Anatomy of a bad beard

When Matt was a senior in high school there was this guy Dave who had a full-grown beard. Dave was a sophomore.
Matt never shaved once in high school and was frequently mistaken for a 10-year-old.
Since then, it has been Matt's dream to grow a real cool beard or, failing that, a hip mustache.
Recently, Matt made another attempt. Below is an analysis of that effort.

(And that Dave guy? Well, Matt later heard him saying that he would consider using steroids. So, clearly, that beard was not all natural.)

Subject:
Beard, grown for 13 days. Yes, 13 days. (Click on picture for larger view -- if you dare!)

Highlights:
A. This is an example of some the stray hairs identified by analysts. Researchers believe these hairs have ventured away from the chin, and may be heading for the eyebrows or top of head.
B. Thickest area of hair growth is just below the back of ears. Possible problem area in old age.
C. Scientists are baffled frequent and mysterious circles - as seen in example C - where there is no facial hair. The only possible cause is alien abduction.
D. Pimples grow better than the hair.
E. Samples in this area make up the most "impressive" area of socially accepted hair growth. Equivalent of balding hedgehog.
F. Stray neck hairs, which provide minimal amount of warmth, maximum amount of itchiness.

Analysis:
Fail.

Honeymoon Adventures VI: Ceiba and science

Day Six of the honeymoon (July 21) was a day of relaxation, beauty, science and a hint of home.

After a few days in the real Amazon, Matt and Lynne shipped off to Ceiba Tops, the only luxury resort in the Amazon and the high end hotel in the Explorama chain. The group had heard rumors of this place on the third day of the trip. Supposedly, it was very swank - $245 a night, in a country where a dollar goes a long, long way.

It was very odd walking in, like being in Florida. There was cement everywhere, a chlorinated pool, a lounge with board games (did you know Scrabble has extra letters in Peru?), and air conditioned rooms. When Matt and Lynne first saw the people who had been staying at Ceiba Tops, there was a bit of resentment. These people didn't know what the Amazon was really like. Look at them! Lounging by the pool! Going down the slide! Holding a parrot! Puh-lease.

And then...Matt and Lynne fell onto the clean beds - no mosquito netting. They swam in the pool and went down the slide. They took hot showers. Ahhhhh. Sweet bliss, as Lynne would say.

As you can see, this development was exciting for Lynne.

But Lynne and Matt didn't waste all their time at Ceiba Tops having sun in the fun. This trip was not only a chance to relax, it was opportunity to learn. So, Lynne and Matt conducted their own scientific experiment at the hotel, working on a rumor that has circulated for years. The results were recorded for poosterity. Click below to become part of science.



Ahem.

After some morning rest, the group headed back out onto the Amazon for what was supposed to be one of the highlights of the trip. Since Lynne and Matt landed in Peru, people had been talking about the amazing pink Dolphins. The group piled into the boat and Raul, the guide, took everyone to a spot in the river where he thought the Pink Dolphins might be hanging out, like a dolphin soda shop or the dolphin dollar theater. Of course, Raul knew right where to go.

Now, this may be a case where Matt was done in by his own expectations. He got it into his head that the dolphins would be leaping into the air (like Free Willy), dancing around and over the boat. Instead, the dolphins surfaced briefly, providing a fleeting glimpse of their back. Matt saw them, but he really couldn't tell they were pink. Check out this video. Does he look pink to you? Allegedly, at best. (None of the dolphins were that close or that still for Lynne and Matt.)

It's not that the animals were disappointing - they're marvelous and fascinating creatures - but the view wasn't all that spectacular.

After the dolphin viewing, the group took a trip to the towns of Mazon and Indiana. That's right, they traveled half way around the world and ended up in Indiana, Peru. (Not to be confused with Peru, Indiana.) It seems a missionary had come this town years ago from the Hoosier state, so they named the town after the mysterious state that produces horrible, horrible football teams.

The group headed into town on moto-rickshaws that were more or less completely terrifying. It was raining and these moto-rickshaws (it's a motorcycle carrying a rickshaw - very literal) had not been repaired in a while. Matt and Lynne actually ended up crashing into the moto-rickshaw in front of them, but all was well. Ha-ha, nothing to fear. Surely, the driver had everything under control.

After the ride, the group wandered through a local market. Kids followed Matt and he took their picture, then showed it to them on the digital camera, which they thought was hilarious. Then again, they may have been laughing at the mustache Matt was "growing."

The market gave a quick perspective on world economies. Bananas were three bunches for a dollar and men sat in booths stacked ceiling to floor with goods ranging from dish soap to toothbrushes. There were electronics stores, but they sold TVs from 20 years ago and computers that American inner city grade schools would have abandoned. Kids worked in other booths, or just spent the day with their parents.

But everyone was friendly and courteous to the Americans stomping through their city.

After the tour of Indiana, everyone headed back to Ceiba Tops, where they saw the lodge's namesake, the majestic Ceiba tree. The tree can grow over 200 feet tall with a trunk that is almost perfectly straight for 90 percent of the height, then fans out over the other trees in the jungle. Of course, the height and enormous trunk make it very valuable to loggers. The tree on the Ceiba Tops lodge property was basically rescued and protected - the trees are disappearing fast because preservation efforts can't keep up.

It's difficult to describe how massive the tree is. It was difficult to comprehend its enormousness even when you were standing right in front of it. Matt couldn't fit the entire tree in a picture, but to give you some scale check out the horizontal picture on the right. (You may have to click on it to enlarge.) Inside the red circle near the bottom? That's our Mrs. Lynne. It's a big tree, all right?

The day ended with a nice dinner in the lodge with Peter Jensen, the man who founded the Explorama lodges 40 years ago with $5,000 capital. Although he's retired, he was still there, serving up potatoes and filling up watermelon trays. Lynne and Matt found the Explorama experience to be all around top-notch. Good service, good variety and a great appreciation for the natural beauty of the Amazon.

Day Six Summary: One bout of skepticism followed by falling in love with air conditioning; one inconclusive scientific experiment; several brief glimpses of supposedly pink dolphins; one giant tree; one moto-rickshaw accident, non-fatal.

Mustache: Fuzzy. The little guy was really coming in now, starting to make his presence known. Even other members of the American tour group were commenting on how "stupid" and "strange" it looked. And none of them were prompted by Lynne in anyway.

Weird foods eaten: Fish soup is sort of weird, but delicious. That was breakfast.

Coming next: The best place Matt has ever been to, ever.