"I'm a pretzel!"
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The best four seconds of a movie, ever, Part II
No, it's not Johnny Depp.Look closer...
And stay tuned for exciting, dramatic and stunning conclusion!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The four-month Mark
Mark Hanley, at four months
The measurements: I weigh 15 pounds, 9 ounces, which is the 70th percentile for a 4 month old and almost double my birth weight. (All that formula goes straight to my hips.) I'm 2-foot-3/4-of-an-inch tall. That's the 50 percentile. And my head size is in the 70th percentile. It's becoming almost normal!
Best friends: I have so many! There's The Star, yellow guy, The Bee, Mr. Hoo Hat and Kung. Then there's the Dancing Snoopies and the Magic Zoo Animals. But, mostly, I just like holding a burp cloth over my face. Classic!
Enemies: The most evil, horrible, terrible, no-good, preposterous, rage-inducing garment ever invented is - without a doubt - the snow suit. It's hot. It's stuffy. It keeps me from moving. There's a zipper that goes up to my neck. I challenge anyone to put one of these on and not let out a blood-curdling scream. Go ahead. Try it. I dare you.
Just found out about: Rolling over. I had heard good reviews but I wasn't too excited. I mean, I just figured out how to lift up my big melon - why would I need to roll over? Well, I was way, way off. Rolling over is hilarious. But I should warn you: rolling over is only cool when you're going right. Rolling to the left? Not even worth the effort. And rolling from back to front? Surely, you must be kidding.
I'm not so sure about: This dad guy. He sings songs to me that don't seem to make much sense. I'm new here, so I could be wrong, but I find it hard to believe someone wrote a song that goes, "head...shoulders...smell your toes, smell your toes."
Favorite activities: Obviously, I enjoy the aforementioned rolling over. But you know what else is cool? Using rolling over to wake myself up in the night. Do you know why that's cool? Guess who comes and visits when I roll over and scream like my head's on fire? Mommy! I'm thinking about trying it every night.
Things I don't like: So, the doctors gave the OK for Mom and Dad to give me some cereal at night. What the heck is this stuff? Are you serious? Dad tried a little last night and even he was horrified. He described it as an initial burst of nothing, followed by incredible morning breath. Yum.
I have a crush on: Mommy! Need I say more? She's only the coolest lady ever.
Major accomplishments: Rolling over, eating off a spoon and pooping out of my diaper.
Also, started learning calculus. And I convinced Jay Leno to take another shot at The Tonight Show.
The measurements: I weigh 15 pounds, 9 ounces, which is the 70th percentile for a 4 month old and almost double my birth weight. (All that formula goes straight to my hips.) I'm 2-foot-3/4-of-an-inch tall. That's the 50 percentile. And my head size is in the 70th percentile. It's becoming almost normal!
Best friends: I have so many! There's The Star, yellow guy, The Bee, Mr. Hoo Hat and Kung. Then there's the Dancing Snoopies and the Magic Zoo Animals. But, mostly, I just like holding a burp cloth over my face. Classic!
Enemies: The most evil, horrible, terrible, no-good, preposterous, rage-inducing garment ever invented is - without a doubt - the snow suit. It's hot. It's stuffy. It keeps me from moving. There's a zipper that goes up to my neck. I challenge anyone to put one of these on and not let out a blood-curdling scream. Go ahead. Try it. I dare you.Just found out about: Rolling over. I had heard good reviews but I wasn't too excited. I mean, I just figured out how to lift up my big melon - why would I need to roll over? Well, I was way, way off. Rolling over is hilarious. But I should warn you: rolling over is only cool when you're going right. Rolling to the left? Not even worth the effort. And rolling from back to front? Surely, you must be kidding.
I'm not so sure about: This dad guy. He sings songs to me that don't seem to make much sense. I'm new here, so I could be wrong, but I find it hard to believe someone wrote a song that goes, "head...shoulders...smell your toes, smell your toes."
Favorite activities: Obviously, I enjoy the aforementioned rolling over. But you know what else is cool? Using rolling over to wake myself up in the night. Do you know why that's cool? Guess who comes and visits when I roll over and scream like my head's on fire? Mommy! I'm thinking about trying it every night.
Things I don't like: So, the doctors gave the OK for Mom and Dad to give me some cereal at night. What the heck is this stuff? Are you serious? Dad tried a little last night and even he was horrified. He described it as an initial burst of nothing, followed by incredible morning breath. Yum.
I have a crush on: Mommy! Need I say more? She's only the coolest lady ever.
Major accomplishments: Rolling over, eating off a spoon and pooping out of my diaper.
Also, started learning calculus. And I convinced Jay Leno to take another shot at The Tonight Show.
Monday, January 18, 2010
121 Days of Mark
We have reached an important marker for the Mark Stewart Hanley administration: 121 days in life.
Reaching 121 days is the perfect time to take measure of Mark's accomplishments. It is no way a random benchmark that we have used as forced assessment indicator.
As everyone knows, after 121 days, you pretty much know all you're going to know about a kid. So, let's take a look at how he's done, while assigning well-researched letter grades to his performance.
Economic policy:
On the plus side, Mark's tenure has proved to be a boon to the small-sock, rattling-toy and diaper industries. Not only has Mark created a new market for these items, but his physical growth has created a constant need that can then be filled by grandparents who think this outfit is so cute and they know he doesn't really need it but it was on sale so they just couldn't pass it up.
However, for the inroads Mark has made in the "cute things" sector, his administration has failed to prove they will be anything but a drain on the economic climate for the near future. While his high consumption level has created demand in the market, he produces nothing. At least nothing that anyone would want to buy. C+
Foreign policy:
This is perhaps Mark's biggest failure during his term. To this point Mark has failed to spell out his opinions on the situations in the Middle East, Yemen, the Midwest, the designated hitter or those tricky Austrailians. Also, he has failed to reach out in any meaningful way to some of our biggest allies, including China and England. Perhaps his biggest folly was his Dec. 21, 2009, address which appeared at first glance to be in Japanese, but turned out to be gibberish and drooling. Needless to say, this did not play well in the international community and led to a record 866 point one-day drop in the Nikkei. D-
Health care:
Health care is one of the most active areas of Mark's first 121 days and one that shows promise. From Day One, Mark disappointed his closest allies when he decided to make an unconventional entrance. He seemingly stumbled when he made a quick return to medical facilities for a tune-up. But, Mark's may have broken his long-term dependence on the health care system. Over the last two months, he has made no further trips to the hospital, stymieing the insurance company's efforts to send a twenty-ninth wave of bills. B+
Energy policy:
Even Mark's staunchest supporters have described Mark's energy policy as "inconsistent." (New York Times, Oct. 14, 'An Inconsistent Truth') Mark's time in power has shown levels of high energy with flailing arms and kicking legs, but has also been fraught with two- and three-hour periods of obvious lack of energy in the afternoon, followed by overnight sessions without any energy whatsoever. Most disappointing is Mark's so-called "green iniative" - a program the scientific community has refused to accept as either composting or recycling. C+
Immigration:
Again, an area of concern for the First Baby. While Mark has refused to answer any questions about the immigration issue, his actions show a lack of control. For instance: he has been willing to allow his formula to cross over to the burp rag. And at the same time, he has shown a willingness to allow leaks in his diaper wall, even during times of crisis for his parents. D
Domestic:
Clearly, this is Mark's biggest accomplishment in his first 121 days. Mark's smiling initiative has increased happiness by 10,000 percent in a relatively short time frame. His consistent use of laughing and being cute has made him a powerful negotiator when it comes time to: eat, take a nap or sing "Wheels On The Bus." Finally, his recruitment of Grandmother Babysitting Service will likely show economic and emotional benefits long term. A +
Reaching 121 days is the perfect time to take measure of Mark's accomplishments. It is no way a random benchmark that we have used as forced assessment indicator.
As everyone knows, after 121 days, you pretty much know all you're going to know about a kid. So, let's take a look at how he's done, while assigning well-researched letter grades to his performance.
Economic policy:On the plus side, Mark's tenure has proved to be a boon to the small-sock, rattling-toy and diaper industries. Not only has Mark created a new market for these items, but his physical growth has created a constant need that can then be filled by grandparents who think this outfit is so cute and they know he doesn't really need it but it was on sale so they just couldn't pass it up.
However, for the inroads Mark has made in the "cute things" sector, his administration has failed to prove they will be anything but a drain on the economic climate for the near future. While his high consumption level has created demand in the market, he produces nothing. At least nothing that anyone would want to buy. C+
Foreign policy:
This is perhaps Mark's biggest failure during his term. To this point Mark has failed to spell out his opinions on the situations in the Middle East, Yemen, the Midwest, the designated hitter or those tricky Austrailians. Also, he has failed to reach out in any meaningful way to some of our biggest allies, including China and England. Perhaps his biggest folly was his Dec. 21, 2009, address which appeared at first glance to be in Japanese, but turned out to be gibberish and drooling. Needless to say, this did not play well in the international community and led to a record 866 point one-day drop in the Nikkei. D-
Health care:
Health care is one of the most active areas of Mark's first 121 days and one that shows promise. From Day One, Mark disappointed his closest allies when he decided to make an unconventional entrance. He seemingly stumbled when he made a quick return to medical facilities for a tune-up. But, Mark's may have broken his long-term dependence on the health care system. Over the last two months, he has made no further trips to the hospital, stymieing the insurance company's efforts to send a twenty-ninth wave of bills. B+
Energy policy:Even Mark's staunchest supporters have described Mark's energy policy as "inconsistent." (New York Times, Oct. 14, 'An Inconsistent Truth') Mark's time in power has shown levels of high energy with flailing arms and kicking legs, but has also been fraught with two- and three-hour periods of obvious lack of energy in the afternoon, followed by overnight sessions without any energy whatsoever. Most disappointing is Mark's so-called "green iniative" - a program the scientific community has refused to accept as either composting or recycling. C+
Immigration:
Again, an area of concern for the First Baby. While Mark has refused to answer any questions about the immigration issue, his actions show a lack of control. For instance: he has been willing to allow his formula to cross over to the burp rag. And at the same time, he has shown a willingness to allow leaks in his diaper wall, even during times of crisis for his parents. D
Domestic:
Clearly, this is Mark's biggest accomplishment in his first 121 days. Mark's smiling initiative has increased happiness by 10,000 percent in a relatively short time frame. His consistent use of laughing and being cute has made him a powerful negotiator when it comes time to: eat, take a nap or sing "Wheels On The Bus." Finally, his recruitment of Grandmother Babysitting Service will likely show economic and emotional benefits long term. A +
Friday, January 15, 2010
Mark of Fridays: Choose your own caption
OK, this week's Mark of Fridays requires reader participation. What is Mark saying/thinking in this picture?
Go to the comments section under this picture and sumbit your best caption!
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