Who let this dog in? Who? Who? Who?

It's well past time to introduce everyone to the other member of Lynne and Matt's relationship.

As mentioned earlier, one day at work Matt got two calls and a text message in less than an hour. It was Lynne. She was on her way back from a weekend in Indiana with her parents.

"Uhhh, newsroom, this is Matt."

"Guess what I got?"

Matt's mind raced with the possibilities. A rash? A haircut? A sunburn? A non-tendered offer from the Indianapolis Colts? And Matt remembers very specifically thinking: "Oh no, what if she got a new piece of furniture. That will be really annoying. I really don't want to deal with helping her move that. It's probably huge."

"I got a puppy. I bought him from some Amish people on the side of the road."

Hmm. A puppy. Much worse than an ottoman. An Amish dog. Hmmm.

You see, Matt's family never had a dog growing up. The closest they got was a turtle, who Matt never even named before he died.

It's not that Matt hates animals or pets. He just doesn't want to be around them. A turtle is good because you can ignore it for hours and that's how they prefer it. (For the same reason, a cactus is even better.)

A dog? That was the worst. A dog is like having a kid that never gets smart, never learns to use a toilet, never goes off to college, never writes a tell-all book about how great his parents are.

Back at the phone call, Lynne continued.

"What do you think we should name him?"

"Uh, how about Snoopy?" (Best dog ever, according to Matt.)

Ah, but that was a trick. Lynne was hoping Matt would pick the name already bestowed upon The Amish Dog. The puppy was already named Jack, because he has a black patch over his eye like Captain Jack Sparrow.

Matt did not guess Jack.

Matt was having doubts about this dog.

Now, to be fair - and before Lynne re-edits this post - Lynne and Matt had discussed the possibility of getting a dog before she showed up with Amish Pup. Lynne's family always had dogs around. Alex, Cole, Charlie - they were like bonus Seago family members. So, Lynne really, really wanted her own dog.

And while Matt went along and said, "Of course you can get a dog if you really, really want it," for the most part he considered that conversation hypothetical. Like time travel.
But, as they say, the future was now.

So Jack, the Amish Dog, came home. As you can see below, he's a cutie. Don't be fooled.

Immediately, Jack began to bark at, and bite on, Matt. As soon as Matt'd walk in the door, Jack would make an Amish beeline for Matt's leg. With everyone else it was: "Hey, look at me, I'm the happiest dog! Aren't I great? Let's play and be best friends forever!"

But there was no love for Matt.

(Matt's cousin, Jake, had a simply theory: "He knows you've got his woman.")

No matter what Matt brought - toys, treats, food - Jack would bite him right on the shin. Matt was really starting to hate that dog.

Don't fret, Lynne said, it's a phase. Besides, Matt was imagining it worse than it really was. All Amish dogs go through it, Lynne assured him. Ha.

Whatever Jack's motivation, Matt pointed out that if he behaved the same way - peeing on the floor, eating a Wade Boggs card, barking for hours at nothing - he would be kicked out of the house. Or at least left in the backyard for a while.

No matter. The dog was staying.

So, Matt tried to befriend his new buddy. Matt taught Jack to fetch. Jack taught Matt to stand on his back legs. Matt - like an idiot - even talked to the dog. And bought him a Christmas present.

But Jack went on with his leg-biting, barking-during-movies, Matt-attacking Amish Dog lifestyle.

In fact, one of Jack's signature moves became climbing on top of Matt's head while he watched TV - his front legs touching Matt's right ear, the back legs touching his left. An Amish Jack hat.

Matt hated that dog.

Oh sure, you're saying: how could you hate a dog that's so cute? What's wrong with you, Matt? Don't you have a heart?

Well, Matt has a very good reason, sort of. Consider this picture of Lynne's backyard after a recent snow:

That's right. Matt had to shovel a patch of snow so Jack can pee. Shoveling grass!

How can Matt retain his Man Card when he's out shoveling patches of grass for a fluffy white dog?

OK. So, Jack's cute. And he makes Lynne happy. And he's pretty funny sometimes. And all the Amish furniture Jack built is pretty nice, especially the chest of drawers.

But Matt still hates that dog. Almost.

The Wedding Party: Meet the Bridesmaids

Lynne gets very few opportunities to post on this blog. It's not that Matt is greedy with the posts or that he forbids her from adding her own commentary on this site. It is, quite frankly, that she'd rather read his writing than create entries of her own. Or that he is posting about totally crazy stuff that she'd never think to write about... on the American Internet or anywhere else.

But, she does have a few very important posting responsibilities. The first has already been taken care of: introducing the groom (which is probably still here somewhere for you to read if you missed it). The second (drum roll please!) is to introduce "her side" wedding party--which basically means all of the girls. So, without further adieu, here they are....

Leslie Seago

Role in the wedding: Bridesmaid
Relationship to the bride: Little sister
Known since: March 13, 1982

As a kid... Leslie was Lynne's best friend and her partner in crime. In fact, from the second Leslie was brought home from the hospital, Lynne called her "My Baby" and cared for her as such, going so far as to tell family members and neighbors alike how My Baby liked to be held, what foods she liked to eat, etc. As Leslie grew up, Lynne taught her all sorts of tricks, like climbing on top of the refrigerator to steal cookies from the cookie jar, and even helping her with legitimate things like homework and essay writing. Of course, as Leslie grew up, she needed less and less help from her big sister. She even started to do amazing things on her own, like serving as the captain of her high school swim team, swimming butterfly and freestyle--sometimes for a mile at a time!--first for Lincoln College and then for Western Illinois University, and graduating from WIU with her teaching certificate and her degree and Physical Education. Lynne may not have helped with many of those things, but she was very proud when her little sister accomplished them.

Today... Leslie is a P.E. teacher at Lakewood Falls Elementary School in Plainfield, Illinois. Aside from the early mornings, when she serves as a crossing guard outside the school (basically holding a stop sign in the middle of a busy road and hoping the cars actually stop), she plays games with kids all day. A great job, Lynne thinks. Plus, Leslie always has hilarious stories to tell at the end of the day. Leslie also swims on the Masters Swim Team, which is designed for adults of all ages who want to continue competitive swimming after their college careers are over. As a Masters Swimmer, Leslie practices at 5:30 AM each morning (YIKES!) and swims in several meets each season. She also coaches children's swim teams, both in the summer and a few nights a week during the school year.

Fun facts about Leslie:
1. Her favorite color is pink. In fact, she wears so much of it that the elementary school kids get
confused and can't recognize her when she comes to school clad in another color.
2. She likes to add -ie to the ends of most words. For example: "Once I finish my snackie and
my drinkie, I'm going to go upstairs and take a tubbie."

3. When she laughs really hard, no sound comes out.

What she brings to the wedding party: Leslie's main assets are that she is very helpful, and she's game for anything. She's the kind of person who's happy to ride along in the car with you when you're running an errand, just "so you have a buddy" and you don't get bored. This will come in handy because planning a wedding involves many, many boring errands and lots of occasions on which having a buddy will come in handy--like when you're stuffing envelopes, stapling programs, or putting together party favors. Lynne is counting on Leslie's help for all of those tasks, which Lynne knows will make doing them a lot more fun. Of course, it goes without saying that Leslie is fun. Lynne is looking forward to getting to do wedding-ie things together and to having Leslie right by her side on the Wedding Day.

Laura Seago

Role in the wedding: Bridesmaid
Relationship to the bride: Little sister
Known since: December 19, 1985

As a kid... To be honest, Lynne didn't like Laura much as a little kid. Laura broke all of her toys and tried to butt in when she had friends over. Plus, Laura bit. Hard. However, as both Lynne and Laura grew up, they developed some common interests and became good friends. They both like sports, especially baseball--go White Sox! They both like theater, and Laura accompanied Lynne to many plays, including several works by Shakespeare, while she was still in Junior High and High School. Like Lynne, Laura also likes to travel. When Lynne went to study in Cambridge, England, in the summer of 2000, Laura flew across the pond with her, and they spent a week touring Britain and France together. Of course, there were many notable moments on that trip, including "biking an inch" on the map of France--after renting the bicycles and getting directions entirely in French--and getting so sore in the process that they couldn't even squeeze their butt cheeks together. Through this and many other experiences, Lynne learned that her little sister--far from being that annoying, toy-breaking kid--is a very fun, very easy going person who knows no strangers and can make just about any situation funny.

Today... Laura is completing her fourth year at Western Illinois University, studying Hotel and Restaurant Management. This is really a great career choice for Laura, since her greatest asset is her personality. Laura is easily comfortable with everyone, and she can make anyone feel comfortable and included. She easily and readily talks to strangers, then quickly assesses and sums up their personalities. She is also fun and fun-loving, and she has a talent for turning even boring, routine activities into a rip-roaring good time. She aspires to be an event planner at a hotel or on a cruise ship, which would be a great use of her talent for working with people. For now, Laura is enjoying college life at Westie (as she and Leslie call it), where she is an enthusiastic member of Sigmas Sigma Sigma sorority (so enthusiastic, in fact, that Lynne and Leslie like to count the Pieces of Sigma that she's wearing at any one time), a bartender at a local bar, and a resident of the Best Party House on Campus.

Fun Facts about Laura:
1. Since the Seago family is from West Virginia, they pronounce Laura's name "Lah-ra," like it has no "u." Since high school, however, Laura has adopted the more common Illinois pronunciation, "Lor-uh," which she uses among her friends.
2. Laura is a hilarious person to play the game Cranium with. She's always coming up with crazy answers. For example, if you act out a burglary, she'll guess "Sneaky Stealer!" And the little wiener dogs? Not daschunds. DUTCH-HOUNDS!
3. Laura has the stinkiest feet in recorded human history. Seriously.

What she brings to the wedding party: Laura's main assets are her vivacious personality and her total fearlessness. Since she makes everything fun, Laura is sure to up the fun quotient on the Wedding Day. She's also likely to say or do something that will be both hilarious and memorable. Besides, she is quite comfortable in front of others, and she has willingly embraced the challenge of giving the Wedding Toast at the reception. So you can look forward to that.

Megan Hanley

Role in the wedding: Bridesmaid
Relationship to the bride: Future sister-in-law
Known since: July, 2004

As a kid... As you may have figured out already, Lynne didn't know Megan as a kid. But through Matt, she does know a thing or two. Megan was a super-cute little girl who liked to pose by the door before her first day of school each year. She was involved in Girl Scouts and dance. She liked to listen to Snoopy's Christmas on tape. She once participated in a Mock-Icecapades in her living room, but cried when the "judges" gave her the silver medal rather than the gold. She broke her femur while in college at Indiana University. She was also incredibly tolerant, because she put up with a brother who liked to listen to songs about baseball and sing them incessantly.

Today... Megan teaches Reading and Language Arts at Central Junior High in Zion, Illinois. Megan is always thinking of interesting ways to teach the kids--especially with the spelling words. Megan also leads the Craft Club. She lives in Kenosha, Wisconsin, and she now has a Wisconsin license plate as well as a Wisconsin telephone number. For some reason, Megan seems ashamed of this "evidence" that she does, in fact, live in Wisconsin.

As Matt often says, Megan and Lynne are "giggle buddies." It seems that whenever they are together--at U of I Ultimate Football Weekends, family get-togethers, or Game Nights with Lynne's sisters, Lynne and Megan are cracking up about something (although it's usually Matt). Lynne really does have a lot of fun with Megan. So much so that, as she tells Matt, she'd want to be friends with Megan even if she and Matt had never even met.

Fun facts about Megan:
1. A few years ago, Megan was on Oprah's "My Favorite Things" show--the episode was geared specifically toward teachers. On Oprah, Megan won a flat-screen TV, a washer and dryer, an MP3 Player, a GPS System, and a trip to a spa in Arizona. Megan gave away much of her winnings to members of her family.
2. Megan often gets bored while eating. If she gets a 6-inch sub sandwich, for example, she is often bored with the flavor of the sandwich before she has eaten half of it. Likewise, Megan gets bored with reading menus or determining what foods she should eat. For this reason, she is prone to ordering a #1 at any restaurant with a Super Value Menu.
3. Megan's favorite expression is: "AAAWWWWW Schnapp!" No one knows why.

What she brings to the wedding party: Lynne is also looking forward to having Megan with her on the Wedding Day. Of course, it is very important to Matt to have his little sister be a part of his wedding day. He is very proud of Megan, and Lynne and Matt are both very proud to have her standing up with them. Second, Megan provides the Hanley Connection--very important for communicating with Matt's parents and other family members. And last but not least, she is fun to giggle with. There's sure to be plenty to giggle about when both of these families (not to mention all of the crazy friends!) get together in one place. And if not, Lynne and Megan can always fall back on what they're most familiar with--laughing at Matt. Even Leslie and Laura could probably chime in with that.

Six month warning!

Well, it's officially six months until The Big Day.

Matt bought Lynne flowers for the sixth-month pre-anniversary, but no one took a picture of them. So, here's this instead:

Do you have a room reservation yet?

It's been a crazy, hectic and fun six months but Matt and Lynne are still as excited as The Day She Said Yes . Heck, they're still as excited as the day they met.

Which reminds us: How come that story hasn't been posted yet?

The Honeymooners

This so-called wedding blog has becoming amazingly sparse on wedding details lately. Why is that?

Well, for one, there really isn't much wedding related stuff going on lately. But there was lots of Christmas, New Year and Rose Bowl events happening.

However, you can expect there is a whole bunch of wedding updates soon. There's been some small details taking place behind the scenes (rather than in front of the scenes) and they've sort of accumulated into updateable material. Hey, so, why not start the wedding updates right now?

Lynne and Matt have booked The Honeymoon. So, where are they going?
Paris?
Cancun?
Hawaii?

How about...Peru? No, not that Peru. This one, in South America.

It's been Lynne's dream since... well, since Matt met her. She's always talked about going to Peru and visiting the Amazon rain forest and Machu Picchu. Lynne booked the trip through Overland Adventures and it will be spectacular. History, native cultures, hiking, breathtaking views. Not for everyone, probably, but a very Lynne and Matt Honeymoon.

While Lynne has been dreaming of Peru for years, Matt, on the other hand, knows nothing. He does now it's very fun to say Machu Picchu. (Give it a try. Ma-chew, pee-chew. Ma Chew Pee Chew!) But Peru could be in an entirely different country for all he knows. Really,they could speak a different language there.

It is? They do? Well, crud. This could be problematic. Matt knows about four Spanish words: 1) Adios 2) Hola. 3) Abagado. 4) Segura. The first two are 'goodbye' and 'hello' but Matt is not positive what the last two mean. Some legal terms, he thinks. But they're relatively close to actual Spanish words, and Matt knows them. So that counts.

Matt should know more Spanish. His best friend in high school, Alex, spoke Spanish and even taught Matt how to say 'crazy in the head'. But Matt made a joke of it and pronounced it 'cola cabasa' to drive Alex crazy. So now, 10 years later, because of Matt's smart aleck attitude, he will not know how to tell The Honeymoon tour guide that repeating Ma-Chew Pee-Chew 500 times has made Matt crazy in the head.

At right, advanced stages of cola cabasa.

You see, Matt took French in high school. What a huge mistake. Matt's mom - a very wise lady - suggested Spanish. But Matt resisted. At the time, he had plans to travel extensively in Quebec. While in Quebec, Matt wanted to order un vache (a cow) avec les lunettes (with sunglasses). Sadly, Matt has never made it to Quebec or ordered the sunglassed cow.

Anyhow, for Christmas, Matt's mom - a very wise lady - got him a Spanish phrase-of-the-day calendar (today's phrase: Muchas cosas se encuentran en San Diego. "Many things can be found in San Diego." Says who?) and Spanish language CDS.

Lynne and Matt will be leaving for The Honeymoon shortly after the wedding. That gives Matt about seven months to learn at least enough Spanish to be able find a bathroom, order a soda and check in at a hotel.

Seven months - cola cabasa, right?

Looking inside the Fridge

It's pretty safe to say that Matt has a very interesting, but very odd, profession. For instance, last Monday, Matt interviewed a man who says he was in World War I. If it checks out, this guy would be one of less than 10 WWI veterans left in the entire world (he's 103) and possibly one of two or three who saw actually combat.
Pretty big story, right?
That's nothing. Last Tuesday, Matt walked in to work and checked the fax machine.

"A Geneva dentist is restoring William 'Fridge' Perry's smile today. After 20 years of not seeing a dentist...The Fridge will be able once again to eat anything he wants and bite into apples with his front teeth. As he said 'I have waited for 20 years to fix my smile. ...Christmas will be extra special this year.'"

For those of you who don't know, The Fridge is sort of a Chicago icon. The big, friendly offensive lineman was on the 1985 Super Bowl champions, and inexplicably scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl rather than the immortal Walter Payton. Ditka never forgave himself.

So when Matt saw the press release, he wanted to turn away. He wanted to say, "With all the children starving in the world, do we really need to write about this guy? Are we really that obsessed with fat celebrities in this country?"

And yet, Matt - who's normally the police and courts reporter - was drawn to the story. These weirdo tales used to be Matt's specialty. Every day, his editor would pop up at his cubicle and ask something like:
- "Matt, I just heard there's a chicken running around on the West side. Can you chase that?" (That story included bonus facts - Chicken Nuggets.)
- "Matt, the new buffalo nickel is coming out this week, and the buffaloes at FermiLab are giving birth? Can you do a story about that?" (Although those might seem connected, trust Matt - they're not.)
- "Matt, a guy just shoved shrimp down his pants and ran out of a store. Do you have time?" (That one actually won an award!)

Matt eventually moved on to the blood and guts and murders of the police beat.
And yet... Matt somehow couldn't turn away from this Fridge story. The only explanation is that Matt was caught in the Fridge's gravitational pull. He is a big man, after all.

So Matt went over to the Geneva dentist's office where the Fridge was getting his new teeth. Now, it's important to note that the Fridge had NO TEETH before this. They had fallen out, been knocked out, or pulled out by the Fridge himself. And yet, having no teeth did not seem to slim down the Fridge. He is a big man, after all.

So, the dentist was busy screwing new teeth into a plate that had been surgically implanted in his jaw. It was disgusting. On top of that, two photographers and a reporter (Matt) are standing in this 8-by-10 office staring into Fridge's mouth. (No joke - a TV camera showed up later.)

Then, while the Fridge was getting his teeth screwed in, other people are bringing in footballs for him to sign. Between inserting incisors, he's writing "To Johnny and Tommy, The Fridge, TD, Super Bowl XX." The woman who designed his teeth brought her 8-year-old daughter to meet the Fridge. The little girl had no clue who he was, but at Mom's prompting she wished him a happy birthday. That's right, Mom wikipedia-ed The Fridge's birthday before making her 8-year-old daughter take a picture next to a giant's open mouth. The girl, undoubtedly scarred for life, probably assumed once all the Fridge's teeth were in, he would eat her. The Fridge is a big man, after all. Especially to 8-year-olds.

By the end, Matt felt a little bad for the Fridge, who was really a nice guy. Sure, he makes his money off his reputation (and he was getting free teeth), but that means he has to do whatever dance anyone wants him to. "Fridge, sign this." "Fridge, take a picture." "Fridge, gives us a thumbs up." He's a 400-pound puppet.

You can read what Matt ended up writing here, although Matt felt some of his best stuff got cut from the final version. But, hey, Matt's no dumb cookie. He can write, you will see. The others, they all learn from me.

I-L-L

Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, etc. It was amazing for Matt to wake up today and realize it's 2008, the year he'll be married. Cool.

However, in the immediate moment, it's the day that Matt's beloved Fighting Illini will be playing the hated (not really, but for this game) USC Trojans in the granddaddy of them all, the Rose Bowl. It's impossible for Matt to find anyone, anywhere picking the Illini. So, Matt will do it here:

MATT'S OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Illinois 29, USC 27.

Probably more with heart than head, but still.

Maybe USC is overconfident, or looking toward the NFL draft. Or maybe since no one, anywhere was picking Illinois to beat Ohio State (and they did), Juice will have the mojo going.

Either way, the gnome believes. The gnome believes.

UPDATE: Um, no. It was USC 49, Illinois 17. What's the worst part of that loss? The record books will always show a blowout, but the game was closer than that. Just a bounce or two the other way in the third quarter and it would have been a good game. But USC showed their veteran savvy and all that stuff. Blah.

When Matt was a freshman, Illinois lost to USC (at home) 55 to 3. And then only beat the Akron Zips the rest of the year. (Goodbye, Lou Tepper.)

Now the Illini are in the Rose Bowl and looking like a top 15 team next year. So, this is a lot more fun than it used to be. But, still, it would have been cool to win in the Rose Bowl.

Meanwhile, the gnome abides. The gnome abides, dude.

On the 362nd day of Christmas...

Matt is trying to put together The Ultimate Christmas Album. Don't get excited - it's not going to be a gift for anyone other than himself. It's just that Matt is sick of the lame-o, sappy Christmas music they play on The Lite all day.

Where's the Red Baron? Pretty little dolly? Japanese Transistor Radio?

Here's what Matt has on his list so far:

"(It Must Have Been Ol') Santa Claus" by Harry Connick Jr. (Great song, but why do they make part of the title parenthetical? Matt never understood that.)

"Santa Claus is Coming To Town" by Bruce Springsteen (Next time you see Mr. and Mrs. Hanley, ask them about a little Matt rocking out to this song.)

"You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch" by Thurl Ravenscroft ('Your heart is full of unwashed socks, Your soul is full of gunk' - only a guy named Thurl Ravenscroft could come up with lyrics that fantastic.)

"Run, Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry (Rock and roll Christmas. "Jingle Bell Rock" would work, too.)

"The Christmas Song" as sung by Nat King Cole (Sorry, Velvet Fog, Nat's the classic)

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" as sung by Judy Garland (So wonderful, so sad?)

"White Christmas" by Bing Crosby (Tree tops glisten, and children liiisten...)

"Santa Baby" by Kylie Minogue (Matt can't decide if he likes this song, or if it's dirty.)

"Jingle Bells" by Barbara Streisand (Megan and Matt used to - well, still - love this song)

"Gimme gimme take take" from the Cabbage Patch Christmas (Would you even bother having Christmas without it?

"I'll Be Home for Christmas" by Bing Crosby (Matt's favorite Christmas song of all time - really!)

"Baby, it's Cold Outside" by Dean Martin and Martina McBride

"Happy Xmas" by John Lennon and Yoko Ono (Did you notice they wish Merry Christmas to their kids at the beginning of the song?)

"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives (Eastern Illinois' finest - sorry Tony Romo - delivers the happiest Christmas song of all.)

"Silent Night" sung in church at midnight mass (Best Christmas memories.)

"Dominick the Donkey" by Lou Monte (What would Christmas be without it?)

What's Matt missing? Post your suggestions below.

Or if you'd rather just daydream, here's an excerpt from a column Matt wrote for the Beacon News the day after Christmas 2005, about what happens in Part II of your favorite Christmas carols.

On the 13th Day of Christmas, from Aurora Beacon News

by Matt Staff Writer

I admit there's a sick, tiny part of me that wants a one-day extension. For today only, the radio stations would be filled with post-Christmas songs that finally tell us what happened to all our favorite Yuletime characters.

And since no one's written the songs - and I have as much musical talent as a dead mouse - I'll just throw out some suggestions for the Christmas Day Plus One Musical Mix.

Send me a candy cane if you a make million off any of these:

[] "Grandma got rehabilitative surgery" This song will not only include instructions on how to get hoof print stains out of a heavy wool sweater, but also provide handy tips on co-pay insurance.

Suggested lyric: "Now you may say there's no such thing as health care, and as for Grandpa and I, we believe."

[] "I got a hippopotamus for Christmas" An otherwise happy home is ruined when a little girls' ambitious Christmas wish actually comes true, teaching her an important lesson: Don't wish for anything bigger than a bison.

[] "Mommy v. Santa, case 05L1225" After Santa Claus gets a little frisky under the mistletoe, he finds himself facing a sexual harassment suit in civil court. Song could include testimony from a young boy who accidentally witnessed what prosecutors are calling a "below the beard tickle".

[] "Drummer boy" The Christmas drummer gets his garage band shut down by his subdivision's noise ordinance.

[] "Do you hear what I hear?" Lyrics: "Said the night wind to the little lamb, 'Do you see what I see?' Over at Target, little lamb; X-Boxes are half off. A deal, a deal, shining in the store, I can't believe what they charged me the day before."

[] "Frosty the puddle" What did you think happens in August?