Lamaze Class Two: Men are decorative only

According to the book Husband-Coached Childbirth, in 1965 a father was arrested fined for having "gained unauthorized admission to a hospital's delivery room in an attempt to witness the birth of his second child."
This little story illustrates the two lessons that Matt has taken from Lamaze class, through two weeks:

One - Matt, and men in general, are utterly pointless to the process of a baby being born.
Two - For men, Lamaze class is merely a hall of horrors, a treasury of possible screw ups by the father, who is as useful as a spare tire - good in a pinch, but mostly just taking up valuable space.



Tuesday was Lamaze class number two for Lynne and Matt. The lessons were about the stages of labor, which include: Waiting for baby, Here comes baby! and That's pretty gross. Lynne learned methods for staying comfortable during pre-labor and when she needs to go to the hospital. Meanwhile, Matt added to his growing list of Things To Panic About.
A lot of class was devoted to pre-labor, otherwise known as Waiting for baby. Matt learned how to help Lynne relax and different methods she can use to stay comfortable when she's 39.98 weeks pregnant. Many of these methods, not surprisingly, do not involve Matt at all.
In fact, most of the illustrations showed a woman squatting or reclining in a strange configuration designed to let gravity do its work. The men were drawn in the background, checking their email, eating a granola bar or catching up on their reading. Because, the truth is: Men are utterly irrelevant to this process.
Does Lynne want Matt there when Baby is born? Without a doubt. Will it be easier for Lynne (and therefor better for Baby) if Matt is there when Baby is born? Certainly. Does Matt want to be there when Baby is born? Definitely.
But, the fact is that if on The Big Day II, Matt were called to Beirut unexpectedly, or if his superhero alter ego were needed to reverse the Earth's rotation, or if he simply overslept, the Baby would be still be born. No problem.
It wasn't that long ago that men stayed out in the waiting room; showed up when it was all over; counted the arms and legs; gave the Mrs. a thumbs up on her good work; then had a big cigar. This was effective because of a second truth: while having Dad present halves the chance of Mom panicking, it doubles the chances of him doing something stupid.
Consider that when Lynne was being born - literally being born - her dad passed out. The nurses went from catching baby to catching Daddy. On the second kid, he threw up. So, when No. 3 came around, Lynne's mom told the scene stealer to wait outside. And guess what? Laura was born just fine.

But this father futility only further stresses the importance of the very minimal task that Matt will have to perform on Big Day II, which consists wholly of having Baby not born in an elevator, not born aboard a city bus and not born in the middle of a high school history class.
This brings us to Lesson Two from Lamaze Class: the Hall of Horrors. Everyone in the class is allowed to ask questions, just as they should be. But most questions start with, "Well, this happened to my friend..." And, without question, that sentence ends with Matt's new nightmare.
...My friend's wife's third grade teacher went into labor and had the baby in one hour. That can happen?!?
... My best friend's sister's boss went to the hospital because the contractions were five minutes apart. The hospital sent them home and but they almost had to deliver on the side of the road because she went right into labor as soon as they were halfway home. That can happen?!?
... My dog sitter's junior bridesmaid's freshman year roommate had to have a first-week intern deliver the baby even though he spoke almost no English because the doctor stepped out of the room during the critical moments. That can happen?!?

You see, the thing is, men just have that one simple little job. Drive accurately and safely to the hospital. Put mom in the building where Baby is supposed to be born in time for a medical professional to catch him or her. That's it. It would almost be better if Dad had a string of 1,000 jobs and so one little screw up would hardly be noticed. But with just one job...well, the odds are Matt will drive Lynne to the right city in the wrong state. Or leave without Lynne. Or...

But let's keep this in perspective. It has to be horribly intimidating for the women to see these birthing videos and to hear stories about difficult labors that last weeks and months. (Some of these mothers apparently didn't give birth until right before Junior was walking up to get his college diploma.)
And millions of Dad's make it through without major calamity. Matt's glad Lynne won't have to go it alone. He'll be right there, praying he doesn't throw up or get arrested.
After all, the real work is done by the women. The men's stress is all in their head. They are warm, reassuring and familiar - meaning they can be replaced by a can of soup if they pass out.

Now starting for the New York Mets, second baseman Red Hanley!

Well, the votes are in and it looks like Lynne and Matt will be having a red-headed boy who plays second base.

Lynne and Matt are going to have a...
... a girl - 12 percent
... a boy - 25 percent
... a second baseman - 25 percent
... a red head - 25 percent
... a lot of sleepless nights - 12 percent

So, by now, Lynne and Matt could have found out Baby's gender. At the last ultrasound, the nurse could tell if it was a boy or a girl. But, amazingly, Lynne had already decided she didn't want to know. Amazing because Lynne doesn't like surprises of any sort. Months before, she wanted to know when she was going to get engaged and how. When she buys a birthday gift, it kills her not to hand it over immediately. She'd fast forward to the end of every movie if it was possible. She just can't take the suspense.
But with Baby, she didn't want to know. Which was fine with Matt. What does it matter? On Sept. 26 (or so) a baby will show up and it will be a boy or a girl. Lynne and Matt don't get any say. Of course, everyone says, "I don't care what it is, as long it's healthy." But, at least in Matt's case, that's not true. He really wants it to be a baby. He does not want Lynne to give birth to a battleship or a Pepsi bottle or a flashlight. The world has enough flashlights.
But it seems the voters are slightly favoring a boy...or at least predicting a boy. Well, that's as good as guess as any. It seems that everyone that Lynne and Matt run into has a guess on whether the baby is going to be a boy or a girl.
Lynne's stomach is all up front, so it must be a girl. Lynne's carrying low so it must be a boy. One woman just stared at Lynne's face and decided for sure, without a doubt, she was going to have a boy. And, chances are about 50 percent she'll be right. Poor Lynne. She just has to stand there while everyone makes up their own theory about whether it'll be a boy or girl.
When everyone know you can tell just by whether mom sleeps on her right side or her left. Duh.

Vote early and often

Will they have a girl? A boy? A mustachioed prince?
Don't forget to vote in the poll on the left! Lynne and Matt's future is in your hands!

Lamaze class One: Mark Buehrle plays Wii

Tuesday was Lynne and Matt's very first Lamaze class. Heading there, Matt had no idea what to expect. It's very hard to get the images from 1,000 baby movies and TV shows out your head when you're on your way to Lamaze class. But that's OK, because Lamaze class is more or less just like the movies and TV shows.
The class of about a dozen couples gathered in a room on the third floor of Edward Hospital. Everyone was paired up husband wife, except for one mom-daughter team. The woman said her husband didn't come because he was easily grossed out. Matt thought that was nuts, but it turned out to be a good assessment because the group was shown video of a birth. The birth was not so disgusting (even though it got in there pretty close), but the shot of the doctor holding a bucket of placenta next to the mom, was not so appetizing. Mom appeared to be thinking, "Hey, doc, thanks for the bucket of blood and insides. If you don't move it, I'm going to add puke to the mix!"
Anyhow, the larger group split into smaller groups where everyone was supposed to introduce themselves by sharing the baby's gender, their due dates and - oddly - a brush with celebrity. Matt's not sure if he's written about this, but he mentioned to the group that he is co-starring in Public Enemies, coming to theaters everywhere on July 1. (Get your tickets!)
Other couples had brushes with Patrick Ewing, Bono and Brooks Robinson. But the final couple stated matter-of-factly that they were good friends with White Sox All-Star pitcher Mark Buehrle. Oh yeah, they go down to his St. Louis home every month in the off season. Oh yeah, they talked to him this morning BEFORE THE CUBS-SOX GAME. Like it was no big deal. Like it was not the coolest thing ever. Matt wanted to ask 10,000 questions. Instead, Matt simply asked if Opening Day starter Mark Buehrle was a regular guy. They confirmed that he was and that he even plays Wii. Cool.
People should not be allowed to offer up this information in a Lamaze setting because it makes it very hard for the "Support Partner" to concentrate on the other information being presented. But Matt played it cool, making it seem that he was not impressed by the connection to Mark Buerhle, thereby bonding with this couple, so they can eventually become best friends and hang out/sleep over at Mark Buerhle's house. Smooth.
Next it was on to putting a ping-pong ball in a balloon. If you do this, then blow up the balloon, you do not have to tie the balloon closed. You can simply rest the ping pong ball over the opening and it will keep the balloon inflated. Sadly, you may then have to squeeze the balloon to replicate the cervix opening up, which is a fairly gross image, especially when a yellow ping pong ball with a smiley face is supposed to represent your kid. Ping pong balls were flying across the room, which is a bit concerning since, you know, those could have been babies.
Of course, Lynne and Matt's ping pong ball got stuck in the balloon's "cervix", thereby confirming that The Baby's head is going to be ginormous.
Finally, the class came to the most important part of Lamaze: the practice breathing. You've been breathing all your life, but when you're pregnant you actually have to practice it. That's because when the baby starts to emerge, you look down and think: this kid is much bigger than a ping pong ball. Then, you forget to breathe.
The teacher was this incredibly nice woman. She had five kids of her own; she was a nurse. She was the perfect blend of personal experience and medical knowledge. In other words, she wasn't afraid to tell you she peed on herself, but she could explain that was a normal part of amniotic fluid compressing the bladder.
The teacher started the relaxing exercises. Everyone had brought pillow and blankets, which were laid out on the floor like a peculiar indoor picnic. Then Lynne scooted up to Matt, so her back was resting against his chest and he could hold her.
The first part was to teach you how to relax your muscles. So first Lynne tightened her forehead, then relaxed it. Then her jaw, shoulders and arms, stomach...
"Now tighten your butt," the teacher said.
This is where Matt started to have problems. The first problem is that even though he is three decades old and about to be a father, the word 'butt' is pretty funny. Second, this woman was talking in a very serious, monotone, soothing voice. So that made hearing "tighten your butt" even funnier.
And Matt couldn't help but (ha ha) think about how infrequently in life you actually hear that phrase. The only other scenario Matt could imagine was being attacked by a swarm of red ants. Of course you'd close your eyes and mouth. And you could pinch your nose and cover your ears with your arms. There would be only one opening for the ants to target!
"Tighten your butt!" your friends would yell, as they scoured entomology books to for red-ant wrangling techniques.
Even then, the phrase would not be said in a calm, soothing voice, most likely.
Still, Matt controlled himself and did not laugh out loud. He is not a juvenile, after all.
Unfortunately, then the teacher started the imagery.
"Imagine you're at a soothing beach," she told the class.
Okay, Matt thought. He imagined the Pacific Ocean, in Florida, where they had visited Lynne's sister Laura earlier this year. Very nice.
"You're walking down a long pier. Now you step off the pier."
It was at this point that Matt started to wonder. Why was he at the beach? Was he all alone? Did anyone bring lunch?
"You're all alone."
Oh.
"You step off the pier and feel the sand beneath your feet. You take off your shoes. You're wearing shorts and a shirt. They're very loose fitting and you feel the breeze on your skin."
What did I do with the shoes? Am I still carrying them? And I find it unlikely I would wear shoes to the beach. Probably sandals. And - if I was wearing shoes - does that mean I still have my socks on as I'm walking down the beach? That makes no sense.
"You stare out into the water and see a beautiful sunset."
The sunset would look cooler with pirates. And how much is this vacation costing us?
"You walk to the edge of the water. The waves slowly roll in and you feel the cool, gentle water running over your legs."
What kind of beach is this, where the pier doesn't go all the way to the water? What is the point of the pier exactly? It goes to the middle of the sand then lets people off to walk around in their socks?
"Down the beach you hear the sound of..."
At this point the teacher hesitated for just a moment, looking for the right image. And Matt wondered what soothing sound was coming next.
"...two seagulls fighting over a piece of abandoned bread."
And that was it. Forwhatever reason, this phrase set Matt off. It was probably the word 'abandoned,' as if the bread had been part of a family that longer wished to have an association with him. Matt started to almost laugh. He bit his lip. He thought of unfunny things, like health care and carburetors.
Matt begged his brain to stop. Lynne was going to need him. He was her support partner. She was preparing for one of the most miraculous and difficult experiences a human being can go through. And Matt was being a joker.
Matt tried to excuse this behavior, but then he noticed the WOMAN ACROSS FROM THEM WAS CRYING. Actual tears running down her face. Matt looked around. All the couples seemed to be lovingly walking down the imaginary beach, oblivious to hypodermic needles that might be laying in the sand.
Stop it! This is serious stuff. Matt held his breath. He rubbed Lynne's arm.
And finally, mercifully, the exercise ended.
Lynne turned toward Matt.
Matt knew he was probably in trouble. She must have felt him giggling, or seen him staring at the ceiling. She'd give him an elbow to the ribs, tell him to shape up. Tell him that in three months he'd be in charge of another human life and that's not a joke. It's real life, mister.
Lynne turned to him and said: "I couldn't stop thinking about all the sand I'd get in my toes at the beach. And was it a long pier or one of those piers that ran along the shore?"

The Name Game - poll results and further information

So, the results are in...and we have some winners!
If Lynne and Matt have a girl, she will be named Ann Leigh Hanley and she will live in a Dr. Suess book.
If Lynne and Matt have a boy, he will be named Pee Wee Hanley and he will be beaten up every day before and after school.

While Pee Wee was certainly an upset winner over the much discussed Stanley Hanley, the biggest upset of them all was zero votes for Mookie Hanley. That's a fine, fine name people.

The truth is that Lynne and Matt have thought about some names. But they are not telling anyone - under any circumstances - any of the possibilities. Nobody. Not friends, not parents, not strangers, not Barack Obama. You couldn't torture Lynne and Matt to find out the name. You couldn't bribe Lynne and Matt (except with Game One World Series tickets) to find out the name. You couldn't trick Lynne and Matt to find out the name!
There is simply no way to get it out of them. It's in the vault.

If Lynne and Matt have a girl, what should they name her?
Ann Leigh Hanley - 42 percent (3 votes)
Hannah Hanley - 14 percent (1 vote)
Hortense Hanley - 28 percent (2 votes)
Mookie Hanley - 0 percent
Gometstina Hanley - 14 percent (1 vote)
Muhammad Hanley - 0 percent

If Lynne and Matt have a boy, what should they name him?
Stanley Hanley - 28 percent (2 votes)
Mookie Hanley - 0 percent
Pee Wee Hanley - 42 percent (3 votes)
Duke Hanley - 14 percent (1 vote)
Campy Hanley - 14 percent (1 vote)
Alex Hanley - 0 percent

Lynne and Matt are not going to (and have not) found out the baby's gender. But why wait for science, when we can have random guessing.
OK, our next poll is up. Be sure to get your votes in!

Matt saw a guy get skewered on a fence

A cable guy is leaning his ladder up against a telephone pole. He falls off the ladder and lands on a metal fence with 6-inch spikes on top. The spikes went THROUGH HIS LEGS.
The guy was just dangling there.
And he was still conscious.
And Matt was right there. He almost had to help the paramedics unstick him.

It's true. Read the news story here, and then Matt's column about it here.

And after it was all over, Matt called his mom.
"Mom, you'll never believe what just happened."
"What?!" she answered, excitedly thinking about the grandchild on the way.
"Oh wait, it's really gross."
"Ok, well now you've got to tell me..." she said, hesitantly.
"A guy got impaled on a fence! It was unbelievable!"

Book review - When You Are Engulfed In Flames

Book: When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris, 323 fast pages

I went to see Up recently, the latest in the brilliant run of Pixar films. I enjoyed the movie immensely - it was moving, creative, beautiful and funny. When I got home, I read a few of the reviews and was surprised to find a somewhat tepid response from several critics. The general gist was: It's another Pixar film, blah. More happiness and individualism, blah.
I don’t dismiss their complaints about the company (though I do disagree), but more importantly: what does WALL-E or Finding Nemo have to do with Up? It felt a little like Up was a victim of Pixar’s success. If it had come out first, it would have been ground breaking and revolutionary. Even if it had come from another studio, it may have gotten a different reception.
I was reminded of this as a I read When You Are Engulfed in Flames, the latest book by David Sedaris. I love David Sedaris. Me Talk Pretty One Day is the funniest book I have ever read. He wrote a story about finding a turd in his friend’s toilet that somehow was not gross and had me laughing so hard I was crying. That is very rare.
Then I read his follow up, Dress your Family in Corduroy and Denim, which I thought was, well, brilliant. It was funny and had a depth that inspired me. I didn’t know you could be so moved while laughing.
So, of course, I grabbed his latest book. Again, it is a series of essays or short stories about his life. He writes about a nasty woman who lives across the hall, accientally insulting the woman sitting next to him on the plane, becoming friends with a sex offender, becoming friends with a spider and buying a skeleton. Each of the essays are true or mostly true, I assume.
I’m not sure there’s much to unify the stories in terms of content other than Sedaris's sense of self, which is the voice that brings you from story to story. He’s insightfully open about his faults and is therefore honest about the faults we try to hide from ourselves.

And Sedaris is a great writer. The way he ends the story about a truck driver propositioning him left me lingering over his words for days.

The clincher for me was the last essay about going to Japan to quit smoking. It was honest and insightful, never dull, and often hilarious. (The title of the book comes from this part, although I agree with his publisher’s sentiment that Sedaris is trying to be willfully obscure with his titles.)
And yet…I found myself not blown away by this book. It wasn’t as funny as Talk Pretty. He wasn’t as insightful and moving as Corduroy. I realized I was falling into Up syndrome: Sedaris has been so good that he set the bar impossibly high. If I had read Engulfed first, I would have been wowed by how funny and honest and touching Sedaris is in each essay.
The point is that this is a wonderful book and I recommend everyone read it. And I promise never to let Sedaris bias me against him again.

Good for: Everyone, really. But, specifically, people who have enjoyed David Sedaris' books or commentary. You're looking for a truly funny book, rather than a stand-up routine turned into a book. (Cough, Tim Allen, cough, Ray Ramano.)
Skip it: If David Sedaris isn't your taste. If you're looking for a novel, rather than a series of unconnected short stories.