Anatomy of a bad beard

When Matt was a senior in high school there was this guy Dave who had a full-grown beard. Dave was a sophomore.
Matt never shaved once in high school and was frequently mistaken for a 10-year-old.
Since then, it has been Matt's dream to grow a real cool beard or, failing that, a hip mustache.
Recently, Matt made another attempt. Below is an analysis of that effort.

(And that Dave guy? Well, Matt later heard him saying that he would consider using steroids. So, clearly, that beard was not all natural.)

Subject:
Beard, grown for 13 days. Yes, 13 days. (Click on picture for larger view -- if you dare!)

Highlights:
A. This is an example of some the stray hairs identified by analysts. Researchers believe these hairs have ventured away from the chin, and may be heading for the eyebrows or top of head.
B. Thickest area of hair growth is just below the back of ears. Possible problem area in old age.
C. Scientists are baffled frequent and mysterious circles - as seen in example C - where there is no facial hair. The only possible cause is alien abduction.
D. Pimples grow better than the hair.
E. Samples in this area make up the most "impressive" area of socially accepted hair growth. Equivalent of balding hedgehog.
F. Stray neck hairs, which provide minimal amount of warmth, maximum amount of itchiness.

Analysis:
Fail.