Lamaze Class Two: Men are decorative only

According to the book Husband-Coached Childbirth, in 1965 a father was arrested fined for having "gained unauthorized admission to a hospital's delivery room in an attempt to witness the birth of his second child."
This little story illustrates the two lessons that Matt has taken from Lamaze class, through two weeks:

One - Matt, and men in general, are utterly pointless to the process of a baby being born.
Two - For men, Lamaze class is merely a hall of horrors, a treasury of possible screw ups by the father, who is as useful as a spare tire - good in a pinch, but mostly just taking up valuable space.



Tuesday was Lamaze class number two for Lynne and Matt. The lessons were about the stages of labor, which include: Waiting for baby, Here comes baby! and That's pretty gross. Lynne learned methods for staying comfortable during pre-labor and when she needs to go to the hospital. Meanwhile, Matt added to his growing list of Things To Panic About.
A lot of class was devoted to pre-labor, otherwise known as Waiting for baby. Matt learned how to help Lynne relax and different methods she can use to stay comfortable when she's 39.98 weeks pregnant. Many of these methods, not surprisingly, do not involve Matt at all.
In fact, most of the illustrations showed a woman squatting or reclining in a strange configuration designed to let gravity do its work. The men were drawn in the background, checking their email, eating a granola bar or catching up on their reading. Because, the truth is: Men are utterly irrelevant to this process.
Does Lynne want Matt there when Baby is born? Without a doubt. Will it be easier for Lynne (and therefor better for Baby) if Matt is there when Baby is born? Certainly. Does Matt want to be there when Baby is born? Definitely.
But, the fact is that if on The Big Day II, Matt were called to Beirut unexpectedly, or if his superhero alter ego were needed to reverse the Earth's rotation, or if he simply overslept, the Baby would be still be born. No problem.
It wasn't that long ago that men stayed out in the waiting room; showed up when it was all over; counted the arms and legs; gave the Mrs. a thumbs up on her good work; then had a big cigar. This was effective because of a second truth: while having Dad present halves the chance of Mom panicking, it doubles the chances of him doing something stupid.
Consider that when Lynne was being born - literally being born - her dad passed out. The nurses went from catching baby to catching Daddy. On the second kid, he threw up. So, when No. 3 came around, Lynne's mom told the scene stealer to wait outside. And guess what? Laura was born just fine.

But this father futility only further stresses the importance of the very minimal task that Matt will have to perform on Big Day II, which consists wholly of having Baby not born in an elevator, not born aboard a city bus and not born in the middle of a high school history class.
This brings us to Lesson Two from Lamaze Class: the Hall of Horrors. Everyone in the class is allowed to ask questions, just as they should be. But most questions start with, "Well, this happened to my friend..." And, without question, that sentence ends with Matt's new nightmare.
...My friend's wife's third grade teacher went into labor and had the baby in one hour. That can happen?!?
... My best friend's sister's boss went to the hospital because the contractions were five minutes apart. The hospital sent them home and but they almost had to deliver on the side of the road because she went right into labor as soon as they were halfway home. That can happen?!?
... My dog sitter's junior bridesmaid's freshman year roommate had to have a first-week intern deliver the baby even though he spoke almost no English because the doctor stepped out of the room during the critical moments. That can happen?!?

You see, the thing is, men just have that one simple little job. Drive accurately and safely to the hospital. Put mom in the building where Baby is supposed to be born in time for a medical professional to catch him or her. That's it. It would almost be better if Dad had a string of 1,000 jobs and so one little screw up would hardly be noticed. But with just one job...well, the odds are Matt will drive Lynne to the right city in the wrong state. Or leave without Lynne. Or...

But let's keep this in perspective. It has to be horribly intimidating for the women to see these birthing videos and to hear stories about difficult labors that last weeks and months. (Some of these mothers apparently didn't give birth until right before Junior was walking up to get his college diploma.)
And millions of Dad's make it through without major calamity. Matt's glad Lynne won't have to go it alone. He'll be right there, praying he doesn't throw up or get arrested.
After all, the real work is done by the women. The men's stress is all in their head. They are warm, reassuring and familiar - meaning they can be replaced by a can of soup if they pass out.