grandma has to stop Baby Hanley from eating out of Jack’s bowl.
B. Grandpa stops by and falls asleep on the couch.
C. Grandma meets the neighbors in the driveway and talks for hours.
D. Grandma calls Matt and Lynne five times for help.
Since the neighbors speak no English, it has to be B. And it doesn't matter which Grandpa.

7. Which of the following baseball players’ nicknames will NOT apply to Baby Hanley?
A. George Herman Ruth
B. Ted Williams
C. Harold Reese
D. Frank Thomas
"Babe" Ruth, Ted "The Kid" Williams and "Pee Wee" Reese could also share nicknames with The Baby. But not Frank Thomas, "The Big Hurt".

8. It’s 2 a.m. and Baby Hanley starts crying. What is likely to happen?
A. Lynne gets out of bed to rock the baby.
B. Matt gets out of bed to rock the baby.
C. Jack gets out of bed and cries louder than the baby.
D. No one gets out of bed; Matt is still awake.
Lynne wakes up early; Matt stays up late. They may meet in the middle when Baby Hanley arrives.

9. It’s time to change a really poopy diaper. What is likely to happen?
A. Jack tries to steal it.
B. Matt tries to compost it.
C. Lynne runs away --too stinky!
D. Matt and Lynne simply change it; they’ve seen worse from the dog.
There was this one time...uh, never mind.

10. Aunt Leslie and Aunt Laura will be responsible for teaching Baby Hanley to:
A. do the Cha Cha slide
B. root for Western Illinois University
C. swim underwater
D. get under Lynne’s skin
We already know the baby will be an Illini fan, so B is out. But both Leslie and Laura are super swimmers. Unlike Lynne and Matt.

11. It’s Baby Hanley’s first Christmas. What is likely to be his/her favorite gift?
A. a new set of golf clubs from Grandpa Seago
B. a mustache comb from Grandpa Hanley
C. goggles and fins from Aunt Leslie
D. the wrapping paper
Wrapping paper is a cool gift.

12. Matt gets a bonus at work. What are Lynne and Matt likely to spend it on?
A. diapers
B. baseball cards
C. college savings bonds
D. a return trip to Peru
Trick question. Matt will not be getting a bonus at work.

13. It’s the day of Aunt Megan’s wedding: July 17, 2010. What is Baby Hanley likely to do?
A. crawl down the aisle as the Flower Child.
B. cry harder than his/her dad.
C. stay up later than his/her mom.
D. eat the party favor when no one is looking.
Lynne's bedtime is 6:45 p.m. And no one will be crying more than Matt.

14. Matt and Lynne will spend a lot of time reading to Baby Hanley. Which of the following is s/he most likely to enjoy?
A. Roger Ebert’s year in review
B. A Child’s Guide to Medieval History
C. The AP Stylebook
D. Casey at the Bat
The AP Stylebook is good reading, however.

15. On the day Baby Hanley is born, which of the following is likely to be happen?
A. Lynne will cite historical precedents of famous births.
B. Matt will panic and try to name the baby Gargamel.
C. Grandma and Grandpa will be unresponsive to calls and e-mails.
D. The baby will be welcomed by a loving group of family and friends.
Nuf said.

Better Know A Baby

Here's a little game from the baby shower. How well can you do? The record is 14 out of 15.

1. Baby Hanley is likely to be:
A. a Mets fan
B. a White Sox fan
C. a Brewers fan
D. anything but a Cubs fan

2. Lynne and Matt get free tickets to a White Sox game. What is likely to happen?
A. They buy a third seat and take Baby Hanley along.
B. Lynne stays home with the baby and allows Matt to take a friend to the game
C. They call in the grandparents for some babysitting service.
D. They stay home and watch the game in HD.

3. Jack and Baby Hanley meet for the first time. What is likely to happen?
A. Baby Hanley is lulled to sleep by the smell of Jack’s breath.
B. Baby Hanley pulls on Jack’s tail.
C. Jack licks a whole meal off Baby Hanley’s face.
D. Jack steals one of Baby Hanley’s socks.

4. Lynne leaves newborn Baby Hanley at home with Matt for the first time. For what reason is he most likely to call for backup?
A. He doesn’t know how to change the baby’s diaper.
B. He can’t figure out how to snap the baby’s onesie.
C. He doesn’t know where to find the baby’s bottles.
D. He can’t remember his shoe size.

5. Which Peanuts character will newborn Baby Hanley be most like?
A. Snoopy
B. Pigpen
C. Sally
D. Charlie Brown

6. Grandma is watching Baby Hanley. Which of these is most likely to happen?
A. Grandma has to stop Baby Hanley from eating out of Jack’s bowl.
B. Grandpa stops by and falls asleep on the couch.
C. Grandma meets the neighbors in the driveway and talks for hours.
D. Grandma calls Matt and Lynne five times for help.

7. Which of the following baseball players’ nicknames will NOT apply to Baby Hanley?
A. George Herman Ruth
B. Ted Williams
C. Harold Reese
D. Frank Thomas

8. It’s 2 a.m. and Baby Hanley starts crying. What is likely to happen?
A. Lynne gets out of bed to rock the baby.
B. Matt gets out of bed to rock the baby.
C. Jack gets out of bed and cries louder than the baby.
D. No one gets out of bed; Matt is still awake.

9. It’s time to change a really poopy diaper. What is likely to happen?
A. Jack tries to steal it.
B. Matt tries to compost it.
C. Lynne runs away --too stinky!
D. Matt and Lynne simply change it; they’ve seen worse from the dog.

10. Aunt Leslie and Aunt Laura will be responsible for teaching Baby Hanley to:
A. do the Cha Cha slide
B. root for Western Illinois University
C. swim underwater
D. get under Lynne’s skin

11. It’s Baby Hanley’s first Christmas. What is likely to be his/her favorite gift?
A. a new set of golf clubs from Grandpa Seago
B. a mustache comb from Grandpa Hanley
C. goggles and fins from Aunt Leslie
D. the wrapping paper

12. Matt gets a bonus at work. What are Lynne and Matt likely to spend it on?
A. diapers
B. baseball cards
C. college savings bonds
D. a return trip to Peru

13. It’s the day of Aunt Megan’s wedding: July 17, 2010. What is Baby Hanley likely to do?
A. crawl down the aisle as the Flower Child.
B. cry harder than his/her dad.
C. stay up later than his/her mom.
D. eat the party favor when no one is looking.

14. Matt and Lynne will spend a lot of time reading to Baby Hanley. Which of the following is s/he most likely to enjoy?
A. Roger Ebert’s year in review
B. A Child’s Guide to Medieval History
C. The AP Stylebook
D. Casey at the Bat

15. On the day Baby Hanley is born, which of the following is likely to be happen?
A. Lynne will cite historical precedents of famous births.
B. Matt will panic and try to name the baby Gargamel.
C. Grandma and Grandpa will be unresponsive to calls and e-mails.
D. The baby will be welcomed by a loving group of family and friends.