Quotation Mark Mondays: Great jokes

Matt tried to tell Mark a joke: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine!

Mark replied, "Really? Why would seven eat nine? Did that really happen?"
This led to a lengthy discussion about the mechanics of this particular joke, which managed to take the humor out of the whole gag.

Undeterred- and, in fact, inspired - Mark decided to write his own jokes:

Q: Which kind of trees get the sickest?

A: Ash trees, because they get emerald ash borer disease.

Q: Why are there restaurants?

A: Because people need stuff to eat.

Q: What did the dog do when he saw a lion?

A: He ran away.

This is the dog. This is the dog on bath.

So, did Matt ever mention that this dog, this thing that lives in the house, is completely, utterly, totally insane? Matt has never had a dog before so there is really little room for comparison here. But Lynne, as an experienced dog owner, has confirmed that Jack is weird.
(At left - Jack, dry; at right - Jack, wet.) .








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Ah, but you still doubt.
You're hesitatant to take the word of others. You want to come to your own conclusion.
That's why we cooked up some proof.
See, what happened was...Jack got a bath.

Jack does not mind the bath.
Jack is good in the bath. Very peaceful.
But after the bath...
Well, you see, Jack hates being wet.
Jack would do almost anything not to have that water in his ears. N-E-Thing. Dance. Scoot. Flop.
Jack does not like being wet.
And so he does this:

Draw your own conclusions.

There's a barking Amish rat in the house

So, Jack got his summer hair cut. Apparently, naked Jack (be glad this is not a butt angle) looks like a white-and-black rat with a giant alien head.
Now on his walks, people stop Lynne and offer to help pay for the medication Jack needs.

On the left is hairy Jack, who was always sweating and tongue hanging out. On the right is Buzz NoHair, the Mutant.

Matt still hates that dog. Even when he feels sorry for him.

Who let this dog in? Who? Who? Who?

It's well past time to introduce everyone to the other member of Lynne and Matt's relationship.

As mentioned earlier, one day at work Matt got two calls and a text message in less than an hour. It was Lynne. She was on her way back from a weekend in Indiana with her parents.

"Uhhh, newsroom, this is Matt."

"Guess what I got?"

Matt's mind raced with the possibilities. A rash? A haircut? A sunburn? A non-tendered offer from the Indianapolis Colts? And Matt remembers very specifically thinking: "Oh no, what if she got a new piece of furniture. That will be really annoying. I really don't want to deal with helping her move that. It's probably huge."

"I got a puppy. I bought him from some Amish people on the side of the road."

Hmm. A puppy. Much worse than an ottoman. An Amish dog. Hmmm.

You see, Matt's family never had a dog growing up. The closest they got was a turtle, who Matt never even named before he died.

It's not that Matt hates animals or pets. He just doesn't want to be around them. A turtle is good because you can ignore it for hours and that's how they prefer it. (For the same reason, a cactus is even better.)

A dog? That was the worst. A dog is like having a kid that never gets smart, never learns to use a toilet, never goes off to college, never writes a tell-all book about how great his parents are.

Back at the phone call, Lynne continued.

"What do you think we should name him?"

"Uh, how about Snoopy?" (Best dog ever, according to Matt.)

Ah, but that was a trick. Lynne was hoping Matt would pick the name already bestowed upon The Amish Dog. The puppy was already named Jack, because he has a black patch over his eye like Captain Jack Sparrow.

Matt did not guess Jack.

Matt was having doubts about this dog.

Now, to be fair - and before Lynne re-edits this post - Lynne and Matt had discussed the possibility of getting a dog before she showed up with Amish Pup. Lynne's family always had dogs around. Alex, Cole, Charlie - they were like bonus Seago family members. So, Lynne really, really wanted her own dog.

And while Matt went along and said, "Of course you can get a dog if you really, really want it," for the most part he considered that conversation hypothetical. Like time travel.
But, as they say, the future was now.

So Jack, the Amish Dog, came home. As you can see below, he's a cutie. Don't be fooled.

Immediately, Jack began to bark at, and bite on, Matt. As soon as Matt'd walk in the door, Jack would make an Amish beeline for Matt's leg. With everyone else it was: "Hey, look at me, I'm the happiest dog! Aren't I great? Let's play and be best friends forever!"

But there was no love for Matt.

(Matt's cousin, Jake, had a simply theory: "He knows you've got his woman.")

No matter what Matt brought - toys, treats, food - Jack would bite him right on the shin. Matt was really starting to hate that dog.

Don't fret, Lynne said, it's a phase. Besides, Matt was imagining it worse than it really was. All Amish dogs go through it, Lynne assured him. Ha.

Whatever Jack's motivation, Matt pointed out that if he behaved the same way - peeing on the floor, eating a Wade Boggs card, barking for hours at nothing - he would be kicked out of the house. Or at least left in the backyard for a while.

No matter. The dog was staying.

So, Matt tried to befriend his new buddy. Matt taught Jack to fetch. Jack taught Matt to stand on his back legs. Matt - like an idiot - even talked to the dog. And bought him a Christmas present.

But Jack went on with his leg-biting, barking-during-movies, Matt-attacking Amish Dog lifestyle.

In fact, one of Jack's signature moves became climbing on top of Matt's head while he watched TV - his front legs touching Matt's right ear, the back legs touching his left. An Amish Jack hat.

Matt hated that dog.

Oh sure, you're saying: how could you hate a dog that's so cute? What's wrong with you, Matt? Don't you have a heart?

Well, Matt has a very good reason, sort of. Consider this picture of Lynne's backyard after a recent snow:

That's right. Matt had to shovel a patch of snow so Jack can pee. Shoveling grass!

How can Matt retain his Man Card when he's out shoveling patches of grass for a fluffy white dog?

OK. So, Jack's cute. And he makes Lynne happy. And he's pretty funny sometimes. And all the Amish furniture Jack built is pretty nice, especially the chest of drawers.

But Matt still hates that dog. Almost.