I'll take Things I Never Thought I'd See for $1,000, Alex

So, this has to be pretty high on the list of things no one ever wanted to see. Matt holding a gun. And pointing it at some dude who looks a little upset.

And - to be honest - it's pretty high on the list of things Matt never wanted to be part of.

It was for work, of course. Matt did a story about police use of deadly force and he got to use the police shoot/don't shoot training program, which you can read here. (The main story is here.)

Although the gun was "real" (it was just like the ones the cops carry) it was obviously disabled. The gun had a laser you pointed at a TV screen so you could practice scenarios where police might have to use deadly force.

When Matt walked into the training room, the officers asked if he had shot a gun before. From the tone they used it was clear they meant: well, of course, you've shot a gun before, right? Who hasn't?

Well, Matt had fired a gun. When he was a child. In Cub Scouts.

The reason the photo was shot from that angle is so you can't the pee running down his leg.

Table for Tthew Hauley? God bless you.

So, one of the funny things about getting married is the name and address changes that occur at the same time. This can lead to some mail problems. For instance, after Matt moved in and switched his Netflix account to Lynne's house, the first two movies didn't make it through because they had the "wrong" last name on them. Matt tried taping a note to the mailbox that said both last names, but all the letters ran off and it peeled away on the first day. So Matt had to change his account to include Lynne's (old) last name and his last name. Which is pretty funny, since that person doesn't exist.

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That fixed the problem and Matt hasn't remembered/bothered to delete Lynne's (old) last name. But that still finishes third in the strange mail category.
Lynne has been getting letters addressed to all sorts of people: Lynne Hanle, Lynne Shanley (a popular one - she moved her old last name to her middle name), Lynne Haley and this one below, from the National Education Association.



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Lynne and Matt got a good laugh over that one. But the next day a one-upper arrived, addressed to Matt, from the Illinois Sheriff's Association.


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When Matt was a kid he knew that he had a middle name. But he didn't know it was Edwin. He thought it was "Hew". First name Matt, then second name Hew - MattHew.
Turns out, Tthew was his first name. The things you learn.

A star is born

So, Matt was on Yahoo or some such website today and he noticed they had a list of the 10 most searched phrases. It was your standard boring stuff: Taylor Swift, Belly Bandit, Chris Brown (side note: I never heard of this guy a month ago), meatless recipes. Blah, blah, blah.
But then...Number 6... public enemies.
What? Why were people searching for Public Enemies, the film starring Matt and co-starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale and Billy Crudup?
Could it be? Is it possible? Is the trailer out?
Yep!

Pretty good trailer (side note 2: Matt once wrote a paper in college on trailers in film noir - he got an A, so that makes him an authority on such things). Only one quibble, really: It appears they left Matt's name off the credits. But this is only the first cut so there's time to get that corrected.
All three scenes Matt acted in appear in the trailer if you don't blink. Matt is not shown directly, probably becuase the director wants to save at least one big surprise for the audience.
The first scene is a very brief shot of the Biograph Theater, where Matt spent hours walking back and forth, back and forth - having no idea what was going on. It's about 20 seconds into the trailer, when Johnny Depp is saying, "I like baseball, movies..."
The second scene is a high overhead shot of Union Station, just after Billy Crudup says, "John Dillinger has given us a second chance..." Matt spent about an hour outside that room walking back and forth, back and forth - having no idea what was going on.
That shot is followed immediately by a very brief clip of a steamy train pulling into Union Station. Matt spent about five hours walking back and forth, back and forth next to that train. Needless to say, he had no idea what was going on. But he did get to carry a suitcase.
OK so, yes, it's infantile, but Matt has watched the trailer approximately 80 times since Thursday afternoon. It is awesome. Probably the best movie Matt has been in.
And, well, it was more fun than the end of that Penn State game.

Oscarama

So, you're saying you want to read everything that Matt wrote about movies this year?
Well, you're in luck.
Right here, you can read his annual Overlooked for the Oscars column, written for the Beacon, written with his friend, Andre. You can also gander at yet another critique of the The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, the worst movie ever made.
Right here, you can see Matt's list of 11 Great Running Movies, compiled on his running blog.
And just below these words, you can see Matt's list of the best movies of 2008. (With notations/exceptions for movies he couldn't see because Hollywood believes the best way to promote films is jam them all into the last two weeks of the year.)
And below those words, Matt listed his should win/will wins for tonight's show. Not as comprehensive or accurate as Tripp's list, but with twice the vowels!

Matt's Top movies of 2008

10. The Band’s Visit
I could have put Dark Knight here. But you’ve all seen Dark Knight, right? It’s good. Now go see The Band’s Visit on a night when you’re feeling thoughtful. It’s the story of a small Egyptian band that gets stranded in Israel .
9. Ghost Town
Another great little comedy that came and went, poof. Ricky Gervais is the key to the film – the cynic who changes without abandoning himself. Great writing. A movie that made me laugh. That's nice.
8. W.
This movie sort of faded away, didn’t it? I enjoyed this look at the 43rd President and I actually felt I understood him better. Josh Brolin should have been nominated for this movie, not Milk.
7. Iron Man
This was a good, old-fashioned enjoyable action movie with Robert Downey Jr., as the perfect superhero - a guy who thinks it's awesome that he has superpowers, a man of ego rather than humilty. I had no idea I would like this that much. I am actually looking forward to the sequel. Downey Jr was really good in Tropic Thunder, but should have been nominated for this movie.
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
This was a year for great comedies and none were better than this early year tribute to love. And when they finally make the movie version of Dracula’s Lament, that will probably make my Top 10, too.
5. The Visitor
This is a fantastic movie with spot-on direction and great acting all around. I was totally engrossed and for the most part never knew where the film was heading, but never felt cheated when it got there.
4. Milk
Years ago, I had seen a documentary on Harvey Milk and yet there were times when I forgot I was watching Sean Penn acting as Harvey Milk. A very powerful film with the best acting of the year. The speech Milk/Penn makes in Washington is fantastic.
3. Wall E
Another brilliant movie, visually and emotionally from the Pixar folks. Can we finally get these movies out of best animated film and into Best Picture?
2. Slumdog Millionaire
I don’t think many of the movies I saw this year will have much lasting power. The Top 10 is weaker than year’s past. Maybe it was the writer’s strike. But, I won’t forget this movie’s compelling storytelling. Jon Stewart was right: most depressing feel good movie of the year.
1. Standard Operating Procedure
Along with last year’s Taxi to the Dark Side, these two movies best explain why the United States policies in Iraq have not worked as well as we originally hoped. Somehow, director Errol Morris got interviews with Lynndie England the other members of the Abu Grahib scandal. And you know what? They had some smart, powerful things to say. A must see.

The Elevens: Baby Mama, Tropic Thunder, Man on Wire, Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired, Rachel Getting Married
Worthy movies I haven’t seen: The Reader; Gran Torino; Doubt; Trouble the Water; Pineapple Express; Frozen River; Synechdoche , New York

Should win/Will win

Best Picture
Should win: Standard Operation Procedure. Of the five nominees, Slumdog
Will win: Slumdog

Best Actor
Should win: Sean Penn, though Richard Jenkins was great, too
Will win: Mickey Rourke

Best Actress

Should win: Sally Hawkins for Happy Go Lucky. Since she's not nominated, Anne Hathaway was awesome
Will win: Kate Winslet because she's going to win eventually (admittedly, Matt hasn't seen Doubt or Frozen River or The Reader)

Supporting Actor
Should win: Heath Ledger
Will win: Heath Ledger (Yeah, he was awesome.)

Supporting Actress
Should win: Amy Adams, because even though Matt hasn't seen the movie, she's awesome
Will win: Penelope Cruz (Matt thought Cruz was good, but in fairness he hasn't seen the other contenders. Plus, Tripp says she'll win.)

Supporting Supporting Actor in a Johnny Depp Film That Has Not Yet Come Out
Should win: Matt
Will win: Christian Bale

Honeymoon Adventures VII: Return to Monkey Island!

The Lynne and Matt Honeymoon Adventure was filled with many amazing and wonderful places. Lynne and Matt each had their favorites.
Day Seven of the honeymoon (July 22) was Matt's No. 1, probably of all time.
The day began at 7:30 a.m. with a trip to Monkey Island!! Do you think that font was overdone? It wasn't.
When Matt was a kid, Boys' Life Magazine (the magazine for Boy Scouts) ran a list of different pets that people might have, and the positives and negatives of each animal. There was fish and turtles and hamsters. And a monkey. A monkey!
It had never in crossed Young Matt's mind that a monkey could be a pet. It was perhaps the greatest thing that Young Matt had ever heard, despite the fact that the article mentioned one "negatives" of owning a monkey is that it might be illegal. All Young Matt heard was 'might be.' A Monkey as a pet? Imagine the tricks you could teach a monkey. With training the monkey could learn to ride a bike, speak sign language, maybe even do math homework.
Skipping ahead 20 years and one marriage, Lynne, Matt and the tour group took a short boat trip out to a long, private island in the middle of the Amazon. The island is owned and funded by private donations (no government help!) as a sanctuary for monkeys, which were being over-hunted as food. So, these rescue workers set up Monkey Island!!
As the boat pulled up, Raul the Tour Guide warned everyone not to leave their bags on the boat, which was odd because he had given the exact opposite advice at nearly every other stop. Well, as soon as the boat docked, three monkeys walked down to the boat and climbed on. One big, lazy-looking orange howler monkey laid right on some guy's shoulders!
It was perhaps the greatest thing that Matt had ever seen.
Everyone walked up to a clearing on the island where monkeys everywhere! One grabbed onto Lynne's backpack with his tail and was hanging there. Another one grabbed a guy's hat and tried to run away with it. There were tiny monkeys and red monkeys, screeching monkeys and honking monkeys, lazy monkeys and hyper monkeys. They were all incredibly friendly.
Apparently, they stay in the small, public area of the island until they get a few months old. Then they retreat into the jungle and most are never seen again. But the monkey population is growing, so that's good.



Everyone in the group got to feed the monkeys bananas and Lynne swung one guy named Luis around with a stick. (check out the video!)



Matt fed a monkey and enjoyed but...he was getting a bit jealous. Young Matt couldn't help but show up. He wanted a monkey to sit on his shoulders. But Matt had no idea how to lure a monkey off the other guests shoulders without appearing...obvious...or desperate. Wah.
One of the monkeys was sitting on this girls' shoulders hooting and honking (check out the video). Matt tried to convince the girl that was the sound howler monkeys made right before they went to the bathroom. Alas, she didn't buy it.
But then...the monkey did climb on Matt's shoulders. And you know what? It was better than a
dog, that's for sure. And Matt sort of looked like the monkey, too.
After about the greatest hour ever, the group got back on the boat, for a ride back to the buses and out of Iquitos.
Only one person was left behind: Young Matt was never seen again. He went into the jungle and believed to be living as the treasurer for a small band of spider monkeys.
On the boat ride back to the buses, Matt couldn't help but think that Monkey Island was a cool name for one of those old, 1940s movies. Matt tried to think of the perfect name. Return to Monkey Island? Escape from Monkey Island? The Curse of Monkey Island?
That's when Matt realized what the perfect name was: Honeymoon on Monkey Island. Spooky.
After the monkey island the time in Iquitos was over, sadly. It was time to head to get on a plane headed for Lima. We missed a train, but managed to travel by air, sea and land in one day, which is pretty cool.
The flight was uneventful other than a man threw his crackers and swore at a stewardess, while announcing that was the worst food he had ever tasted. So, that was pretty cool. It felt like being present for a historical moment, or something.
That night we wandered over to Bembos, the Peruvian equivalent of McDonalds. While Matt was eating some fries, a little boy, maybe 5 years old, wandered in selling gum. He was all alone, wandering the streets of one of the largest cities in the world. It was startling.
After that, we sent a few emails, watched some BBC-CNN (Obama was traveling through Europe and people seemed to like him), then watched a little Alf in Spanish. Someone actually had to sit and translate all of Alf into Spanish, then find "actors" to dub the show. That was also startling, in a completely different way.

Day Seven Summary: One life fulfilling trip to Monkey Island!; one perfect name for a future horror movie starring Matthew McConnaughay and Catherine Zeta-Jones; two boat rides; one plane ride, including the worst crackers ever; one bus ride; one-tenth of an episode of Alf, creating a full on episode of embarrassment about American culture.

Mustache: Noticeable. The mustache was really coming full strength now. It wasn't at Mark Hanley levels or anything, but a monkey was able to swing from it.

Weird foods eaten: We ate the fries with mayo at Bembos. And we had those airlines crackers - they're weren't so bad, actually.

Coming next: A humbling learning experience.

Matt's resolutions

It's very important for a man to make resolutions. Resolutions can help a man focus his mind and his inner spirit that drives him to excel. The promises to himself give a man definable goals by which he can measure his strengths and weaknesses as well as match himself against other men.
That being said, here are Matt's 2009 resolutions:

Shoot no more than two elk
Elk have long been a nuisance in the Northern hemisphere. However, over-hunting of this majestic beast has put it on the endangered species list. Therefor, Matt resolves to shoot no more than two elk. Possibly fewer than two.

Work it
Matt has been blessed with talents such as long toes, good gardening skills and above average grooming. However, these are not gifts if they are not opened. Therefor, Matt resolves to work it.

Drive more than 450 miles in a car
Mankind's technological advancements have given humans great freedom. But the flip side of this blessing is that people can become sentient, lazy. Some have been known to stay at home for hours, or even months. Therefor, Matt resolves to travel at least 450 miles this year in his car, in an effort to broaden his personal horizons and see what the world has to offer.

Consistent blinking
Blinking is one of man's most important inventions. Did you know that eyelids are simply folds of skin, controlled by muscles that can contract so rapidly that blinking does not impair our vision?
Blinking irrigates - not irritates - the eye. The eyelid pulls moisture over the eyeball, keeping our eyeballs from drying up and falling out.
Blinking also shields our eyes. Our eyelashes serve as dust-catchers. They can also catch dirt, mosquitoes and small grapes. This keeps us from going blind or developing grape-eye.
Blinking, as you can see, is a very healthy activity. Therefor, Matt resolves to blink in every month this year.

Less troll harassment
They're there. They have those annoying beards and stupid hats. They want you to travel with them someplace and they promise to pick up your bags. All of this makes you want to kick the troll. But the trolls have feelings. And the trolls have bones, which can break. Therefor, Matt resolves to reduce his troll kicking by 45 percent this year.

Have the Mets not blow it right at the end of the season
The last two seasons have seen the Mets collapse in awful, historic and humiliating ways. The Mets have taken some steps to resolving some of these problems - signing Francisco Rodriguez - but Matt notes that their starting pitching still stinks, except for Santana. However, it would be disheartening for Mets fans to watch the team once again fall on their oversized Mr. Met head. Therefor, Matt resolves for the Mets not to choke in the final weeks of the 2009 baseball season.

We'll check back in on the Matt's progress later in the year.

It's gotta be the pants!

Matt finished his run Thursday night and got home just in time to watch the Illini square off against the lowly, pitiful, pathetic, no-good, very-bad, never-even-MADE-the-NCAA-tournament Northwestern Mildcats.
For the first 20 minutes, Matt was paying some bills, only halfway paying attention to the game. Illinois was down. Yawn. Seen it before. Only a matter of time.
Only...
They kept losing. And losing. And so Matt took drastic steps. He went upstairs and got out the Illini pants. They were a Christmas gift, but they are not to be used lightly. Only when a win is really needed. The pants are undefeated.
The Illini fell behind by 12.
But the Illini pressed, and Demetri McCamey tossed up a floater...and the Illini win!
Nice to win a game when you're only ahead for 2-1/2 seconds.
The pants remain unbeaten. It's gotta be the pants!

(Luckily, the pants will not be necessary when the Illini face the terrible, no-good, very-bad Loosiers this weekend.)