The Things Pregnancy Taught Me

So we're rounding the corner on Month 9. We've entered the 9th inning. We're measuring the distance to D-Day in mere weeks. And since Lynne is nearly done--finally--she thought she'd impart on you, our loyal readers, some lessons she has learned from being storked.

Lesson 1: The People Who Design Maternity Clothes Have Clearly Never Been Pregnant.
Before Baby Hanley was even a twinkle in her eye, Lynne had some gripes with women's clothes manufacturers, like the people who designed the miniskirt (looks good on no one over 15), nylons (start tearing before you even get them on), and high heels (generally painful). But maternity clothes are in a category all their own, particularly maternity pants.

As a pregnant lady, you have a choice between two pant styles:

a. The over-the-belly variety, which have a huge stretchy panel built in above the hips. You're supposed to pull the stretchy part up practically to your armpits, allowing your larger-than-life belly to hold up the weight of the pants. There are several problems with this. First, the belly is already quite heavy already, since it is full of Baby. Second, the body temperature of a pregnant woman is generally 400 degrees hotter than a normal person, since she's carrying a little built-in furnace right out in front. The over-the-belly pant adds an extra, skin-tight layer of clothing onto someone who's already boiling up.

b. The under-the-belly variety. This type of pant is held up by an extra-thick band of elastic that fits right across the hips, under the baby. While cooler than the over-the-belly pants, wearing this style means you must have hips expansive enough to keep the pants from falling down. Apparently, Lynne doesn't: when she wears this style, she practically has to keep one hand in her pocket at all times or risk getting caught in her skivvies. Another negative: the elastic band sits right above the bladder, which a pregnant lady already has to empty every 15 minutes. It's basically a no-win situation, unless your mom has some maternity muu-muus leftover from the '70s.

Lesson 2: Everything is More Difficult When You're Pregnant.

Before Lynne was pregnant, she considered a lot of things to be difficult: running a marathon, doing quantum physics and trigonometry, bench-pressing 300 pounds, negotiating peace in the Middle East, assembling furniture purchased at IKEA.

Now that she's pregnant, that list has changed entirely. Daunting tasks include: climbing stairs, going from laying down to standing up, bending over to pick something up off the floor, putting on her own pants, staying awake for 10 straight hours.

Lesson 3: A Big Belly = A Stranger's Open License to Talk to You

Lynne has always been a little bit shy, a little reluctant to approach strangers or to open a conversation with someone she doesn't know. She's never really liked to attract attention. But, since she's been pregnant, people have come out of the woodwork to talk to her. Neighbors come out of their houses as she's walking the dog to ask her when she's due. People at checkout counters ask her the gender of the baby. While riding down the escalator at Macy's last month, the lady behind the perfume counter called out to her - from over 10 feet away - and asked how she was feeling, as if the two had been friends for years.

This is all very nice and well-intentioned, Lynne realizes, but usually these well-wishers end up talking to her for at least 10 minutes. Their original inquiries into her health or the baby's due date lead to long stories about the birth of their own children, the pregnancy of someone they know who's due around the same time, stories about someone from their family who might end up sharing the baby's birthday, or - Matt's favorite - a crazy story they once heard about someone who failed to make it to the hospital in time and had to deliver the baby in the car.

Lesson 4: Most People are Certain They Can Predict a Baby's Gender Without the Use of an Ultrasound Machine.

Lynne and Matt do not know the gender of Baby Hanley. Matt doesn't even try to guess. And although Lynne has heard that "mother's intuition" can help her to determine the baby's sex, she hasn't got a clue. In fact, the only person who does know the baby's gender is the Ultrasound Technician, who Matt and Lynne haven't seen for months and who didn't write down her findings anyway. Regardless of all these facts, most of the other people in Matt and Lynne's life - including the strangers who approach them on the street and in the mall - have conclusively determined the baby's gender. Most of these people are certain, beyond a doubt, that they are correct.



Some strategies people have used to determine Baby Hanley's gender:
- ESP
- Lifting Lynne's shirt and feeling her sides (Lynne's mom's method of choice)
- Sizing Lynne up from the back
- Dream analysis
- Determining the gender of Lynne and Matt's siblings
- Having Lynne stick out her tongue
- Analyzing the shape and position of Lynne's belly
- Asking which set of grandparents will live closer to the baby (a girl in Lynne's class tried this)

The funny part is that, despite such sophisticated methods, results are still mixed: about half of these experts say Baby is a boy. The rest say girl.

Lesson 5 (and perhaps the most important lesson of all): Pregnancy Changes Everything.

Lynne and Matt have always heard that being a parent changes everything. Lynne thinks, however, that pregnancy has made drastic changes in her--even if some of them will (hopefully) change again after Baby is born. Lynne had always assumed that her personality was pretty established after 30 years: as a pregant lady she'd be practically the same person, only larger. Wrong-o, Bongo.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne wore a size 8 shoe. Now, she can barely squeeze her Polar Bear Feet into a size 9 wide. And only if it's a flip-flop.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne had a heart of steel. She didn't cry when she got engaged, or married. Not even Steel Magnolias could crack her composure. As a pregnant lady, she's a mess. Commercials make her cry. She falls apart when country music plays, especially if it's a sappy one about a dad and his kid.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne would pass up candy, sweets, and cake in favor of veggies. In fact, she's been known to pass up the fries at Chili's in favor or two sides of broccoli. As a pregnant lady, Lynne + broccoli + digestion + open flame could wipe the whole neighborhood off the map, and there must be chocolate morsels in the fridge at all times. Matt nearly lost his head the day he took to work the Secret Snickers that she'd hidden behind the eggs.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne could sleep like a log through anything: crashes of thunder, the dog barking, a marching band practicing 3 inches from her nose. Now she wakes up at least 3 times during the night, every night. And she snores.

Before she was pregnant, Lynne could remember details. She had a super-computer in her head that could keep track of her own and Matt's monthly calendar, people's birthdays, the first and middle names of all of Matt's friends' new babies. Since she's been pregnant, she's got nothing. So far, Lynne and Matt have paid for - and forgotten about - tickets to tour Wrigley Field and a breastfeeding class at the hospital. Oops.

The good news is that Matt says pregnant Lynne finds him even funnier than she did before she was pregnant.

She can only imagine how funny he - and life - will be after she's done being pregnant. Of course, at that point she'll have even more to learn.